INFJ's are Like Leaven

Many times I have felt rejected and wondered if I should keep sharing, then I realized that INFJ's are like leaven. Few people notice us or even have the capacity to understand what we are saying, but we make all the difference in the lump. We are often people of faith, vision, and hope, and as so, we must continue to hold up the light. Remember that He who you follow gave though He had little acceptance. Look to Him and look within. Follow the messages of your soul and keep sharing them through the power of music. As you "put them out there", the seekers will find them.

I wrote this several months ago to encourage a young INFJ songwriter. 

My perspective at 72 of being an INFJ

 

At nearly 72, I'm realizing that I don't need others to approve of me or understand me. I am an INFJ and finally accept that, except for others like me, most people are not capable of understanding what I say, much less who I am. 

I have changed my expectations and now feel a deep peace. I appreciate others for who they are, share what we can together, learn from them, and enjoy working together with them. 

I now accept my limitations. If I must interact socially, I'll relax for a long time before and after. I also compensate for the stress of having to do routine details or anything which requires me to work in thinking or sensing mode for a long time. Walking in nature, getting lost a good upbeat story, or doing a puzzle really relaxes me. 

Gently leading others by example is so much more peaceful than trying to push others to change. It is fulfilling to develop and share my talents to inspire others (I write on my blogs, paint, and do photography). Now, I just live what I believe to be right, and enjoy life. I am, finally, just being who I am, an INFJ.

Photo- me biking at Zion National Park a month ago. My first outing after recovering from stage 3 ovarian cancer

Expressing Anger as an INFJ

I grew up in a family where expressing anger or even any assertiveness was not acceptable, so I learned to suppress my anger and turn it inward which caused a lot of depression. I also used to let people "guilt" me into doing what they wanted which resulted in more anger and resentment toward them, which I also tried to suppress. One thing I felt guilty about was that I was "too sensitive", so I suppressed most of my feelings, including my anger.

Now that I am in my seventies, I more firmly stand up for my principles and my needs. Because, as an INFJ, I want to have a sense of peace and unity with people, I still tend to suppress anger, but not always. When I feel that someone else is being unjustly treated, especially when it is someone who is unable to defend themselves, such as a child or animal, I immediately speak up or take action. This isn't a burst of emotion, but rather a totally confident stand for what is right.

Generally though, I prefer not to have confrontations with other people. I am so empathic that it is very stressful for me engage in face to face disagreements with others. All that emotion is simply overwhelming to me. If I must say something, then I prefer to do it on my own turf by expressing my arguments logically in writing. I've found that more aggressive outgoing people have sometimes tried to intimidate me into accepting their ideas by speaking loudly, standing close, and/or repeating what they want over and over, but wrong is wrong no matter how loudly it is said. This is not how I communicate. I never debate or argue what I know is right. I just "know" it. It is not something determined by the "winner" who speaks the loudest, stands the closest, or can look down on their opponent. "Rightness" is something I just know. It is a part of me and any emotional, physical, or financial pressure can not change what I know is right, therefore I will not express anger, but will instead withdraw from any situation where others are trying to intimidate me into doing what they want.

INFJ lack of Reflection

No Reflection by Cheryl Merrick

I make a comment

and the room suddenly quiets.

After an awkward moment,
all resumes as before.

I mention I write,

again the embarrassed silence,

followed by a change of subject.

Could I really think so differently

that others have no idea 

how to respond to me?

Sharing my talent,

I watch as others shrink away,

uncomfortable by the unfamiliar,

so that I see no reflection of me

in their eyes.

I wrote this after mentioning what I was writing to a friend who is an ISTJ. We

Poems about my INFJ sense of mission

A Candle
by Cheryl Merrick

Most flames join
the blazing hearth fire 
adding to 
its merry warmth,

But a few choose 
solitary candlesticks
bringing light to even
the darkest night.

A Poet's Longing
by Cheryl Merrick

In a quiet room with a comfy chair
and large windows overlooking the world,
I found my poet's heart.

Within is a craving to experience 
the hours of intense focus,
and the exquisite beauty 
in the flashes of inspiration 
which connect me to the divine.

Recentering as an INFJ

Once again I was burnt out and unhappy. As an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) this happens to me frequently. At these times, I pull back into my mind so I can regain my center; a sense of who I really am. 

As I read and pondered, I was reminded that as an INFJ, I am one of the two personality types (INFP Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceptive is the other) who use intuition and feeling as a way to deal with life.  This really is a different way to live. Like other introverted intuitive types, we spend a lot of time in the world of thought, but combined with Feeling this world becomes extra special. It is the world of imagination, of creativity, and of the spirit. We are roses in the cornfield. We are lights shining in the darkness. 

We are also considered a bit weird, which as an INFJ, I can't deny.

Accepting that I really am an Enneagram Type 9

I've known for years that my personality type is an INFJ (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging) using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I could easily see myself as this type of person. As an Introvert, I try to deal with the world through my extroverted Feeling ability, and choose to use my strongest ability, Intuition, in my mind creating new ideas. I also know that I definitely prefer to have things planned and settled (Judging). 

It all seemed pretty simple, but I was finding that I'd keep making commitments that I really didn't want to do, or couldn't fulfill. After a few months of this, I'd end up exhausted, then I'd pull back into my mind spending hours alone studying and trying to get in touch with my "lost" identity. 

It was after my most recent "crash" that I knew this "boom and bust" cycle had to end. What was I doing wrong? I needed more understanding than I was finding in my INFJ study. It was then that I remembered about the Enneagram. Could it help?

As an INFJ how can I make the best decision?

For years I have struggled with decision making. So often I've found myself doing things that I don't want to do and wondering why I'm doing it. After many "wrong for me" decisions, I end up over stressed and totally exhausted. Dazed, I just sit there wondering what happened.

As an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) person, I live by my principles and values. They form the core of my being. One thing I value is having unity between people. I seem to get in trouble when I make decisions based only on trying to keep harmony between people. This is a great goal, but for an idealist who wants to improve the world, it doesn't work. Improving requires change. Living by principles often leaves me standing alone. Sometimes I am seen as "not a team player" and, sometimes, as being impractical. People tell me that I have to accept things as they are and just "live in the moment", but how can I settle merely for the status quo when I have the ability to foresee possibilities? I simply can't. It would mean giving up what energizes me. It would mean giving up my purpose in life. I truly desire to gently help each person become their best; to develop their talents and to have the greatest happiness possible. I believe in people's potential.

Balancing my life as an INFJ

My life as an INFJ (introverted Intuitive Ni; supported by extroverted Feeling Fe) has been a series of "Boom and Bust" cycles. Even as a kid, I would be exhausted by the end of a day at school and would recharge by immersing myself in a good fantasy book for most of the weekend.

Why all this stress? Why are INFJs the most stressed of all personality types? One of the main reasons is that we are so different from most people. Not only does this mean that others find it very difficult to understand INFJs, but also we do not easily fit in society since behavioral expectations are set by the most common personality types. This isn't us. Though there is still a lot of debate over whether extroverts out number introverts, most agree that extroverts range from 50% to 74% of the population. But regardless of the percentage, our society in the United States is dominantly extroverted (compare it to an Introvert culture such as Japan). Also, in our culture Sensors are about 75% of the population and Intutitivies are only 25% of our population.  Now consider that of the 25% who are Intutitivies, less than 6% (INFJs 1% and INFPs 4.4%) use their Intuition in an Introverted way supported by Feeling.

Understanding My INFJ Stress

I'm coming to understand why it is said that INFJ's (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) have a higher level of stress than any other personality type. Also, I'm realizing that a balanced use of my functions, my abilities, is absolutely crucial for me to be able to avoid major stress and live a happier life. 

Like everyone else, I function best and utilize my talents best when I use my dominant, or greatest strength, to lead my life. It is the core of my self identity. For me, my dominant strength is Introverted Intuition. This means that my greatest strength is used in my mind flying to great heights in the "World of Imagination". This is a major challenge when you must spend so much of your time down on earth in the "Real World". There are only two personality types which prefer to use intuition in their minds as their dominant function: INFJ and INTJ (the second most stressed type). 

INFJ from the perspective of the StrengthsFinder

Clifton StrengthsFinder

mine; priorities in my life

Ideation (N)

see patterns & concepts

make connections

form new ideas

need study many subjects

need time to think

partner with an analyzer for balance; apply ideas is real world; practical

need to change environment often

Strategy (INJ)

chart course

see consequences

plan to avoid problems

trust intuition

need time to think out ideas

good at counseling 

How an ISTJ can Help an INFJ Cope with Stress

As an INFJ, I know about stress. For me, a person with Dominant Introverted Intuition, I can only access my greatest strength, create, and recharge, in my mind, but I also need to deal with the people and things around me. Though my mind flourishes in the world of imagination, my body does not. I live in a physical world. To use my Intuitive abilities, I must suppress my Sensing abilities. I have to shut out the world around me and enter the world of the mind. Conversely, to deal with the "real" world, I have to suppress my creative Intuitive abilities so I can use my Sensing abilities. Balancing between my two worlds, like walking a tightrope, is inherently stressful. 

I can manage this balance for a short time, but when my Dominant Intuitive abilities are suppressed for very long, I become very stressed. I do not feel like myself, and, without my Intuitive ability, I'm not really me. I can no longer see patterns, receive inspiration, create, see possible consequences, meaning in life, or work toward future goals. I don't feel connected with who I am and with my own needs and feelings. I become grouchy, critical, frustrated, emotional, illogical, depressed, and physically ill (headaches, muscle aches, nausea, IBS, fatigued, shaky). I withdraw from people, nibble all day, and constantly clean and organize my home. Finally, and mercifully, I collapse in exhaustion.

Resources for People Who are HSP, Empaths, INFJ

HSP - Highly Sensitive People, INFJ (Introvered Intuitive Feeling Judging)

Storm, Susan. Tranquility by Type: Stress Relief Tips for Your Unique Personality Type

Everest, Kristine S.. Survival Guide For Empaths: How To Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs, A Plan For The Highly Sensitive, Coping With Distress, Empath Healing Made Easy For Beginners . KSE Publishing.

Orloff, Judith. The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People . Sounds True.

Soldner, Jennifer. The INFJ Heart: Understand the Mind, Unlock the Heart.

Soldner, Jennifer. The Empathic INFJ: Awareness and Understanding for the Intuitive Clairsentient

Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person . Kensington. Kindle Edition.

Help with Stress for an INFJ Empath

Basics
Ni (introverted intuition) is my dominant ability and needs to be in charge so I can think, process, solve problems, and maintain my normal balance in life. Since it is an introverted function, I can only use this ability when I am calm and being in a quiet place helps me focus intuitive abilities (Ni). Being alone allows others emotions to dissipate and puts me in touch with who I am and what I am feeling. If I am actively using my Se (Extroverted Sensing) ability, or my Fe (Extroverted Feeling) ability, then I must suppress (not use) my Ni ability and am therefore not in control of my life.

Se (extroverted sensing) allows me to pick up information and deal with the outside world. Fe (extroverted feeling) allows me to absorb the emotions of others. I can only use these my extroverted functions to provide information which my Dominate Intuitive ability uses to direct my thoughts and actions. I can use my introverted Ti and NI abilities together easily to analyze ideas and plan how meet my goals.

General Help

1. Be alone - I need to be alone without sensory input (peace and quiet) to be able to truly access and use my Dominate Intuitive abilities; to think; to write; to recharge; to solve problems, to receive inspiration; to set priorities and goals; to dissipate others emotions through writing; to be in control of my life; to be at peace. Gives rest from over-use of subordinate functions (Se extroverted sensing and Fe extroverted feeling).
   

Causes of Stress for an INFJ Empath

INFJ’s desire to help people by listening, counseling and giving emotional
support. As an INFJ empath, I struggle with chronic stress. After looking
at my life from a Personality Type perspective, it seems that most stress
comes when I do not use my strengths, but, instead, try to live as a sensing
person (Se) always busily engaged with the world, and an extroverted
feeling person (Fe) always interacting with people. This is my attempt to
change; to be me, to be more at peace, less stressed, and happier.
Suggestions for change are in blue.

INFJ - (Ni ) Introverted Intuition is Dominant ability
(Fe) 2nd, or auxiliary ability, is Extroverted Feeling
(Ti ) 3rd ability is Introverted Thinking
(Se) 4th, or weakest ability, is Extroverted Sensing

Causes of Stress for an INFJ Empath

1. Excess Sensory Stimulation - can feel overwhelmed; to use dominate Ni must be an quiet meditative state; loud noises, bright lights, clutter, fast movement; jiggling, roughness, spicy, strong perfume, or other strong smells or tastes; avoid and minimize; quiet sanctuary; nature;

2. Too Many Details and Pressure- can feel overwhelmed; pressure to handle too many things too quickly (deadlines), busyness, clutter; too much Se (4th ability); need to explore one topic at time deeply; focus on one thing at a time; simple home and simple routines;

3. Interruptions - will break the dominant Ni concentration; have a sanctuary in my home; not give out phone number; set boundaries 

4. Too Much Extraverting - can be overwhelming and draining: INFJ's are relationship oriented; like to form deep relationships with a few people; only use Fe (2nd, auxiliary) for support to Ni function, Fe enables to empathize, feel, and listen to others but is not my main source of energy; if use for a long time, it will drain me; majority of time on Ni 3 times as long; limit social; limit only to the most important social interactions

Are Only SJ's True Homemakers?

"You can eat off my floor!", was obviously coined by the SJ (Sensing Judging) housewife. I don't know about you, but I've never had any desire to eat off of anyone's floor. Floors are for walking on - not eating. The SJ homemaker chimes as she busily scrubs and cleans, "a woman's work is never done!" I wonder what in the world are you doing which takes all day to care for your home? The answer: among dozens of others things, they are polishing real silver silverware, ironing no-iron shirts, dusting endless knickknacks, weeding and trimming their ornate yard, and cooking gourmet dinners.

It took me a long time to realize that they are happy with their life. SJ homemakers enjoy finding things to do. They feel fulfilled in creating a wonderful home where family and friends can relax and enjoy themselves while they bustle around seeing to their every need.

Is this small glittering kingdom of order the only was to make a home? No, there are as many ways of homemaking as there are homes to make. An artistic person might have a simple home with lovely art objects and paintings. A more athletic woman might have a comfortable and tough furnishings; a place where you can "really live". As an INFJ (Introvert Intuitive Feeling Judging) my home is a place for me to recharge and reflect. It is very eclectic and simple, with a few graceful objects and soft pastel colors.  An NT (Intuitive Thinking) might enjoy a spare modern environment, while an STJ (Sensing Thinking Judging) might want a very traditional decor. An Extrovert Feeling person might have a home where the laughter of friends and family rings happily and often.

Each personality type would approach homemaking in their own way. Each has their own gifts to give. Each makes a home in their own way with their own particular style.

My ESFP Dad

What was my ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceptive) dad like?  He was fun! I remember his reading the funny papers to me, complete with all the voices. He played the ukulele, sang, danced, and drummed on every surface.  When I was little, he gave me a Sugar Daddy lollypop whenever I went on an errand with him.  With excited shouts of  "Daddy's Home",  my brother and I ran to greet my dad. He would swing me up on his shoulders and carry me around. He taught me to hike, pack, swim, dance, ride a bike, roller skate, canoe, do math, and drive a car.

Dad helped to give us fun birthday parties. He led the games and kept the excitement up. Once he had us play skunk tag where we were only safe if we hopped on one leg and held our nose. He made a tepee house for me of logs, a toy cabinet out of orange crates, and helped us make tents to play in. We didn't have just plain pancakes, but pancakes in the shape of swans, silver dollars, or Micky Mouse. He was creative and tried to amuse us. During the long stretches across the Nevada desert as we traveled from California to Idaho, he would make up Prospector stories to make the time go faster. When my grandpa was fishing and we had nothing to do, Dad would take us on a hike.

My ISFJ Mom

What was it like growing up with an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging) mom? The first things I think of are kindness and order. Our home was always very clean and neat, meals were nutritious and on time, our clothes were clean and ironed,  the beds were made, our yard was lovely, everything had a place and was in it, holidays and birthdays were important, and tradition was sacred. Mom loved to garden. Everywhere we lived had beautiful flowers. She even turned a field and a gravel driveway in flower gardens.  She was kind and gentle and loved animals. We always had a dog and usually cats. Mom treated the dog as if it was another child.

I remember most her kindness toward all living things and her deep appreciation of beauty.  When I was little, Mom enjoyed paint-by-number oil painting. She loved to sew, and when I was a little girl, she made me many dresses and my brother shirts.  When I was a teen, she learned to knit and made me beautiful sweaters, and when I married and had children, she made baby blankets, sweaters, and outfits for my children. She began painting pictures of flowers and scenes when she was in her fifties. Mom made stunning flower arrangements. Though she liked crafts, her favorite thing as creating a beautiful garden.

ISTJ Style of Fun

My husband, a true ISTJ (Introverted Sensing Think Judging), was recently asked what he does for fun. This question left my husband at a complete loss for a response. Why? Doesn't he have fun?

The problem is that ISTJ's often do not lable the things they enjoy as "fun". "Fun" is a flighty term. Most of what he enjoys comes under the category of "it needed to be done".  Sure, if pressed, he might admit that he enjoys fixing and building things. Does he think fun is bad or a waste of time? No, he just thrives on accomplishment.  ISTJ's love to make lists and cross the items off.

For a personality which has a very high tolerance for repetitive details, likes to schedule, values accomplishment,  and only "plays after all the work is done",  play is a serious business. Always seeking for improvement, they measure how many baskets they got, steps they ran, ski runs without falling, laps they swim. Organized sports such as baseball, basketball, and volleyball where lines are drawn (literally) and rules are clear are favorites of the ISTJ.

INFJ Style of Fun

I know that to an SP the word "Fun" INFJ  (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) don't seem to fit, but we all have fun. We simply enjoy different things. What we enjoy very much relates to our personality.

An SP (Sensing Perceptive) is an action sort of person. They like to experience the world through their senses and without restraints.  From rock climbing to rock concerts, they enjoy the world around them, and the more action, noise, and laser lights the better.

I am a very sensitive INFJ. To me, the action fun of an SP is torture. One I went to a college football game in a large stadium. I sat there turning more and more pale as the SPs stomped and yelled. After several minutes, I fled clutching both my head and my stomach. Once home, I collapsed onto my couch and, immersed in healing silence, I tried to recover.

If the fast movement and vibrating speakers  that excite the SP send me running, the other way, what is "fun" to me?  What does a creative intellectual who also likes accomplishment do for "fun"? Just like everyone else, doing what comes easily for me is "fun".

I like things which give mental challenge; that require me to use my creativity to solve problems. Many board games require a great deal of creative problem solving, especially those where you role play settlers or someone else. Puzzles are  also "fun". Solving mysteries, working out problems, learning something new, going to a new place, reading or watching Fantasy and Science Fiction, writing, pondering the scriptures and ideas, research, learning new things, new cultures, museums, concerts, decorating, and designing are all things which allow me to use my creative intuitive abilities and are "fun".