tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35367152898189860282024-03-05T02:30:18.981-08:00My Perspectives on PersonalityBriggs-Myer Personality type and the Enneagram as it deals with fulfillment, stress, and relationshipsCheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-17901586455703950912022-09-14T09:15:00.005-07:002022-09-14T09:19:52.684-07:00The INFJ Thinker<p> <span face="Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-size: x-small;">by Cheryl Merrick </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face="Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqkZqKlVJXv32VDv6lVpk3kqRsnKI1Nd6M4uLY488TqDVVPILdfisiAZHPgycjDTOgHXcHzB54oMNpT5slnge3koCSB0_1_2IYNGe9SMPmo1Fjfb5N6V4-HAS0ge48Zs_LfMc96x_8Dqa99fcnGO6Q3F7PviM7Pd_0lvUXJPij44G-93AClsCrTkvgDg/s4032/IMG_3275.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqkZqKlVJXv32VDv6lVpk3kqRsnKI1Nd6M4uLY488TqDVVPILdfisiAZHPgycjDTOgHXcHzB54oMNpT5slnge3koCSB0_1_2IYNGe9SMPmo1Fjfb5N6V4-HAS0ge48Zs_LfMc96x_8Dqa99fcnGO6Q3F7PviM7Pd_0lvUXJPij44G-93AClsCrTkvgDg/s320/IMG_3275.jpeg" width="240" /></a></span></div><span face="Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><p></p><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">Using my "subconscious"</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"> consciously,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">my experiences are arranged,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"> in a blink of an eye,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"> into relationships,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">so that amazing patterns emerge</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">and profound meaning is revealed.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">In the busy quiet of my mind,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">feelings become dependable predictions,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">and impressions solidify into principles,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">so that, </span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">through the clear pure light of inspiration,</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;">wise decisions can be made. </span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #0f3e48; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: xx-small;">I wrote this when I had collapsed, again, and I was trying to explain to my husband how essential alone time is to my well being as a strong intuitive thinker (INFJ type). </span></div>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-86324469982805684982022-04-11T09:40:00.001-07:002022-04-11T09:43:06.759-07:00INFJ's are Like Leaven<p><span face="system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: arial; font-size: 18.75px;">Many times I have felt rejected and wondered if I should keep sharing, then I realized that INFJ's are like leaven. Few people notice us or even have the capacity to understand what we are saying, but we make all the difference in the lump. We are often people of faith, vision, and hope, and as so, we must continue to hold up the light. Remember that He who you follow gave though He had little acceptance. Look to Him and look within. Follow the messages of your soul and keep sharing them through the power of music. As you "put them out there", the seekers will find them.</span></p><p><span face="system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: arial; font-size: 18.75px;"><br /></span></p><p><span face="system-ui, -apple-system, "system-ui", ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: arial; font-size: xx-small;">I wrote this several months ago to encourage a young INFJ songwriter. </span></p>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-64653294495585352112022-04-11T09:35:00.000-07:002022-04-11T09:35:59.436-07:00My perspective at 72 of being an INFJ<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMP5823efKA2xojfyiZ0dFXfURFukyfwm0l71qpK3oo31QdkX8WeT89-NkouJlsIA89SAYTVBFBKQTHbeGYpEwodRvTno5Xs2HZZAcwEhcmVqzT_F37S-8J0p8ZWDFYNDcBWifWvjwUTM0DnON56KMtS-a4teBVpMTjtm9w1U55pSptdBikcFzX0wJ1A/s640/IMG_0329.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMP5823efKA2xojfyiZ0dFXfURFukyfwm0l71qpK3oo31QdkX8WeT89-NkouJlsIA89SAYTVBFBKQTHbeGYpEwodRvTno5Xs2HZZAcwEhcmVqzT_F37S-8J0p8ZWDFYNDcBWifWvjwUTM0DnON56KMtS-a4teBVpMTjtm9w1U55pSptdBikcFzX0wJ1A/s320/IMG_0329.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">At nearly 72, I'm realizing that I don't need others to approve of me or understand me. I am an INFJ and finally accept that, except for others like me, most people are not capable of understanding what I say, much less who I am. </span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have changed my expectations and now feel a deep peace. I appreciate others for who they are, share what we can together, learn from them, and enjoy working together with them. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I now accept my limitations. If I must interact socially, I'll relax for a long time before and after. I also compensate for the stress of having to do routine details or anything which requires me to work in thinking or sensing mode for a long time. Walking in nature, getting lost a good upbeat story, or doing a puzzle really relaxes me. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Gently leading others by example is so much more peaceful than trying to push others to change. It is fulfilling to develop and share my talents to inspire others (I write on my blogs, paint, and do photography). Now, I just live what I believe to be right, and enjoy life. I am, finally, just being who I am, an INFJ.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo- me biking at Zion National Park a month ago. My first outing after recovering from stage 3 ovarian cancer</span></span></p>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-52903780692281983712021-06-29T11:33:00.002-07:002021-06-29T11:34:48.606-07:00Expressing Anger as an INFJ<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I grew up in a family where expressing anger or even any assertiveness was not acceptable, so I learned to suppress my anger and turn it inward which caused a lot of depression. I also used to let people "guilt" me into doing what they wanted which resulted in more anger and resentment toward them, which I also tried to suppress. One thing I felt guilty about was that I was "too sensitive", so I suppressed most of my feelings, including my anger.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Now that I am in my seventies, I more firmly stand up for my principles and my needs. Because, as an INFJ, I want to have a sense of peace and unity with people, I still tend to suppress anger, but not always. When I feel that someone else is being unjustly treated, especially when it is someone who is unable to defend themselves, such as a child or animal, I immediately speak up or take action. This isn't a burst of emotion, but rather a totally confident stand for what is right. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Generally though, I prefer not to have confrontations with other people. I am so empathic that it is very stressful for me engage in face to face disagreements with others. All that emotion is simply overwhelming to me. If I must say something, then I prefer to do it on my own turf by expressing my arguments logically in writing. I've found that more aggressive outgoing people have sometimes tried to intimidate me into accepting their ideas by speaking loudly, standing close, and/or repeating what they want over and over, but wrong is wrong no matter how loudly it is said. This is not how I communicate. I never debate or argue what I know is right. I just "know" it. It is not something determined by the "winner" who speaks the loudest, stands the closest, or can look down on their opponent. "Rightness" is something I just know. It is a part of me and any emotional, physical, or financial pressure can not change what I know is right, therefore I will not express anger, but will instead withdraw from any situation where others are trying to intimidate me into doing what they want. <span></span></span></span></p><a name='more'></a><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">I will step out of the area, or better yet never even enter it. Often, I can feel how the other person is feeling, see their perspective, and understand why they are feeling this way. Usually, their behavior has little to do with me and everything to do with their own problems. So, if my values are not threatened, or I don't intend to have any contacts with this person again, I often just move away from that person and simply </span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">ignore</span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"> what they said and did. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Some situations, </span></span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">such as business dealings, </span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">don't lend themselves to relating in my natural way by forming unity through coming to a deep understanding of feelings and goals, such as business dealings. Many very logical people are quite insensitive to others feelings, but in business transactions that is "how it is". It isn't the time to </span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">emphasize</span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"> with their feelings or explain my needs and feelings. I will try to write or vent my anger or maybe let the manager know of the situation if it needs to be improved, but that is about all I'll do. If I can, I handle business things online. It simply takes far more energy to work through all our issues and feelings than I generally want to engage in being such a strong introvert. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">If the other person is abusive, that is a different situation. Anyone who is trying to manipulate me, or thwart my vision I will confront if I must or if it is someone who I want to develop a close relationship with, such as my husband, I will do it. First, I will take time to think it out, then I will explain how I am feeling, what needs to be changed, why, and how to do it, and how it will help us both to reach our goal of a closer relationship. The only time I really "lose it" is when I am experiencing an allergic reaction, or excessively stressed, or totally exhausted. I don't seem to have my normal control at that time and I will lash out, yelling at the other person and venting any pent up anger for quite some time. Needless to say, my husband and I try to be very careful to avoid getting me to this point. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Generally, I'm learning to rely on my INFJ abilities to work out problems. Journaling and discussion helps me be more aware of when I'm becoming angry, then I can focus on resolving the problem. I try to be calm, clear, and helpful with solutions. This is greatly appreciated and received well by my ISTJ husband, but it seems to work well with most people. I realize that they simply have no comprehension of my world and needs, or the feelings within me that their actions create. I use my empathy to gain the necessary information to understand the other person's viewpoint and to sensitively present solutions. When we are back united over true principles, then I no longer feel anger and am at peace. </span></span></p>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-47176889916057693482021-02-15T09:21:00.003-08:002021-02-15T09:36:33.390-08:00INFJ lack of Reflection<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">No Reflection by Cheryl Merrick</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">I make a comment</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">and the room suddenly quiets.</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">After an awkward moment,<br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">all resumes as before.</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">I mention I write,</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">again the embarrassed silence,</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">followed by a change of subject.</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">Could I really </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">think so differently</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">that others have </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">no idea </span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">how to </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">respond to me?</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">Sharing my talent,</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">I watch as others shrink away,</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">uncomfortable by </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">the unfamiliar,</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">so that I see </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">no reflection </span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">of me</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;">in their eyes.</span></div><div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">I wrote this after mentioning what I was writing to a friend who is an ISTJ. We<span><a name='more'></a></span> have been friends for many years sharing our struggles with dealing with chronic health problems, but she can not identify with all the ideas that race through my mind. I know that being an INFJ means that there are few that understand how I think and even fewer that appreciate it. It is sometimes lonely and other times it is invigorating to try to give people the perspective that they need so badly. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the blankness, the total lack of response, that I receive. I could deal with then saying that they didn't agree or even that they don't understand what I mean, but just pretending that I don't exist or hadn't just said something gives me a feeling of being invisible, of being unvalidated, of having no reflection at all.</span></div>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-57968607924834462542020-07-16T15:36:00.002-07:002020-07-16T15:43:20.044-07:00Things we can do to develop our abilities <div><font face="arial">Here are some things we can do to develop those abilities which are not as natural for us - our weaker abilities.</font></div><font face="arial"><b><div><font face="arial"><b><br /></b></font></div>Developing Intuition</b></font><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="arial">Look to the Future</font></li><li><font face="arial">Try the Arts - study, sample different mediums, design</font></li><li><font face="arial">Kindle the Spiritual- religion, seek meaning in life</font></li><li><font face="arial">Study - learn about new things, research new ideas</font></li><li><font face="arial">Engage in Problem Solving</font></li><li><font face="arial">Brainstorm</font></li><li><font face="arial">Try Creative Writing</font></li><li><font face="arial">Read Fiction</font></li><li><font face="arial">Travel and learn about other Cultures</font></li><li><font face="arial">Do some Long Range Planning</font></li><li><font face="arial">Think about Possibilities<span><a name='more'></a></span></font></li><li><font face="arial">Consider possible future consequences of events</font></li><li><font face="arial">Think about the probable future actions of people</font></li><li><font face="arial">Ponder how things Relate</font></li><li><font face="arial">Focus on the Big Picture</font></li><li><font face="arial">Use your imagination to Create</font></li><li><font face="arial">Consider Meanings of actions</font></li><li><font face="arial">Think about what Symbols mean</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be open to Change</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be Receptive to New Ideas</font></li><li><font face="arial">Enjoy Seeing life in a New Way</font></li><li><font face="arial">Relax, Putter, and go with the "Flow"</font></li></ul><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div></div><div><font face="arial"><b>Developing Thinking</b></font></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="arial">Stay Objective when considering data</font></li><li><font face="arial">Choose Fairness and Equality over harmony</font></li><li><font face="arial">Consider Cause and Effect</font></li><li><font face="arial">Look for Logical Consequences</font></li><li><font face="arial">Make Critical Evaluations of people and things</font></li><li><font face="arial">Focus on Efficiency and Competency</font></li><li><font face="arial">Consider the Rights of Others</font></li><li><font face="arial">Try Negotiating and Arbitration</font></li><li><font face="arial">Play Strategy Games such as scrabble and chess</font></li><li><font face="arial">Engage in Debate</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be a part of Consumer Awareness</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be Politically involved</font></li><li><font face="arial">Have high Personal Standards</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be aware of others Standards</font></li><li><font face="arial">Strive to be Consistent</font></li></ul><div><font face="arial"><b>Developing Feeling</b></font></div></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="arial">Try to be more Aware of how Actions Affect Others</font></li><li><font face="arial">Reassess Priorities considering how they Affect People</font></li><li><font face="arial">Give Emotional Support</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be Concerned with Others Needs</font></li><li><font face="arial">Cultivate friendships- share and experience feelings</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be Interested in Communication and Listening Skills</font></li><li><font face="arial">Show Appreciation for others Contributions</font></li><li><font face="arial">Do Volunteer Work</font></li><li><font face="arial">Mentor people</font></li><li><font face="arial">Rekindle past Relationships</font></li><li><font face="arial">Go to Reunions</font></li><li><font face="arial">Consider Personal Therapy if needed</font></li><li><font face="arial">Engage in Open, thoughtful Communication</font></li><li><font face="arial">Write your feelings</font></li><li><font face="arial">Journal your thoughts</font></li><li><font face="arial">Express Gratitude to others</font></li><li><font face="arial">Praise others</font></li></ul><div><font face="arial"><b>Developing Sensing</b></font></div></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><font face="arial">Focus on the Present Moment</font></li><li><font face="arial">Slow down and be more aware of sensory input (smell the roses)</font></li><li><font face="arial">Appreciate Nature</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be interested in Facts and Details</font></li><li><font face="arial">Be more Precise and Accurate</font></li><li><font face="arial">Try to be more Realistic - especially about how long things will take</font></li><li><font face="arial">Do Cooking, Baking, Crafts, Sports, Building</font></li><li><font face="arial">Listen to Music</font></li><li><font face="arial">Exercise</font></li><li><font face="arial">Hike and Camp</font></li><li><font face="arial">Garden</font></li><li><font face="arial">Read Nonfiction</font></li><li><font face="arial">Pay more Attention to Details</font></li><li><font face="arial">Show more Interest in Numbers ( balancing checkbook etc.)</font></li></ul></div>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-15946664603960267382020-05-16T13:38:00.003-07:002020-05-26T08:20:39.716-07:00What do you do when your aging parent is narcissistic? <font face="arial">I've spent most of my adult life trying to get away from my abusive parents. </font><span style="font-family: arial;">Though my father died almost twenty years ago, my mother is still living. Now, t</span><font face="arial">he day I have feared for so many years has finally arrived. My step-father has died leaving only me to care for my ninety year old, relatively healthy and definately mentally sharp, mother. </font><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">Though it sounds normal and responsible for the only daughter to care for her aging mother, what responsibility do I have to a person who has been emotionally abusing me my entire life? Seventy years has seemed like an eternity as I have endured the pain my mother has inflicted. For the last couple of years I have stepped back, and my health has begun to improve as I have been relieved from the stress of having to deal with her. </span></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">I have dreaded this day and hoped that she would die before her husband, or that someone else would step forward to deal with her, but there is no one else. </font><span style="font-family: arial;">There isn't any other relative</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> to help. The people she knew have died, and she never had any friends. There is no one but me. </span><font face="arial">I've been struggling with the urge to just run as far away and as fast as I can, but being a very loving, responsible INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging) person, I decided instead to do the "right thing"</font><span style="font-family: arial;">.<span><a name='more'></a></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><font face="arial">So determined to do what is "right" and "expected", I called my mother inquiring of her needs and offering our help. Three weeks later I was a shaky, nervous, emotional wreck. Shortly after that, I collapsed with adrenal exhaustion, once again. I had been doing so well since I had not been communicating with my mother, and now it only took three weeks for my health to sink to this low point again. </font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">What happened? My mother took my love and concern for her and used it to hurt me. She hid information, "gaslighted" or denied that things she had said or done had ever happened and implied that the events were only a figment of my deranged mind and over emotionalism. She denied or changed information, rewriting events as it suited her needs, bombarded me with all sorts of accusations, insulted me, dwelt on my supposed weakness, kept trying to put me on the defensive, stalled and withheld information, refused to economize while demanding we give her money, lied to me and lied about me to others, compared me to other family members - trying to evoke jealousy, and was dismissive, critical, and very condescending. One moment she played the pitiful victim with endless stories of woe, then the next time we talked, she arrogantly snapped at me wondering why I would think she needed help; and other times, she just gave me "the silent treatment" where she refused to talk to me. She </font><span style="font-family: arial;">accused me of being a mean, thoughtless, selfish, and evil daughter</span><span style="font-family: arial;">. All the time, she kept subtly</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> implying that I was mentally unbalanced. Well, after a few weeks of talking to her, I was sure getting there! </span></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">What is especially difficult to deal with is that my "crimes" for which she asserted that I should feel extreme guilt were that we offered to provide her with a nice mobile home near us where she could live comfortably on her social security income. Also, after enduring hours of her moaning about how she couldn't go through things because she couldn't get boxes down off shelves, or move them to another room, or take her garbage out, I arranged for a local handyman to give her whatever assistance she wanted. After keeping me anxiously engaged with her for three weeks as I dutifully attempted to present her with these two offers despite her constant manipulation, Mom now vented her fury on me.</font><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">That was it. I had had it! </span><span style="font-family: arial;">I knew it was time to take another look at my "obligations". </span><span style="font-family: arial;">So this is why I'm asking myself, "Now what?" I've been remembering the story of a little boy who picked up a rattlesnake, trusting the snake's promise that he wouldn't hurt him. When the snake bit him, the boy exclaimed</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> that the snake promised he wouldn't hurt him. The snake coolly replies, "But you knew what I was when you picked me up!"* </span></div><div><br /></div><div><font face="arial">I have been "bitten" for seventy years, so why did I expect her to be any different now? The reason -- because I wanted so much to have a loving mother/daughter relationship that I trusted her when I shouldn't have. I wanted to hope that now that she was a widow with little income, that she might treat me differently. But a snake is always a snake, and a sociopath also shows little desire to change. They don't know any other way of relating. All interactions are seen as competitions which she must win at any cost -- to her competitor. Yes, she needs me to give her attention, and to give her quick fixes of power and energy as she "scores" another "win" over me by confusing and controlling me. </font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">She is well aware of my gentle nature and hesitation to hurt anyone-- ever. </font></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">I know that to achieve her goals Mom will always try to use my love, and my love for others to manipulate me, threatening if I don't do what she wants, she will hurt those I love. Sociopaths enjoy pitting people against each other and fan lies and spread innuendo to encourage discord. Since they are stagnant</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> personalities, neither progressing or creating, they instead rely on receiving energy from the emotional reactions and distress they rouse in others. This is why sociopaths are often referred</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> to as energy vampires. </span></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">As hard as it may be to accept, </font><span style="font-family: arial;">I do still love my mother. As an empath and an INFJ it is my nature to endlessly try to help others, and I really do appreciate the nice things she did for me. This is why</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> I was overly trusting and ever hopeful thinking that a few years and a change of circumstance would change her as a person. As I am recovering from my "bite", I am a wiser person. Will I bring her into my home to lovingly care for her? No. Will I spend our savings to purchase a nice mobile home near us where she can live comfortably while subjecting me, my husband, my children, and my grandchildren to her constant insidious poison? No. Am I going to give her my money, my time, my energy, my family, my health, and my sanity, just so she can continue to feed her insatiable need to feel that she is an important, powerful person? No. </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Am I going to allow her to continue to engage me in these verbal games where she rewrites the rules as she goes to insure her "win" and to erode my sense of reality and manipulate me into allowing her to control my life? No. </span><span style="font-family: arial;">Am I going to become the "good" </span><span style="font-family: arial;">submissive daughter she wants? No. </span></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">Will I continue to allow her to dump responsibility for her life and her happiness on me? No. Am I going to accept that as "The Matriarch" of the family, it is her "right" to demand that I give her everything she wants? No. Am I going to rush over ten hours to her home each time she needs a box moved, or her trash taken out? No. Am I going to spend my money, my time, and my health traveling back and forth to visit and help her, attempting to help her move, or find a place she could live or a convalescent hospital, only to have her toy with me as a cat with a mouse claiming, when I get there, that she doesn't really need anything? No. Am I going to provide luxuries for her that she has not earned, but merely believes she is entitled to? No. Am I going to call and visit her just so she can be energized by hurting me, by "winning"? No. Will I defend my sense of identity, nurture myself, enjoy my marriage and family, and share my love and talents with others, or will I allow my mother to batter me, leaving me an exhausted, anxious, drained wreck broken upon her irrational need to always feel that she has "won"? Definitely-- No. </font></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">As hard as it is for me. I must remember that I have been carefully trained to downplay her inappropriate</span><span style="font-family: arial;"> behavior, question my memory of what happened, doubt my emotionally stability, dismiss her behavior as "normal", excuse her actions, believe that I "deserve" such treatment, and accept that the things she has done are just a kind mother's attempts to "teach" her pathetic daughter to be a "good" person. I have been trained to believe that I am responsible for all the actions she did, but which she disavows that ever happened. How's that for a twisted "guilt trip?!" </span></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">I must stand firm. I must hold to correct principles. I must protect myself and my family from a person whose goal is not to love, but to hurt. I have to accept that she is not going to change in this life. I don't know why she acts as she does. Perhaps her emotional development was thwarted by her childhood upbringing. All I know is that she is a frightened person who is afraid that people are out to hurt and control her. I am so sorry that she feels that she must defend herself by manipulating and confusing others, so that she can control them and therefore feel safe. I am sorry that she is afraid to grow and to love. </font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial">I have watched my mother create situations which cause others pain, then experienced her cool satisfaction as she gloats, empowered in the knowledge that she was able to manipulate other people. Though I know her intent has been to feel in control and therefore safe, I cannot allow her to destroy in a few months all that I have spent a lifetime building. I cannot allow her to harm my family relationships. Knowing that, to her, leaving this life after delivering a poisoned guilt message which would gnaw on me long after she is gone would be the ultimate "victory", I must reluctantly accept that my mother will have to even die as she has lived-- alone. </font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial"><font size="1">Snake story -</font> </font><a href="https://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TheLittleBoyAndTheRattlesnake-Cherokee.html" style="font-family: arial;"><font size="1">https://www.firstpeople.us/FP-Html-Legends/TheLittleBoyAndTheRattlesnake-Cherokee.html</font></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div><div><font face="arial"><br /></font></div></div>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-1017396997049114512020-04-27T11:46:00.000-07:002020-04-27T11:47:15.193-07:00Poems about my INFJ sense of mission<span style="color: #bf9000;">A Candle</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">by Cheryl Merrick</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most flames join</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the blazing hearth fire </span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">adding to </span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">its merry warmth,</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But a few choose</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">solitary candlesticks</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">bringing light to even</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the darkest night.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A Poet's Longing</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">by Cheryl Merrick</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In a quiet room with a comfy chair</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and large windows </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">overlooking the world,</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I found my poet's heart.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Within is a craving </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to experience </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the hours of intense focus,</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and the exquisite beauty </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">in the flashes of inspiration </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">which connect </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">me to the divine.</span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I long to be warmed </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">by the energy of creating,</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and to, at last, enjoy that tender moment</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">when I gently hold my new insight lantern high</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">filling it with light and hope,</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">then watch as it slowly rises </span><br />
<span style="color: #f1c232; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to sparkle </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">in the world's dark night sky.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Turning On My Light</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b>by Cheryl Merrick</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Long have I existed,</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>conforming to the </b></span><b style="color: #bf9000; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">pull</b></div>
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<b style="color: #bf9000; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">for momentary harmony,</b></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>mirroring back to others</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>what they wanted to see.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Dejected, I sulked</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>in this semi-darkness</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>longing for understanding</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>and for the approval </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>to share my light.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Finally, recognizing that</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>darkness can not </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>comprehend the light,</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>I resolve to be </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>who I am and bravely</b></span></div>
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>turn on My Light.</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Soaring and Rocks</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">by Cheryl Merrick</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Like a bird soaring</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">high above the ground,</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I see patterns below me</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and am warmed </span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">by the light from above.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not built for rock moving,</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I collapse in exhaustion</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">beside my the pitiful pile</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-- my full day's work.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Having chosen the earth</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">where his strength is needed,</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the powerful draft horse</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">sees my plight.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In a few hours he has</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">all my rocks neatly piled</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">where they need to be.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Satisfied with his accomplishment,</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">he listens to my tales</span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">of the view from the sky. </span><br />
<span style="color: #bf9000; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-38561841423504251322020-04-27T11:19:00.000-07:002020-04-28T05:43:21.216-07:00Recentering as an INFJ<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Once again I was burnt out and unhappy. As an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) this happens to me frequently. At these times, I pull back into my mind so I can regain my center; a sense of who I really am. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I read and pondered, I was reminded that as an INFJ, I am one of the two personality types (INFP Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceptive is the other) who use intuition and feeling as a way to deal with life. This really is a different way to live. Like other introverted intuitive types, we spend a lot of time in the world of thought, but combined with Feeling this world becomes extra special. It is the world of imagination, of creativity, and of the spirit. We are roses in the cornfield. We are lights shining in the darkness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are also considered a bit weird, which as an INFJ, I can't deny. </span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our seeking out the spiritual, our firm grasp on truth, our drive to grow, our ability to see the whole picture, our deep compassion and love for others, our ability to inspire others to reach the best within themselves, our potential to influence others through writing (even as the rarest type, INFJ's make up a quarter of all writers), our amazing capability to "just know" about other people and the past and future, our vision and wisdom, our astounding use of inductive reasoning, and our capacity to deeply experience others' feelings are all most unusual. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In a society where my intuitive feeling type of thought is defined merely as "illogical" and "unreasonable", where achieving goals and high production (Thinking type), and making quick decisions and socializing (Extraversion) are valued, I really don't fit in, but I like it that way. I don't want to be a person who is driven by linear logic to perform a myriad</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> of endless details each day. I like to take my time to savor, absorb, experience, and reflect. Why should I confine myself to the box, or to a black and white world when I can experience life in all its depth and colors?! I enjoy the world of creativity, spirituality, and beauty. It is where I live. It is my home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I don't expect others to understand how I think. For most people, when they say they are using "intuition", they mean that they somehow just know how to do something. As an INFJ, I use Intuition consciously. In fact, intuition is my strongest ability, my dominant strength. For me, intuition is not a mysterious, unconscious, uncontrollable part of the brain, but a global way of thinking which guides my life and allows me to create new ideas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I start feeling lonely, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have to remind myself that God put me on a different path so I could share the love, hope, beauty, wholeness, and</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> insights I find in "my world" with others. I am here </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to inspire us to reach our potential. I am here to </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">be a light.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>This is a good book I read, and one you might enjoy.<br />
Sapala, Lauren (2019-09-16). The INFJ Revolution: Reclaim Your Power, Live Your Purpose, Heal the WorldCheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-26192596274793111412019-12-16T22:38:00.000-08:002019-12-24T15:56:12.362-08:00Multi-generational Narcissism<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How does narcissism get passed down in families? It is a pattern of coping that can be perpetuated for generations unless someone breaks the chain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here is how a narcissistic parent trains their child to meet their needs:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When the child is an infant, before they develop any sense of self, confidence in themselves, or a support network, the undermining begins.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is kept completely dependent on only the narcissistic parent to meet their needs</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is never allowed to feel secure since that would empower them</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child's needs are not recognized, nor met promptly</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is constantly reminded that expressing their needs is "selfish" and told that they should be ashamed<a name='more'></a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is kept confused and unsure of themselves</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Praise is never given for <u>anything</u>; it is not achievable</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is taught that they are not praised because the child does not deserve to be praised; the child is inherently "inadequate"</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every physical, mental, and emotional characteristic of the child is criticized</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Criticism is given in a subtle, long suffering manner by the parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The parent implies that only they could possibly love, care for, or even tolerate someone who is so "flawed" </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child's "fatal flaw" is never divulged, but is left vague - with the implication that it is so terrible that they can't even say it</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child feels "flawed", but since the "flaw" is never identified, the child is unable to correct it, or even work on it</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is not allowed to develop friendships or any support network with extended family or even within the immediate family</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Closeness with the other parent and siblings is destroyed by the narcissistic parent by their constantly criticising and lying about the "victim" to the other other family members and by the narcissistic parent keeping their chosen "victim" apart from the support of other family members</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The narcissistic parent will lie about their victim thereby eroding their self esteem and destroying potential supportive relationships</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often one child is designated as the "scapegoat" (victim) who gets all the blame for the parent's mistakes; another child may be considered as the "favored child" who can do no wrong</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Growing up and any expression of normal independence is severely punished</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Any expression of the child's needs is denied. They are told that their perceptions are "wrong". They are not really cold, hot, hungry, or tired etc. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child's needs will be partly met, but only under the parent's total control. The parent will determine when the child is thirsty and give the child the water which is generally when the parent is thirsty. The child is always kept waiting to "let them know who is boss" and to teach them to be "good and polite".</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If the narcissistic parent is concerned about what others will think of them, then the child's needs may be met, or the child treated kindly, when they are around other adults, but not when the child is alone with the parent.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child never knows how his parent will react to them. They are kept anxiously trying to anticipate their parent's next move.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is never allowed to take any independent action; every action must be directed by the parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When the parent's mistakes are noticed by other adults, the parent blames the child publicly for the parent's own mistakes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When in public, the child is not allowed to talk to, or even make eye contact with other adults, or even spend time with grandparents; ensuring the parent's total control of the child</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Everything the child needs is given only by the narcissistic parent; for example: school supplies were given as Christmas gifts</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is kept near the narcissistic parent, except when inconvenient for the parent, and away from the other parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child's memory is discredited with "correct memories" supplied by the narcissistic parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Only the "favored" child is given lessons to develop talents, but the "scapegoat" child is told that, sadly, they don't have any abilities</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is not allowed to have any physical boundaries; bathroom doors may never be locked; parents can walk in their bedroom and go through their things whenever they wish; the child's bedroom does not have curtains; the parent chooses the child's clothing, room decoration; what the child must eat (and must enjoy); the parent chooses colors the child "likes", etc (generally the likes of the parent)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is not allowed to have any emotional boundaries; they are to divulge all thoughts and report all interactions with others to the parent; their letters or diary (if they are foolish enough to have one) are read by the narcissistic parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child will be severely punished if they ever question any action or statement of the parent</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child lives with the constant threat of being abandoned and therefore conforms to the parent's wishes</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Success, award, or praise from other adults at school, church, sports etc is always nullified by the narcissistic parent pointing out that they "should have done better" and listing all of the child's weaknesses </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is never to defend themselves in any way, or they will be severely punished for being "uppity"</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is always to be humbly grateful for all the things the parent does to them or chooses to give them</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is expected to be apologetic for even existing and for being a "bother" to their parents</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child may never express any negative emotions</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child must always have a slight smile on their face</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is expected to accept responsibility for all their parent's unfair and immature behavior</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is to accept that they "deserved" all that their parents did to them</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame is the major method used to control the child</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Withdrawing from the child is also used to punish the child into submission (not looking at, not being in same room, or not talking to the child)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is trained to feel shame for having any needs, desires, or goals</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is taught that any expression of their needs, desires, or goals is "selfish" and is obviously an effort to purposely hurt the narcissistic parent, thus showing how "bad" they truly are</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child is told that "good" people just think of others (which means only the narcissistic</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> parent)</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Don't think these examples are extreme. I actually experienced all of them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So the child grows up. Here is a child who has spent their life trying the needs of their narcissistic parent. I was even told that my purpose in life was to "make my parents happy", and I was expected to do it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now grown, the child has never had their needs, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, or accomplishments validated. They most likely have never seen how mature adults identify and express feelings and needs, or seen how mature adults solve problems. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The child raised by narcissistic parent(s) becomes larger in size, but since they have not been allowed to go through the normal stages of development, the are often inside more child than adult. The child/adult has:</span></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little self-identity</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little awareness of their feelings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little awareness of their needs</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Few, or no, goals</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little sense of attachment</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little confidence in their abilities</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Poor communication skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Few social skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Few problem solving skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Their talents are unknown and undeveloped</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Experiences crippling shame</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Experiences social anxiety</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little ability to self sooth</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Has trouble with asserting own needs</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Has difficulty self nurturing; with self care</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little confidence in themselves </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Few marriage skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Few parenting skills</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Great difficulty responding to their child's needs</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often feel lonely and empty</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Little concept of boundaries; trouble setting and defending</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how does this child/adult deal with life? This is assuming that they somehow are able to get away from their narcissistic parent and live independently. The answer -- not well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many will do what most people do. They simply copy the coping behavior of their parents, and so begins another generation of narcissistic child/parenting where the parent uses their child to boost their esteem and meet the parent's needs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But not everyone who is raised by narcissistic parents will become narcissistic themselves. Some are able to follow another path, but they still experience incredible stress due to their lack of good coping skills and because they lack a strong awareness of their own identity, needs, feelings, and goals. Consequently to survive, some turn to drugs, become severely depressed, some dissociate (space out mentally), become physical ill, some take their own lives, or, with support from others, some receive the healing they need and live happy lives. </span></div>
Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-47017266327211929772019-12-03T18:46:00.001-08:002019-12-03T18:47:04.450-08:00Accepting that I really am an Enneagram Type 9<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've known for years that my personality type is an INFJ (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging) using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I could easily see myself as this type of person. As an Introvert, I try to deal with the world through my extroverted Feeling ability, and choose to use my strongest ability, Intuition, in my mind creating new ideas. I also know that I definitely </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">prefer to have things planned and settled (Judging). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It all seemed pretty simple, but I was finding that I'd keep making commitments that I really didn't want to do, or couldn't fulfill. After a few months of this, I'd end up exhausted, then I'd pull back into my mind spending hours alone studying and trying to get in touch with my "lost" identity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was after my most recent "crash" that I knew this "boom and bust" cycle had to end. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What was I doing wrong? I needed more understanding than I was finding in my INFJ study. It was then that I remembered about the Enneagram. Could it help?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Confusing Enneagram Test Results</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A year ago, I had taken the Enneagram test designed by the widely accepted expert in the field, Don Riso. I thought I was a <b>Type One</b> with a Two wing (Type 1w2), but I was having second thoughts as I studied the Enneagram more. Yes, I have high ideals as the Type One has, but Type One seemed too rigid, too pushy, too driven, and not accepting enough. It seemed more "left brained", more focused on using Thinking logic and goals (Ti Introverted Thinking), and just wasn't intuitive enough. Finally, I had to conclude that it really wasn't me, but what was?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I took this test several more times along with several other Enneagram tests. Each time most of test scores were fairly even. The only types that were lower were Type 8 (The Challenger - who deals with self-assertion and leadership) which consistently were my lowest scores; Type 7 (The Enthusiast - who deals with enjoying life) which consistently were my second lowest scores; and Type 3 (The Achiever- who deals with self-esteem and self-development) which consistently were my third lowest scores. I began to wonder if the Enneagram just didn't work, but as I studied, I saw that it seemed to fit other people that I knew very well. Why didn't my scores reveal what type I was?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Considering Other Types</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I wondered if I was a <b>Type 2 </b>(The Helper - who deals with empathy and altruism). After all, I am very empathic and focus on others' needs before my own. But, after more study, I had to admit that I really am not a person who runs around helping others. I really do care about others, but not in that way. I'd rather teach people how to help help themselves, so Type 2 couldn't be me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The <b>Type 3 (</b>the busy achiever) certainly wasn't me. It was so driven, and social conscious which is not me!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How about the <b>Type 4</b>. This type is The Individualist. It is very self-aware and desires to express itself creativity. This type is more "right-brained", intuitive, and creative, which I certainly am. Also, I love to write. Maybe this was it! For about a week I tried to see myself as a moody, romantic, artistic soul. It just was too dramatic for me, and I'd hardly be described as overly emotional. Also, Type 4</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> focuses on their own inward emotional states, and since I know that I am exceptionally empathic and focused on others, this didn't fit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Next, I thought I might be a Type 4 with a 5 wing. The <b>Type 5</b> loves to study and spend a lot of time alone. That sounded like me, but it wasn't, since a Type 5 is also too "left-brained". They remember all sorts of details, live to learn, and prefer to spend a lot of time alone. This type just wasn't focused enough on helping other people to be me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">By now I was getting concerned with more than half the types eliminated. How about <b>Type 6</b>? This is the true blue "solid" member of society. It was too rigid, and I'm more concerned with individuals, not with society.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Well, how about <b>Type 7</b>? Enthusiastically sampling life and "going for the gusto" is not a type I identify with, so that isn't it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That left Type 8 and Type 9 to consider, but it didn't take me long to dismiss them. To me <b>Type 8</b> seemed overly aggressive and, to be frank, <b>Type 9</b> seemed just to be coasting through life with no real goals. These couldn't be me!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Going Deeper</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe I hadn't gone deep enough, and I was some variation of one of the types, so I went "deeper". I studied the 9 levels of development within each type, Types in combination with their wings, how each type acts when stressed and at their best (the Direction of Integration and Integration), and the three Instinctual drives as applied to each of the 9 Types.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>What Can Cause Level Scores</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, I read that there are two things which might cause my score to be pretty level: one could be that I was so mature that I had developed all my abilities to a high level (I liked this idea!), and the other was that I could be a Type 9. Being a Type 9 did not seem a pleasant thought. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Type 9 - a "chameleon"</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I read about how a Type 9 sees themselves in all other types and can act like all other types -- all except themselves. It was further explained that Type 9 might act out some social role, or copy the behavior of someone they admire and are close to. If they are an older woman they might see themselves as a Type 2 (society's expectation for a woman - a "feely" helper), or if a man, they might see themselves as a Type 5 (the stereotype of the unemotional, logical male).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was getting harder and harder to discount, but could I really be a Type 9? I looked at the strengths of a healthy Type 9: they are agreeable, patient, kind, reassuring, creative, friendly, holistic, supportive, enthusiastic, peaceful, receptive, persistent, can see universal truths, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">spiritual, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">calm, idealistic, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">tolerant, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">optimistic, good listener, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">exceptionally empathic, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and make wonderful mediators. They can also be </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">emotionally open, strong, mature, serene, and stable, and have the ability to be in touch with, and trust, themselves and others. Their desire is to unite everyone and everything in harmonious unity. That sounded pretty good, and it did sound like me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Type 9 with a Type 1 wing</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It appears that instead of being a Type One like I originally thought, I'm a Type 9 with a Type One wing (9w1), also known as the Negotiator. This combination helps the Type 9 have better rational self-control, synthesize data and concepts into a coherent whole, and have the drive to implement</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> their dreams realistically</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">. Now, this really seemed like me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Accepting how Type 9 deals with Stress</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm still working at accepting that the Type 9 often deals with stress by simply suppressing their feelings and needs, and by tuning out any uncomfortable reality. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At best, all that can be achieved by this approach is to reach a state of "fake" peace. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, this also seems like me. I console myself by remembering each Type has its unhealthy ways of coping with stress. It is something that we all have to deal with and overcome.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Problems with Acceptance</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My major problem with accepting myself as a Type 9 was how passive they sounded. After studying more, I realized that disavowing reality and "hiding" in fantasy, or sensual pleasures such as eating, is their unhealthy response to stress. This is not how a healthy Type 9 functions. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also, I learned that even an unhealthy Type 9 doesn't just sit there comatose eating chips and watching TV. An unhealthy Type 9 can be constantly busy. The catch is that they are doing things of little value, "busy work". This nailed me. I was indeed a Type 9.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am now going to take a closer look at my strengths, weaknesses, and potential as an Enneagram Type 9 in other articles.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-59485481228305782442019-12-03T18:46:00.000-08:002019-12-05T11:24:05.194-08:00The Good things about being an Enneagram Type 9<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Though each Enneagram Type has great strengths, which I appreciate, I like best being me, an Enneagram Type 9. I must confess that it took me a while to accept that I really am a Type 9, The Peacemaker, or The Mediator. I wouldn't consider that I might be this type for several weeks. I think the problem was that I was comparing my weaknesses with others' strengths. Another difficulty was that I was looking at the qualities of a Type 9 from the viewpoint of others, instead of reaching deep within and feeling the "rightness" in my soul of being a Type 9. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Type 9 Motivation</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Let's face it, someone who's motivation in life is to create harmony and peace isn't valued as much in our culture </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(in the United States) </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">as a the "go getter" Type 3 achiever, or a the "take charge" Type 8 leader, or a the "rock of society" Type 6 , or even the "life of the party" Type 7. They all "do" something. Type 2 helps people, Type 1 reforms the world, Type 3 has a drive to achieve, Type 4 creates in the arts, Type 5 studies and invents, Type 6 manages, Type 7 entertains, and Type 8 leads. Actually, I find the other types rather intimidating. They are all so driven and forceful, while I am not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Type 9 Peacemakers</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Type 9 Peacemakers are very gentle people who can patiently work all our lives on our goal to form unity and peace around us. Yes, this is idealistic and optimistic, but think what the world would be like if there were more of us! Yes, we are the "eternal optimists" who not only look for and hope for the good, but devote our lives to making it happen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Type 9 Mediators</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We have a gift of being able to hold, while not judging, many points of view and multiple issues at the same time. Since we are so receptive to not only others' ideas, but also to their feelings, we are aware of how others are feeling at a particular time. This strong empathic ability, plus the talent to be good communicators enables us to be exceptional mediators who can bring harmony to groups of people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Famous Type 9</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Though there are a few famous Type 9's such as t</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">he Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, JFK, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Nelson Mandela, and my hero, Mr. Rogers; most of us are more involved in "invisible" work.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Few people are even aware that we are "doing anything". They simply take for granted that the people in their family, at their job, or on their team just seem to get along and work well together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Healthy Type 9</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Type 9 people can also be tolerant, receptive, patient, wise, grounded, non </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">judgemental,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">forgiving, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">warm, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">calming, serene, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">healing, trusting, open,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> secure, and emotionally stable. We are content to </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">be who we are and aren't concerned with </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">impressing other people. We are warm, reassuring, and supportive friends who listen uncritically to your problems and share your good times.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If we are at a point of healthy development, we can also be aware of our own feelings, have a strong spiritual connection to life, have a healing influence, and be constantly improving, enthusiastic, creative, open to new ideas, and steadfastly hold and defend our very strong beliefs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>What I like best</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What I like best about being a Type 9 is being so global. I enjoy the amazing sense of balance, peace, and flow it gives me. It is an incredible experience when I am using my powerful intuition to see the big picture and connect all my ideas and information into the whole. I yearn to understand how everything is related. This global orientation gives me the desire to also help bring wholeness to people by uniting them and helping them to work in harmony.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Creating Unity</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Part of the way I help to create unity is through my creativity. Type 9 people are very visual which is expected for someone so "right brained". We usually like to express our imagination through forming images whether in music, art, dance, or words. I especially love using metaphors and similes to create thought pictures in my writing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Influence of Type 9</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People who are called Type 9, The Peacemaker, The Mediator, and sometimes, The Dreamer, have an incredible ability to influence the world when we quit just dreaming, and courageously live our beliefs. We have the ability to lift others, to make the world a better place; a place of peace and love. We need to remember that we are enough and just be ourselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-75284170407409047632019-12-03T18:45:00.002-08:002019-12-05T11:27:37.026-08:00The Challenges of being an Enneagram Type 9<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I saw that the Enneagram Type 9 deal with stress by withdrawing from reality, just puttering, procrastinating, being passive aggressive, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">cocooning themselves in comforting routines, hiding out in fantasy or study, "zoning out" (dissociation - feeling blank and not connected to anything), seeking comfort from food, fleeing into fantasy or worry, hiding from anxiety by doing "busy work", </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">suppressing their own feelings to "keep the peace" and putting others needs first, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I didn't think that could be me. It has taken me a while and some time observing my own behavior to realize that I really do these things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Procrastination</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For example, yesterday I had set a goal of writing the post about the positive qualities of the Type 9. Before I started, I decided to rearrange a couple cupboards, put in some laundry, and check my emails. By then it was 1:30 and my husband was home for lunch. After lunch, he was going to put a new sink drain in the kitchen sink. I told myself that he would probably enjoy having me nearby while he worked, and perhaps I should do some Christmas decorating in this room while he was there; after all we should enjoy all the time we can together - we are getting older. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At that point, I smiled at myself. What did I think I was doing? Well, I knew what I was doing. I was procrastinating doing something that was difficult for me to face. They say that Type 9 people like to stay in the background and not draw attention to themselves or "brag" about themselves. Having to write a post about what I like about being a Type 9, simply wasn't something I felt comfortable doing, so I was putting it off by doing "busy work" and puttering around doing things which didn't need to be done at that time. I was even trying to use my husband's supposed "needs" to help me avoid doing what I found difficult. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To help get me going on the writing I knew would help me grow, I took a moment to explain the situation to my husband. He looked at me and said, "I love having you with me, but watching me do plumbing is hardly a big thrill." I agreed and admitted that since he would have his head under the sink for ages, he wouldn't even know if I was there or not. He concurred, and, excuses gone, I finally got to work. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For years, I've been using excuses to avoid doing difficult things. I had little children, teens, too much housework, too many responsibilities, poor health, too many people needed me, too many other things I needed to do now, everyone around me wasn't happy yet, I'm too upset or worried now, my life isn't settled yet, I'm not ready or mature enough, and so on. I've deep down avoided problems by blaming others, my health, or my circumstances. Years have passed in resigned depression with me ever longing for someone else to solve my problems for me. I wanted God to take away my challenges and give me peace, which He wisely didn't.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Procrastinators can be busy people</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This doesn't mean that I just sat around, or didn't do a lot of difficult things; I've done all sorts of things which have been hard for me. I just waste a lot of time in procrastination. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Always hating it when one of my children procrastinated</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, it reinforces the truth that we dislike in others what we most dislike in ourselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Dissociating</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm having to accept that I really do dissociate to avoid facing problems. It is not something that I do consciously. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm not even aware that I am turning off from reality -- my mind just goes blank, my focus fuzzy, and I might even suddenly fall asleep. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will not even have </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">any memory of what I did during that time -- hours will just be gone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course it takes a lot of energy to block out challenging situations in life. It is exhausting. I'm struggling to accept that my constant fatigue is probably related to this tendency to dissociate, to step away into my mind, to avoid dealing with my problems. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Facing Problems</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Eventually, I do face problems, but only when they become so intolerable that I have trouble functioning. All I can do for a while is just sit there, exhausted, in a daze unable to move. When I reach this point where I can't do much of anything else, I spend a lot of time thinking about what went wrong. Finally, I see the whole picture and the consequences of my actions. I've had to accept that many times, in my desire to maintain peace, I have simply gone along with others requests, ending up exhausting myself merely to enable other people to avoid their responsibilities. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Suddenly aware, I rush to erect firm boundaries, or I may even entirely step out of the situation, or relationship. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course it would have been better to have accepted my own needs and set reasonable boundaries at the first, instead of letting things get out of hand. Now that I'm more aware of how I, as a Type 9, deal with stress, I hope to use this understanding to better cope with my challenges, so that I have more than the mere fake "peace" of avoidance, but instead have the true peace which comes from knowing and accepting myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-69915820726248440202019-12-03T18:45:00.001-08:002019-12-05T11:32:51.068-08:00Creating Emotional Balance as an Enneagram Type 9<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As an INFJ, I've heard many times how essential balance is to my happiness, but I've been unsure what that meant. Now that I'm also studying the Enneagram Type 9, I better understand how to achieve this balance in my life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Suppressing my Feelings and Needs</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As a Type 9, I can be very receptive to others' emotions. This can give me great empathy, and it allows me to understand many points of view. It can also enable me to be very supportive of other people and bring unity to groups. It can become a serious problem if I rely on this ability too heavily. By inappropriately suppressing my feelings and needs, so that I can be more receptive to others, I can end up losing my own sense of identity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Losing my Identity</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is one of my major challenges in life. When I lose my identity, I have to spend weeks alone, thinking, to rediscover who I really am. If I regularly take the time to notice what I am feeling, it helps to keep me connected with myself. Writing poems, journal keeping, and sharing my feelings with close friends, such as my husband, all assist me to remember who I am. I also need time before I make decisions. It helps me connect to my introverted functions of intuition and thinking when I write out and discuss the pros and cons, and consider my own goals and needs, then I'm able to evaluate how best to support others. This regular reflective time where I engage my strongest ability, introverted intuition, supported by my introverted thinking, and with my extroverted feeling values and information and sensing input, is essential to maintaining my balance in life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>How I become an Enabler</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I am too busy to make alone time to think, I simply passively receive others' feelings and, attempting to meet their needs, do what they want. Often, this results in my filling the role of an enabler instead of truly nurturing growth in those I care about. I generally keep going on this downward path, becoming more and more passive, until I am using most of my energy to suppress my own values, goals, and feelings. It doesn't take long until I collapse-- exhausted. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Problems with being too Receptive</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am now accepting that when I am merely receptive, I am not being a "good" person who is ever loving and kind. In reality I am being a person who is so afraid of losing relationships that I am dissociating from reality to maintain a false peace. I dampen down all my feelings, including my needs and passively-aggressively just "not show up" at my own life. I'm not really there for others and often allow them to walk over me, which gives me more "justification" for withdrawing from reality. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Good Assertiveness</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am trying to realize that though some behavior can be unrighteously aggressive by trying to force others to submit to your will, expressing who I am, what I like, my goals, and my needs, is not an act of aggression. I've experienced that needs and feelings can only be suppressed for so long, then I go into a couple of days tirade where I recall and berate all the things that person did that hurt me, that were "wrong". </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, since I never told them what I wanted and needed, this is hardly fair. It is a good thing that I just vent and don't really dump all this on these people.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm seeing how essential to my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health it is for me to take the time each day to nurture myself. This time of reflection reminds me of who I really am, an introverted intuitive. I love to create, and connect ideas, but this isn't enough, I also need to express my thoughts, to share them with others. I need to connect my ideas to the world. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Needing Quiet Time to keep my Balance</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I had thought that all my "busy" puttering was connecting me with the "real" world, and my time alone was "withdrawing" from reality. Of course, people can use time alone to flee from the unpleasantries of life, but I only do this when I'm completely exhausted, spending hours blankly staring. The rest of the time, when I'm in a quiet, undisturbed place, I can finally engage my introverted intuition and thinking to evaluate all the input I am receiving from my extroverted feeling and sensing. My introverted abilities enable me to make decisions on how to take action which will not only truly help others to grow, but myself also. Also, when I'm in quiet seclusion is when I can create. It is an exciting time for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Using my introverted intuition and thinking abilities are essential, but I also need to move to be balanced. I need to physically get "out there" in a meaningful way, not just squander my energy doing unnecessary "busy work". I need to share my love, advice, counsel, and ideas. I need to teach, and write. I also need to become more integrated with my body by using it to hike, dance, and exercise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Being Who I Am</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Engaging my introverted intuition and thinking helps me remain in charge of my life. I enables me to be more than a mere passively receptive feeling and sensing person. I need to use my introverted intuition to keep me spiritually connected and create new connections, solve problems, and develop new ideas. My extroverted feeling causes me to value helping people and, with sensing, to give me information about the world around me. I use my introverted thinking to evaluate all this information. When I use my abilities in this way I make better decisions and take action which truly helps others while nurturing myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I really be who I am and not try and hide my "weird" intuitiveness and sensitivity, or suppress my own feelings and needs, I can be truly peaceful. This is how I can feel at peace, by accepting I am enough. I do not need to be like the other types. I do not need to be just the "sweet" servant of others to "buy" their acceptance and love. I have the gifts to be loving, empathic, creative, an exemplar of righteous living, and a faithful guide to peace. The world also needs my Type. It's time to be me!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-9232225613777457622019-09-19T23:36:00.001-07:002020-04-27T11:34:27.769-07:00Introverted and Extroverted Form of Same Personality Functions<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Introverted Intuition Extroverted Intuition</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">creates new ideas asks "what if" questions</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">takes action to create a new future seeks alternatives</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">faith in and assurance of truth insights form new whole </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> new whole leads to new action</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Introverted Feeling Extroverted Feeling</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">strong sense of right and wrong desires closeness and unity</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">values values kindness</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">filters information based on worth responds to all wants of others</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Introverted Thinking Extroverted Thinking</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">wants the exact word organizes and schedules</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">analyzes and classifies controls environment </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">sees all sides of situation concerned with productivity </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">characteristics, essence logical explanations</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">solve problems checks for faulty reasoning</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">builds models</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">desires consistency</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Introverted Sensing Extroverted Sensing</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">collects data acutely aware of sensations</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">compares data to past very aware of surroundings</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">forms goals based on this comparison notices relevant facts</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">protects the known, proven, familiar notices relevant details</span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-74545029148433678362019-02-22T13:00:00.000-08:002019-02-22T16:07:22.299-08:00As an INFJ how can I make the best decision?<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For years I have struggled with decision making. So often I've found myself doing things that I don't want to do and wondering why I'm doing it. After many "wrong for me" decisions, I end up over stressed and totally exhausted. Dazed, I just sit there wondering what happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) person, I live by my principles and values. They form the core of my being. One thing I value is having unity between people. I seem to get in trouble when I make decisions based only on trying to keep harmony between people. This is a great goal, but for an idealist who wants to improve the world, it doesn't work. Improving requires change. Living by principles often leaves me standing alone. Sometimes I am seen as "not a team player" and, sometimes, as being impractical. People tell me that I have to accept things as they are and just "live in the moment", but how can I settle merely for the status quo when I have the ability to foresee possibilities? I simply can't. It would mean giving up what energizes me. It would mean giving up my purpose in life. I truly desire to gently help each person become their best; to develop their talents and to have the greatest happiness possible. I believe in people's potential.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Yes, I want everyone to be united together in choosing the good, but if they are settling for less, then keeping harmony would require surrendering my ideals. This obviously is not a decision that my second strongest ability, Fe (Extroverted Feeling), can handle. It is my nature to light the way to the best, not to hide amid a homogeneous crowd. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My problem seems to be that I've so loved soaring in the world of my mind (using my introverted intuition Ni) that I've left my Feeling side to deal with all the decisions. Since my Fe desires harmony, I </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">often end up doing things I that really don't want to do and that are in conflict with my principles and other values. Soon, once more, there I am over-extended again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many times I've heard that INFJs can only live happy fulfilling lives if they are "balanced". I am beginning to wonder if this means making decisions with the help of all my abilities. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Though decisions are made through our Feeling or Thinking preferences, that doesn't seem enough. My Feeling ability is directed toward the outside world. Being able to feel others' emotions helps me communicate with others and gives me the desire to help them, but it doesn't help me know my needs and feelings. I need to write or talk to know what is happening inside of me. What do I really want to do? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I need to check in with my Sensing side to determine how I am doing physically and determine the practicality of the decision. Is there anything that has happened in the past that can guide my decision? Do I have the stamina, time, and resources to do it? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Using my Introverted Thinking (Ti) ability helps me check the logic of the decision and determine if it is congruent with my Intuitive principles. It enables me to step back and evaluate my Sensing data and determine the consequences of each option. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As I am becoming "more mature", I am finding that I am relying more on my third ability, Introverted Thinking (Ti), to help me make good decisions. It is giving me the opportunity to access and evaluate the input from both Intuition and Sensing and check the logic of my Feeling reasoning. Of course I will choose a decision which will be the best for all the people involved (Extroverted Feeling Fe), including me, and that will hopefully maintain harmony. More than that, my decision must also consider what I know from my Intuitive and Sensing abilities. Only then can I make a realistic decision that can help reach the human potential that my dominant Intuitive (Ni) side envisions. </span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-32574979057973029982019-02-04T10:55:00.001-08:002019-02-04T18:15:23.939-08:00Balancing my life as an INFJ<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My life as an INFJ (introverted Intuitive Ni; supported by extroverted Feeling Fe) has been a series of "Boom and Bust" cycles. Even as a kid, I would be exhausted by the end of a day at school and would recharge by immersing myself in a good fantasy book for most of the weekend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Why all this stress? Why are INFJs the most stressed of all personality types? One of the main reasons is that we are so different from most people. Not only does this mean that others find it very difficult to understand INFJs, but also we do not easily fit in society since behavioral expectations are set by the most common personality types. This isn't us. Though there is still a lot of debate over whether extroverts out number introverts, most agree that extroverts range from 50% to 74% of the population. But regardless of the percentage, our society in the United States is dominantly extroverted (compare it to an Introvert culture such as Japan). Also, in our culture Sensors are about 75% of the population and Intutitivies are only 25% of our population. Now consider that of the 25% who are</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Intutitivies, less than 6% (INFJs 1% and INFPs 4.4%) use their Intuition in an Introverted way supported by Feeling.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This makes it very difficult for Introverts in general, and especially those who are Intuititive Feelers, to fit very well into an Extroverted Sensing Thinking society. This sort of culture values strong, dynamic, leaders who "successfully" achieve in the "real world" unhindered by emotional or philosophical concerns. Intuitive Feelers (INFJs and INFPs) are quiet, gentle souls who devote their lives to making the world a better place for all of us and our children. We are idealists in a society which devalues idealism, considering it as naive, impractical, and childish. Though people like Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jimmy Carter, and Martin Luther King (all INFJs) are admired for their character and great accomplishments, in general, humanitarian causes receive little support in our society. Lacking the support of</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> having people understand you and value your humanitarian goals, is stressful.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is also very stressful as a strong introvert, to need plenty of quiet alone time to process all the Feeling and Sensing information that my two extroverted functions take in, to design plans to reach my goals to help others, to create insights and express them in writing or another art form, and to recharge. Extrovert societies demand "team players" and view anyone who spends time alone as unsocial, unfriendly, perhaps unbalanced, and certainly "depressed and lonely". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is why I have so many "Boom and Bust" cycles. I am out there in the world busily trying to attend every social, go every place, and trying to help people, when one day I simply --stop. I neglected my need to quietly recharge. I had forgotten that every noise, every moment of multi-tasking busyness, every social exchange drains me as an introvert. I recharge from within, and if I do not have this quiet time, then my battery eventually "goes dead". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Trying to be someone I'm not, a Sensing Extrovert energetically engaged in the world, is something I can't keep up for very long. Like a fish out of water, I won't last long before I become seriously ill. I can't keep putting in a nickel and taking out a quarter from my health reserves before I find myself in an exhausted "bankrupt" heap. Trying to live in an unnatural way for you, is like having to do everything with your other hand. To act as a Sensing Extrovert, I must suppress my Dominant Introverted Intuition and my Introverted Thinking. This takes away both my ability to create and my ability to analyze my ideas. Not only is it awkward and exceptionally stressful, but eventually, I will slowly lose my sense of who I really am, my true identity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Things which help me avoid Sensory and Feeling overload</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Get plenty of quiet, alone time to recharge</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how can I cope with a life of going "Up the Down Staircase"? The main thing I have to do is to recognize my need for quiet time alone so that I can think and create. When I have </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">too many sensing or social distractions, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I become very frustrated and even depressed. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Whether it is an idea, writing an article, planning a lesson, or solving a problem, I can only do it in a calm, quiet environment. Only when I get away from all the noise, clutter, disorganization, and busyness can I have the intense Intuitive focus I need I need to create. This is essential to my well-being, for learning and creating energizes my soul. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Though it is so difficult to say "No" to social requests, I must remember that I am not an Extrovert who is energized by social interaction, nor am I a Sensing person who thrives engaging in the "real world". I am instead an Intuitive being who creates in my mind, feels other people's emotions very deeply, and desires to make a better world. I do not need or want to be "reformed" into a "normal" Extroverted Sensing person. This is who I am, and this is who I want to be. Therefore, I must give myself the quiet nurturing time that I need, or I will not be able to share the gifts God has given me.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">Simplifying and Delegating</b><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is a big help to me when I cut down on sensory input by simplifying my environment and delegating all the routine details possible. Gratefully, my retired strong Sensing husband, an ISTJ, has assumed most of the household responsibilities. This gives gives me more time to spend processing information, creating, sharing, and rejuvenating. Spending most of my time in my Introverted Intuitive mode gives me the energy I need to live a meaningful life of helping others. It also provides me with time to think of solutions to problems and design plans to help others. This need for quiet to create is why INFJ do best in jobs which allow them to have lots of time alone to think, such as, writers, ministers, counselors, college teachers, and owning their own business such as freelancing or being a behavioral coach. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Accepting my Sensing limits</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is hard for me as such an independent person to admit that I have limits and that I need so much time without distractions (all the sounds, sights, and smells of your "real world"). It is also hard for me to admit that all those "simple" Sensing things which most people, even most children, can easily do exhausts me. Even seeing a "To Do" list full of details can can give me a headache and suck all the energy out of me. I've had to quit feeling guilty and accept that as the most rare personality type, I really do have different strengths and weaknesses than most people have. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Every person will become drained if they have to use their fourth function for very long. Most people avoid this stress since they simply avoid using their weakest function. Extroverts rarely let go of their tether to the "real world out there" to i</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ntently focus in their mind as Introverts can to </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">analyze, create, and plan. Sensing people need help to enter </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">the world of possibilities, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"world of imagination",</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> where Intuitives live. In our culture dominated by Extroverted Sensing people, Introversion is rarely required of anyone, and Intuitive products of the mind are easily purchased such as: </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">novels, movies, art, designs, scientific discoveries, plans, patterns, and programs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But as a dominant Intuitive who thrives on pondering the meaning of life, designing complex plans, and on writing about human behavior, it is impossible for me to avoid having to use my weak Sensing ability. Though I live in "the world of imagination", I must make frequent forays into the "real world" which surrounds me. It is humbling to have to ask my husband to help me with the mundane household tasks and admit to others that many "simple" things are simply too exhausting for me to do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Avoiding Emotional Burnout</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Besides simplifying, eliminating, or delegating routine tasks, it also helps me to keep socializing to a minimum. This allow me to have more time to be creative and to process and recover from Extroverting both Feeling and Sensing. It isn't that I don't like people. I love people, but as an Introvert, I enjoy relating deeply, and quietly, with one person at a time. While Extroverts are energized by groups of people and love social events, they quickly drain my energy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being an Introverted Intuitive Feeling person gives me the added ability to be so receptive that I can actually take in and experience others' emotions. When I sense someone's spirit, and then see that their face and other non-verbal communication, don't match, I know that that person is trying to deceive me. This is sometimes stressful to know this. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Since my Feeling is directed out in the world (extroverted), I pick up all the emotions around me, but not my own. To get my emotions out where I can be aware of them, I have to stop and write or talk to a supportive friend about how I am feeling. Writing in a journal is a great way to do this. I prefer to do my journaling through writing poems. This takes time. Often it requires considerable time alone for me to process how I am feeling, but without an awareness of how I am feeling, I cannot make good decisions. I end up just receiving other people's emotions and trying to keep harmony by meeting their wants and needs. This is how I easily end up as just a submissive "doormat", frantically exhausting myself by trying to meet everyone's needs and wants.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are some other challenges in relating so deeply with almost everyone I meet. Empathizing with others requires a lot of energy and tires me very quickly. This is why I prefer the more controlled internet communication, except for with a few very close family and friends with whom I visit. The problem is that if I do a lot of face to face contact and "socializing", I will become so tired that I will need to withdraw from everyone for a very long time to recharge. I don't want to do this. Not only do I become very lonely, but it certainly isn't any way to nurture relationships. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It helps me to keep balanced by having some structure to help me keep connected to other people, such as using Facebook to show interest and concern for what others are doing, and remembering holidays and friend's and family's birthdays. It also helps me to maintain balance if I have time alone to process and let go of all the emotional input I have received from other people before I become overwhelmed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another challenge I have is that being so aware others' feelings and needs, makes it difficult for me to tell them, "No". This is why I can easily over-commit. My life revolves around trying to help people grow, but without time alone to get in touch with my own feelings and needs and set reasonable boundaries, I can quickly "burnout".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Coping with criticism </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does this mean that I live a very lonely life? As an Introvert, I do not have the need for a large quantity of relationships, or to have groups of people surrounding me. I am very content communicating one on one with a few people. INFJs, though, do need to watch our tendency to withdraw to recharge. As an altruistic person who invariably puts others' needs before my own, I can be deeply hurt if people doubt the purity of my motives. I will try to prove to them what my motives are through my actions, but if a person does not trust me, I probably will avoid them since it is too stressful for me to be around them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also INFJs are people who see future possibilities. We deal better with "suggestions for improvement", than with "corrections". I try to encourage others to approach me in this manner by asking for ideas for making my idea better. If they still try and "correct" me, then I rephrase their input in a more positive way, and ask them if this is what they meant. Not only does this help with communication, but it keeps me from feeling that my ideas are being rejected. It also gives me the option to further explain what I mean and refine my ideas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Attempting to explain my complex "whole picture" insights is a difficult thing to do. Many people feel very overwhelmed and confused by the complexity of my ideas. It helps me to be less stressed when I expect this reaction and accept that I must patiently help others understand what I mean. Putting my thoughts in writing is very helpful for it enables me fill in the details and organize my ideas in a logical manner, so that they can be better understood and accepted. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Coping with idealism</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">INFJs also want to withdraw when the possibilities that we know can be achieved are not welcomed and acted on by those around us. It helps me first of all if I take the time alone to use my third ability Ti (Introverted Thinking) to check and make sure that my insights are logical. I also discuss my insights with my husband, a dominant Sensor. I ask him if he sees any problems with my ideas. I have learned to listen and not just defend my precious creation. Often, I find that I haven't explained something clearly enough, or that I need to incorporate more practical information into my design, so that Sensors can understand what I am saying. I am often reminded of the need to make back up plans, so I am prepared when "real life" begins to morph my plans. Allowing a strong and supportive Sensor to give input on my ideas really helps me to refine them, so they can be implemented in the "real world".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Of course, I don't want to go very far into this "real world". I can be realistic as long as it serves my idealistic goals, but I cannot give up my vision of a better future, or give up my values, simply because others lack the faith to grow and change. My decisions are based on this vision and my values which have been honed by my Thinking logic and my Sensing practicality. Though I must remind myself to be open to other options, that generally isn't too difficult for me since my dominant mode, Intuition, is naturally perceptive and open to other perspectives. But after I have thought out and made my decision, I will rarely change. This can sometimes be stressful because I also want harmony, but what is right must come first.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Coping with My Perfectionism</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Often, I have to remind myself that I really am different. I am energized by growth and improvement. Taking the time to go into my mind and think things out, helps me set a realistic pace and smaller interim achievable goals. I need to engage both my Introverted Thinking logic and my Extroverted Sensing awareness to make workable plans. I need time to break down my "whole picture" into pieces that I can handle, so I won't become overwhelmed with trying to be perfect now. When I start becoming overwhelmed by my goals, I change my focus from future possibilities to the past and present noting all that I have already accomplished. Also, I need to frequently remind myself that perfection is a slow process, so I might as well enjoy the experience. After all, I have all eternity to get there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">INFJs don't just direct their desire for growth to themselves; we want to help everyone become the best person they can be. After years of frustration, I finally realized that most people really are happy as they are, and they don't see the need for any change. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Improving is my main goal in life. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have struggled to accept that few people are as driven to improve as I am. Often, I have to remind myself that people grow at their own rate, in their own way, when they are ready. I am not responsible for their lives -- they are. They are the only ones who can change their own lives. (This has been especially tough for me to accept as a mother.) I cannot pressure or preach to them. It has been hard for me to accept that even though I can see such wondrous possibilities, all I can really change is my own life. So now I am happy just trying to set an example, sharing my insights and "learning experiences", praying for them, and cheering them on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">INFJs have an unique challenge because of our uncanny ability to foresee the future and predict the consequences of actions. Sometimes it is so stressful watching someone racing full tilt toward a "brick wall". We try and warn them, but are told that we can't know what is going to happen. Believe me -- INFJs can! So there we are cringing, afraid to watch, and unable to prevent the disaster we know is coming. Talk about major stress!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Coping with rampant worrying</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Living in the "world of imagination" can be fun, but if you begin picturing negative possibilities, then it can be frightening. Children with their active imaginations often envision "scary" things when the lights are turned off. Creative adults can worry about many more things. I can worry about my children, grandchildren, and husband. I can experience each "good-bye" as our last parting. Imaginations need a strong hand to keep them in control. It helps me to make sure I have enough time alone so I can bring in my third ability, Introverted Thinking, and have it check over the logic of my thoughts. It also helps me to turn my mind from "dire disasters" by spending more enjoyable Sensing time in the real world. One of the best remedies is to express gratitude. My whole world changes when I focus on all that I have to be grateful for. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So if I am careful about sharing my insights and plans, in dealing reasonably with my desire to improve and grow, and keep my extroverted Feeling and Sensing Extroversion within my limits, I will remain balanced and not feel the need to totally withdraw from others and the world for long periods of time. Basically, if I don't "Boom" (Extrovert too much), then I won't "Bust" or collapse in exhaustion and withdraw from all human contact. It can take me months to recover from over socializing and from compulsively accomplishing sensing details. When I reach this desperate point of withdrawal, I will at first feel relieved to just get away from everyone and everything, but in time, I will become terribly lonely. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To avoid reaching this point of exhaustion, I must keep in balance. Just having lots of time to use my Intuitive ability is not enough. Not only must I balance it by using my Ti (Introverted Thinking) ability to check the logic of my ideas, but I must share my insights through my Extroverted Feeling function by talking, teaching, counseling, or writing. Actually helping people gives my life meaning.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Using Sensing to keep me balanced</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also, I must allow my Sensing function to help balance my very strong Intuitive ability. I've learned that hard way that doing more details on my computer, or endlessly cleaning my house isn't the way. Those are the sort of activities that I do when I'm really out of balance and nearing a collapse. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If I must do some detailed work, then doing it for only short periods at a time and playing music while I do it can help me keep more relaxed.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Instead, to find balance, I need to use Sensing to relax. Though this is my weakest ability and the one that I trust the least, I need to engage in the "real world" in pleasant ways, so my Intuitive ability can take a break. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Being out in nature brings a special peace and sense of balance to me. Somehow it centers me and is very restful. I also enjoy things such as taking a hot bath, a lovely dinner, a fun movie, a hug, sitting in the sunshine, a walk in the park, a hike in the hills, going for a ride in the country, dancing, listening to beautiful music, admiring art, or savoring a sunset. Small pleasant things all help to bring me back into contact with the world around me. I have even decided to take up a Sensing hobby -- Watercoloring. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Finding Balance</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how do I find balance? By accepting who I am -- a dominant Intuitive. From my extroverted functions, Feeling and Sensing, I gather information as I listen, observe, and experience. In quiet I use my Introverted Intuition in my mind to process this information and to see their possibilities, patterns, relationships, solutions, and meanings. Afterwards, my Introverted Thinking checks the logic of my ideas, while my Feeling focuses me on human values and lets me know how I am feeling, and my Sensing helps me be aware of limits in both myself and in the "real world". Only then, am I ready to use my Extraverted Feeling to share my Intuitive ideas with the world through relating and writing. This is my balance. </span>
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Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-92215871759110051832019-01-18T12:15:00.000-08:002019-02-04T11:08:36.689-08:00Understanding My INFJ Stress <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm coming to understand why it is said that INFJ's (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) have a higher level of stress than any other personality type. Also, I'm realizing that a balanced use of my functions, my abilities, is absolutely crucial for me to be able to avoid major stress and live a happier life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Like everyone else, I function best and utilize my talents best when I use my dominant, or greatest strength, to lead my life. It is the core of my self identity. For me, my dominant strength is Introverted Intuition. This means that my greatest strength is used in my mind flying to great heights in the "World of Imagination". This is a major challenge when you must spend so much of your time down on earth in the "Real World". There are only two personality types which prefer to use intuition in their minds as their dominant function: INFJ and INTJ (the second most stressed type). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Instead of using Extroverted Thinking with my Intuition like the INTJs do, I enjoy using my Introverted Intuition with Extroverted Feeling. Through listening and observing, my Feeling ability supplies my Intuition with input on the moods and emotions around me. Feeling also focus my Intuition on helping people reach their potential. My Intuitive ability enables me to form connections and insights, see patterns, essences, meanings, truths, principles, possibilities, and motives. With the emotional input, focus, and values that my Feeling function provides me, I am able help others by solving problems, and planning how to reach people related goals. Feeling gives my Intuition a voice, generally in writing, so that I can share my Intuitive insights, and create relationships and harmony. It also makes me a great listener. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I use Introverted Thinking (Ti) in my mind to check the logic, accuracy, and practicality of my Intuitive generated patterns, and insights. This enables me to not only set goals, but create a logical plan to reach those goals. My unusually strong (for a third strength) Introverted Thinking ability also balances my Extroverted Feeling. With the help of my Thinking function, I am able to stick to my principles and plans even when they disturb the harmony within the group. My Thinking ability also allows me to maintain an objective distance from others, and it helps me set appropriate boundaries with others, so that I can preserve my own Introverted Intuitive identity and strong sense of independence which places principles and goals for human improvement before mere harmony. W</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hen I do simple logical things, such as putting puzzles together, to allows me to use m</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">y Introverted Thinking function in a non-stressful way to give me a break from using my Introverted Intuition. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My Extroverted Sensing ability balances my Introverted Intuition and connects me to the real world. It enables me to implement my plans and achieve my goals. Extroverted Sensing supplies my Introverted Intuition with the sensory data it needs to process life into meaningful patterns. My Extroverted Sensing function also allows me to be aware of my environment, to exercise, and to enjoy life's pleasures such as a good meal, a sunset, beauty, and nature. This positive relationship with the world around me calms my soul. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is the ideal pattern where all my abilities work together to help me reach my goals, with Introverted Intuition leading, Extroverted Feeling second, Introverted Thinking third, and Extroverted Sensing as my weakest ability. But now let's put in real life. What happens when the basement floods and I'm left to spend the entire day cleaning up the mess? How do I hold up to four children (mine) demanding my constant attention? What do I do when faced with days filled with endless tasks to be done and errands to run? One word explains it-- Stress!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Why am I so stressed? One basic problem is that both my Intuition and Thinking are Introverted which means that I can only access them when I am not distracted by Sensing input.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Too much sensory stimulation blocks my Introverted Intuition's ability to understand, form patterns, or plan. I</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">f I am in a noisy, smelly (even perfumed), busy environment,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> my Introverted Intuition cannot process my Extroverted Feeling and Sensing input, and my Introverted Thinking cannot logically analyze my input and plans. Worst of all, I am unable to use my Introverted Intuition to generate insights and plans, solve problems, and see meaning and patterns. Tis is why INFJ's need more time alone than any other type. That's right. I must get away from the world; be in peace and quiet, or I am unable to use my dominant Introverted Intuition, or any other function to support it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Consequently, since we do live in the busy, noisy "real world", it is quite easy for me to over-do using my Extroverted functions of Feeling and Sensing. When I am unable to have the quiet time alone that I need to access my Intuition to process my Feeling input, I just keep going, Extroverting Feeling and becoming more and more sensitive to others' emotions. Finally, I reach the point where I am unable to separate their feelings from my own; a point where I no longer have any emotional boundaries . As I empathetically experience their feelings as well as my own, I become drained. Not only that, but I feel responsible for everyone's feelings. If they are not happy, it is MY fault. Without my Introverted Intuition to give meaning, set goals, and anchor my identity and without my Introverted Thinking to evaluate my conclusions and plans, I simply keep using my Extroverted Feeling, trying to form harmonious relationships with others. In short, I become an easily manipulated puppet existing only to meet everyone else's needs -- except my own.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Why don't I meet my own needs? My Extroverted Feeling function is directed toward the outside world. This makes me very empathic and, with my Introverted Intuition, very altruistic. This is why I can easily pick up others' emotions, but I can only become aware of my own needs by the indirect process of writing my thoughts and feelings in my journal, or by talking to a trusted friend. This process puts my thoughts and feelings out into the "real world", then sends them back to me, so that my Introverted Intuition can process them. This is the only way that I can consciously deal with my own feelings, set boundaries, and refine my insights. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've found that when I hit "puppet mode" where I am just trying to please others, my life really goes down hill fast. Why? One reason is that people often want me to endlessly listen to them and even push me, an idealist, to condone their negative behaviors. They, also, frequently want me to go places with them. As a person who recharges from within, this drains me. Most people are convinced that social interaction is the way to happiness, and, as loving people, they do not want to leave me home in "lonely misery". So, exhausted and lured by claims of promised "fun", I find myself miserably "on the go". With my Introvert need to recharge and my Intuitive need to make sense of the world and to creatively work toward my longterm goals, being neglected, I am soon physically ill due to excessive stress. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> Another thing that tires me is that people frequently want me to do "simple" routine tasks for them. Now, besides way over doing on socializing (Extroverted Feeling), I'm also excessively doing things in the outside world (Extroverted Sensing). My balance is shattered. I no longer have any quiet time available to access my dominant Introverted Intuition, or my third supportive Thinking abilities. I am now completely in the "Grip" of excessive (for me) Extroverted Sensing. No longer myself, I obsessively clean, organize, and do detailed tasks on my computer. I spend my time nit picking and chasing dust bunnies. My days rush pass, mindlessly in a fog, until I finally "burnout" from stress and find myself confined to bed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, when I can no longer jump when others call and am unable to do any Sensing work, I begin to return to my natural balance. My suppressed Introverted Intuition and Thinking at last have the quiet time to process what has been happening to me and regain control of my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have to concede that, though there are some people who take advantage of my weakness when I become over-stressed, most do not. Without time to be by myself and use my Intuition and Thinking, I am unaware of my needs and am, therefore, unable to set boundaries and say, "No". My lack of balance creates my stress. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At this point, if I cut socializing, Sensing responsibilities, and outside stimuli and just retreat into a quiet place where I can think (access both my Introverted Intuition and Thinking), I can start to regain control of my life again. If I journal (I like to put my feelings into poetic form), I can get in touch with my own feelings again. It can sometimes help to vent or talk with a close friend, so I can hear my thoughts and feelings and my Intuition can make sense of them. I usually talk with my husband, an ISTJ (Introverted Intuitive Sensing Thinking Judging person). Though he is neither Intuitive or Feeling, he loves me deeply and wants me to be happy. He is often able to help me see things from a different perspective and see options which I hadn't considered. Thankfully, he doesn't try to tell me what to do. That is the last thing I need at this time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Other things that can help me relax are to read or watch a funny video. I enjoy children's literature, because their humor makes me laugh. I also find the beauty of nature, music, art, and classic musicals relaxing. These things help me experience my Extroverted Sensing in a pleasurable, instead of a stressful way. Another thing that really helps me regain a positive perspective is when people recognize and express appreciation for the Intuitive things I plan, or create. Also, doing simple puzzles or games can help me relax, because it engages my Introverted Thinking in non-stressful ways.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I really need all these positive experiences when I get out of balance, for when I stay out in the world and just use my Extroverted Feeling and Sensing to deal with life, I begin to lose my identity. Without the quiet time alone to access my Introverted Intuitive ability, my self, my dominant, preferred way of living, I have no sense of "Me". If I cannot enter that world in my mind, I also lose my use of my Introverted Thinking, my ability to logically analyze, and I become merely a lost "Dreamer". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Without my strong dominant Intuition, supported and balanced by my Extroverted Feeling, Introverted Thinking, and Extroverted Sensing, enabling me to have a healthy self concept, I enter the "Shadow Side" of my personality. Here I desperately attempt to use my mainly unconscious lesser functions. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I can use my fifth function, Extroverted Intuition, a little to help me be more open to new ideas and in brainstorming, but if I attempt to use it for very long, it will suppress my Introverted Intuition. Without my Introverted Intuition, I wander aimlessly, losing the intense focus that my Introverted Intuition gives me, or even worse, I will begin to doubt my previously trusted conclusions. Another stressor is having my long range plans, generated by my Introverted Intuition, changed. This causes me great frustration. Also, I will quickly unravel if I am frequently interrupted, because interruptions also keep me from being able to use my Introverted Intuition.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My sixth function, Introverted Feeling, is called the "Critical Parent". It is when I only see my mistakes and weakness. This negative "voice" can also be turned toward other people, criticizing them unmercifully. If I have been using my Extroverted Feeling so much that I have suppressed my Introverted Intuition and Thinking, I will lose my normal balance and fall into the "Shadow" of my poorly developed Introverted Feeling. Also, criticism, lack of appreciation, being around negative people or in negative relationships, and lack of harmony can all severely stress me and cause me to lose my healthy balance, my identity, and enter this unconscious "Shadow" realm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My seventh function, Extroverted Thinking, is called "The Trickster" because it causes me to see other people through a negative lens. I also become fearful that others are trying to control me. When I reach this point, I have suppressed my strong Introverted Thinking and am trying to handle life without my normal logical analysis. I can become unreasonable, impractical, and express my lack of balance in impulsive behavior and angry outbursts. Definitely not my normal way!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Finally, when I am at the point of collapse, my eighth and very weakest function, Introverted Sensing, appears. This "Shadow" function is called my "Demon" for good reason. It is a point of hopelessness where I only see the negative. All memories, all people (including myself), are seen negatively, like through the dark distorted lens in the story, "The Snow Queen". When I fall into this hole, I will not try to save myself, intent, instead, on wallowing in pity. Only with God's help and through my husband's encouragement to use my Introverted Thinking again to see through the dark lies the "Demon" is sending me, can I free myself from this "Shadow". Slowly, I begin to turn to the light and see reality again. Only as I begin to look for the good things in my life, and to express gratitude for what I have, can I return to the light, to healthy functioning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I am in situations where I spend too much time using my Extroverted Sensing function, too much time focusing in the moment, I will become extremely stressed. I quickly get a smashing headache, cramped muscles, especially in my shoulders and jaw, dizzy, nauseous, shaky, IBS, talk slowly, and become exhausted. Even worse than this; I can't think. Once I stood in front of the dishwasher crying because I couldn't handle putting away the dishes! I have trouble making decisions, fall apart easily, can't remember even names of common things, and struggle to say a coherent sentence, am anxious and depressed. I can become incapacitated for the rest of the day if I have to act on lots of details such as finding my way through a strange city or computer program, or doing an excessive amount of computer details (for me balancing finances, family history research, or recording data), or doing endless routine housework. Sometimes, it can take me weeks or even many months to recover when I reach this point.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Tired of going through this depressing cycle of unbalanced Extroverted Feeling and Sensing living, I am determined to ensure that each day I have the quiet time I need to use my Introverted Intuition and Thinking abilities. Only then, can I live a balanced life where I can happily meet both my needs and others' needs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A good ebook I highly recommend is <i>T<a href="https://psychology-junkie.lpages.co/the-infj/">he INFJ: Understanding the Mystic</a></i> by Susan Storm an INFJ.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">See also: <a href="https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/">Psychology Junkie</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-27315560972062718982018-11-24T13:27:00.000-08:002018-11-24T16:22:20.222-08:00Managing the Holidays as an Introvert<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does the hustle and bustle of the holidays make you cringe as you anticipate it? Does a full engagement calendar make you feel like running for the hills? Does the thought of Christmas shopping turn you into a Grinch? Chances are you are an introvert like me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I really care for my family and friends so much, and I love being with them, but not all at once! During the three weeks before Christmas, I am expected to be more social than I am for the rest of the year combined. Every couple of days there is something "special" to go to. I confess that I really would enjoy each event -- if they were spread throughout the year!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how does a person who likes quiet, deep, one-on-one conversations and relaxing evenings at home manage the holidays? Since I still haven't recovered from Thanksgiving which was two days ago, I'm really asking myself this question. Beside being an introvert, I am an intuitive (INFJ introverted intuitive feeling judging) which means that I melt down when confronted with long Christmas "to do" lists. As a woman who is a feeling person, I care about others needs, and as a judging person I have a sense of responsibility to do what is expected of me at Christmas time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It is not surprising that I collapse each year after Christmas, but this year is going to be different! Why? I am going to give up trying to act like an extrovert for a month. I simply can't do it. I don't enjoy it, and I don't want to do it. Wow! It felt good to say that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So, as an introvert, what is my vision of a wonderful Christmas? I know it is not the high activity, high social, high excitement experience which energizes extroverts. That makes me tired even saying it. I dream of a Christmas where I can sit and read the Christmas story from the Bible; where I have the stillness to remember what we are celebrating -- the birth of our Savior. I want to keep in my heart the simplicity of that first Christmas.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I dream of snuggling in a comfy chair in my own home with a cup of cocoa while I gaze at the twinkling Christmas lights, and the beauty of Christmas music envelops me. Throw in a few knocks on my door from good friends and short chats, seeing neighborhood Christmas lights, doing a Nativity pageant with my little granddaughter, watching some classic Christmas movies and videos of the Nativity, and a few small gifts exchanged with close family, and it sounds about perfect to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So what am I going to do to have the simple, quiet Christmas that, as an introvert, I enjoy?</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Choose no more than one event that I enjoy to do per week</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Choose low social events that I enjoy such as driving around and seeing lights</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Relate with just a few people that I am close to</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Use technology to email a Christmas Letter or card to family</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Post a Christmas greeting on Facebook for friends</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Give gift cards instead of shopping and wrapping presents</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Put up only a few decorations that I really enjoy</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Make decorating a Christmas Grandma/Grandchild event</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To make tree decorating easy, I left my artificial tree up from last year in my garage (it is metal) with the lights on it, so all we need to do is add the ornaments</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Leave Christmas events as soon as I begin to get tired</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not doing any baking or special cooking (this may be what you enjoy, but I don't, and besides, there are those in our family who love to cook and my husband can buy at the bakery with the best of them)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I decided on a few presents that I could easily make on a computer for my grandchildren</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I ordered a couple of things for one present a few months ago and now I just have a few things to wrap</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am going to continue to write and share my favorite Christmas stories and videos on Facebook</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am not going to travel anywhere</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am going to rest when I am tired</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am going to make quiet time to recover after I go to an event</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am going to be the quiet person I really am as I enjoy what Christmas is really about-- for me.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">May you discover what makes a special Christmas for you and do it this year. Wishing you the quiet joy of an introvert Christmas!</span></div>
Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-75552730513894106942018-11-23T11:55:00.000-08:002018-11-23T11:55:26.772-08:00Introverts at a Holiday Dinner <span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There we were sitting at the table: five introverts with three extroverts. The two dynamic extroverts each positioned themselves at opposite ends of the table with the introverts and the older, quieter extrovert seated between them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What happened? Everyone ate, enjoyed being together as a family, and the introverts listened as the extroverts carried on their piercingly loud conversation with each other from opposite ends of a long table. Supposedly, they were trying in include all of us in their conversation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Were the introverts quiet because they just enjoyed listening and had nothing to say? As one of those quiet introverts, my answer is, "No". I would have liked to ask a few questions and talk with people that I haven't seen in nearly a year. Why didn't I? I tried to slip in a few words. I even tried to interrupt, but my words were drowned out by the extroverts' jubilant chatter. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Were the extroverts trying to be rude? No. They were merely enjoying being together with another person like themselves. They were happy and quite entertaining. They also assumed that if anyone else had something to say, they would simply "jump in" and say it. Since no one said anything (that they noticed), they concluded that no one else had anything to say, therefore they gladly shouldered all responsibility for the conversation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What the extroverts (two ESFP's extroverted sensing feeling perceptive) did not realize was that introverts have an entirely different communication style. First of all, it is fairly quiet. We talk one-on-one, quietly with the people who are near us. We do not raise our voices and shout to be heard at the other end of the table. We do not talk over other people's heads. We ask questions, then wait for the other's reply. Yes, we may tell a story, but then we allow others a turn to say something. I know that to extroverts this lacks the emotional energy and excitement of their high pitched bantering, but to introverts it is our natural way to communicate. We like quiet, one-on-one, deep conversations. We are not "repressed", or "unhappy". We have a good time and have plenty of things to say, but in our own way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how did the dinner end? The two ISTJ's went off and talked shop for a while, then fell asleep in their chairs. The two INTJ's napped: one in her bed and on the other on the sofa. The INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging -- me) tried to be polite and "hang in there" while her head was spinning and her ears ringing, but left for home at the first opportunity. But, what about the extroverts? I left them reclining before a big screen TV, happily chatting away as they "experienced" a high action movie. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Were the introverts defective socially? Were they "withdrawn" and "unloving"? Were the extroverts "more loving" and "outgoing"? It is true that introverts have a quiet, individual approach to communication, while extroverts like to socially engage with a group of people who are, preferably, other extroverts who relate in the same enthusiastic way that they enjoy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Is one style of communication better than the other? I guess it depends on who you are. As an introvert, I prefer to communicate one-on-one which does not fit very well in group holiday social gatherings. Let's face it, holiday dinners and other socials are given by the extroverts. This is their turf. This is where they shine. They are the people you would ask to give an exciting party. They are the hosts who make sure everyone feels comfortable and welcome. They are the entertainers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Where do we introverts shine? (We do shine, softly, in our own way.) </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are not socially inept extroverts, but people who </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">deal best with situations which require the ability to relate with one person at a time. T</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hink of who you would turn to if you needed help. Wouldn't you choose the quiet introverted counselor to share your emotional problems with, because you know they will listen to you? Wouldn't you turn to the quiet surgeon, tech, or accountant, if you needed other help? We introverts have the gift to be able to focus on one person, or problem, for a long period of time until we work it out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This doesn't mean that introverts can't enjoy being around a group of people they know and love. It also doesn't mean that introverts can't enjoy the charming, though loud, conversations of the extroverts, or that the extroverts can't enjoy having more people around them, even if they don't talk much (we introverts). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It just means that while extroverts become more and more energized by the social, introverts will become more and more drained and will need time, in solitude, to recharge. That's me today. It is the day after our big holiday dinner, and I'm still tired. Do I wish I hadn't gone? No, but I'm glad I didn't stay any longer. </span><br />
<br />Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-11993158523479938792018-11-08T16:20:00.000-08:002018-11-09T08:11:39.351-08:00Are you in the right job for your personality type?<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Many people drag home each evening exhausted from a day at work. Why? Of course there some jobs which are inherently stressful such as police, fire, and emergency rescue work. Also, there are jobs with stressful work environments such as working with strong chemicals, or offices with poor ventilation. Unfortunately, there are also unreasonable bosses and negative co-workers, but, I believe, that the major source of job stress is personality type misfit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There seems to be the right person for most any job and many wrong fits. Envision the classic "absent minded professor" (an INFJ) in a job where he is required to fill out many forms and submit them on time. Talk about a set up for failure! Not only that, what a waste of his abilities. Now envision that same job with an ISTJ. He strides in, briefcase in hand, ready to tackle, and master, the mountain of paper work in front of him. At the end of the day he leaves for his home energized by a job well done.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>First - Learn Your Personality Type</b></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So how do you find that job which is a perfect fit for you? </span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most employment centers now offer job testing which is actually the Briggs-Myers Type Indicator or based on their work. You can take the official Myers Briggs Test here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.mbtionline.com/?utm_source=MBF&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=online">Take the Briggs- Myers Type Indicator online</a> or</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.mbtionline.com/?utm_source=MBF&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=online">Take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator with Personal Feedback</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Second - Ask Yourself Questions</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You can also get a general idea of what job is good for you by asking yourself these basic questions about what you like and what stresses you:</span><br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you enjoy working with groups of people (E extrovert), or prefer working quietly by yourself (I introvert)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you feel more comfortable when rules and expectations are spelled out clearly (SJ sensing judging), or do you prefer to "wing it" and respond to the situation at the moment (SP sensing perceiving)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you more at home in the "real world" (S sensing), or in the "world of imagination" (N intuitive)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you traumatized by the news (NF intuitive feeling), or are you eager to get in there and help (SJ or SP sensing judging or perceiving)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you need to work with people (F feeling), or do you thrive working with things or data (T thinking)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you eager to complete the project before the deadline (J judging especially SJ), or do you see a deadline as a wake up call to get moving (P perceptive especially SP)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you energized by the "new" (N intuitive), or long for the "tried and true" (S sensing)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you more concerned with doing meaningful work (NF Intuitive Feeling), or with achievement (ST sensing thinking)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you like all the facts "up front" (S sensing especially SJ), or do you like to discover things yourself (N intuitive)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you become stressed when you have to make decisions quickly (I introvert), or are you eager to act (E extrovert)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you like your options left open (P perceptive), or do you like to have everything decided (J judging)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you energized by a party (E extrovert), or drained (I introvert)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you prefer to think things out before taking action (I introvert especially ISJ), or get going and trust that all will work out?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you more comfortable making decisions based on logic (T thinking), or on values (F feeling)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Can you work alone for long periods of time (I introvert), or like input from others frequently (E extrovert)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you prefer to read fantasy stories (NF intuitive feeling), or historical non-fiction (SJ sensing judging), or watch "action" shows (SP sensing perceptive)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you value harmony (F feeling), or production (T thinking) more?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Can you work with data for long periods of time (ST especially ISTJ), or do you prefer to write (NF intuitive feeling)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you good at problem solving (N intuitive and P perceptive), or do you function best with a pattern or instructions (S sensing and J judging)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you like to have the freedom to be creative (N especially NF, and P especially SP), or do you feel uncomfortable without a schedule (SJ sensing judging)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you like schedules (SJ sensing judging), or forget to ever look at your watch (P perceptive and I intuitive)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you energized when you can work personally with customer (EF extrovert feeling), or would you prefer to restock things in the warehouse (S sensing)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you find performing repetitive work relaxing (S sensing), or do you become frustrated by routine details (N intuitive)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Do you prefer to work with your mind (IN introvert intuitive), or engage with the world of things (EST extrovert sensing thinking) and people (ESF extrovert sensing feeling)?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are you more interested in the product (S sensing especially SJ judging), or with harmonious relationships at work (F feeling)?</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Third - Make a list of the qualities that a job requires such as:</b></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Working alone, or working with people</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mental detailed work, or working with your hands</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Helping people, or producing a product</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Structured, or flexible</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Pressured, or relaxed atmosphere</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Desk work, or outdoor work</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Working personally with people, or working with things</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Working with data, or working with objects</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Safe, or risk taking</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Work closely with co-workers, or work on your own</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ability to solve problems, or ability to follow through on details</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Creativity, or exactness</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Fourth - Compare the list of what you are good at, what you enjoy, and what stresses you to the qualities that a job requires. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>If they match, then it will be likely that you will be successful at this job and enjoy this work. </b></span></div>
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Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-12428019496555972852018-06-02T10:25:00.005-07:002018-06-02T10:27:40.813-07:00Victim Mentality<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People who think of themselves as a victim lack self esteem. They don't have confidence that they are capable to deal with life. They live a fearfully believing that "the world is against them" and that "everyone is out to get them". They see themselves as powerless, and so they passively surrender control over their life to others. They slouch, complain, and blame their way through life completely smothered in self-pity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Why would anyone do this? Everything we keep doing, we do for the rewards. Though being a victim may not sound very rewarding, it is very effective at protecting weak self esteem. Think about it. You don't have to take responsibility for anything - just blame it on someone else. No one is going to expect you to do something you might not be able to do. You don't need to fear failure, uncertainty, or rejection. You can remain safe and snug in your comfort zone. There is no risk, so you'll avoid a lot of pain. Of course you won't grow or develop the skills and confidence to deal with life or have any joy, but you are secure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Also, being a pitiful martyr gets you attention. You keep others engaged in caring for helpless little you. This gives you some sense of control over your life even though it is only through the manipulation or others so they will give you what you want or need. Being a martyr also insures that you will not be left alone, which is a terrifying thought for someone who doesn't feel that they can care for themselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another reward of being a victim, is that you don't have to take responsibility for anything, not even your own emotions which you keep repressed. You can remain a "perfect" being who never makes mistakes, or becomes angry. Therefore you can completely avoid any guilt or shame for your actions. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This fake sense of "perfection" enables the victim to feel justified in manipulating other people. They feel they "deserve" to be given what they want even though they have not expended the effort to obtain it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">People do not just suddenly decide one day to become a victim. Usually, they are taught to cope with life in this passive-aggressive manner by fearful parents who have learned this coping approach from their fearful parents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Through their learned helplessness, each generation tries to survive in what they perceive as a "hostile world". More often victims are fearful women, who afraid of rejection, raise daughters to meet their every unspoken need. Since victims fear that they cannot function without their enabler, they will do all they can to keep this person with them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In their desperate efforts to shore up their weak self esteem, avoid loneliness, and see that their other needs are met, victims can be very manipulating. B</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ecause they lack the confidence to function as an adult, t</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">hey will resist all efforts and suggestions on how they can take responsibility for their lives and solve their own problems.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">They attempt to provide some security to their life by controlling the people they need to meet their needs. They do not want their child (especially their submissively trained daughter), or husband to ever leave them. They do not feel confident that they can handle life without them, so they try to weld chains of shame and guilt. Victims are masters of playing the martyr, making unneeded sacrifices while ignoring their own needs . </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Since victims have never developed the skills and confidence</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> to deal with life, m</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ost of all they fear that their enabler will leave them. Therefore,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> they do all they can to undermine that person's self esteem. They keep the enabler believing that only they could want or love them. The victim discourages any efforts of their enabler to grow and develop skills which might make them independent. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Out of fear of losing their enabler, the victim may try to keep that person from forming relationships with other people, or even leaving their side. Another way that victims </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">control their enablers is by managing all possible resources. They bestow rewards for meeting the victim's needs and punish their enablers when they do not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Above all, victims are people driven by fear. The are afraid of a world they don't feel competent to handle. Inside they remain a child, who craves someone to take care of them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">see my companion article <a href="https://perspectivesonpersonality.blogspot.com/2018/06/how-do-i-stop-being-victim.html">How Do I Stop Being a Victim</a></span><br />
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<br />Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-36776154533976084252018-06-02T10:24:00.000-07:002018-06-02T11:53:58.618-07:00How Do I Stop Being a Victim?<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It has helped me to understand that the "Victim" way of looking at life isn't reality. It is just a coping method, and it has to be taught. Anything that has been learned can be replaced by new learning. I tell myself that I can learn a new pattern for coping with life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Think back. Who taught you that life was frightening; something to hide from; something that you had no control over? Who taught you that you were weak and helpless?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now think about these people in your life. Look at them closely. Can you begin to see them for what they are - weak people who are trying to cope with life the best they know how. Try to feel some sympathy, some empathy for them. This should not be hard since you have been trained to also feel their frightening fear of life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Forgive them and let it go. Now that you have become aware of what happened to you, you are beginning to gain control of your life. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could considering you only had the victim coping pattern to help you deal with life. Don't let the past sabotage your efforts to move forward into the future; into a fulfilling life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This does not mean that you continue to allow "victims" to use you. Using you as an enabler allows them to continue to disown responsibility for their own lives. If you allow them to meet their needs though manipulating you into giving them what they want, you will be keeping not only them, but yourself from developing the confidence you need to handle life. Keep this firmly in mind when you are being pressured by guilt to come back, to prove your love, to do what you "should", to do your "duty". Though it is flattering to feel needed, being an enabler cripples both of you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Now, you need to ditch the lies you have been taught. Are you really totally helpless? Is there really nothing you can do make the life you want? Have "the fates" really doomed you to suffer failure? Is everyone really mean and evil? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These are the things victims must keep telling themselves, so they can avoid the risk and pain of growth. Victims hide behind self pity and play the martyr as they try to make someone else responsible for their lives. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When you start seeing the real situation, you can begin taking responsibility for your own life. You can begin taking positive action. You can set goals, gain training, make contacts, build relationships, develop talents, and serve others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Fill your life with uplifting thoughts, media, and people, and appreciate all you do have. Have faith in the <a href="http://meditationsofamormonmom.blogspot.com/search/label/Purpose%20of%20life">purpose of life</a> and know that you do have the <a href="http://meditationsofamormonmom.blogspot.com/search/label/Atonement">capacity to change</a>. Remember that none of us are perfect, and you don't have to be perfect to be loved. All you need to do is love others and just keep growing in the right direction. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As you do positive things, you will begin to see who you really are. You will begin to recognize and develop your own strengths and talents. As you do, you will begin to realize that you have much you can give to help others, and you will begin to see yourself as a capable person instead of a mere victim. Slowly your confidence will build until you realize that you are not a victim, but are indeed quite able to face life. </span><br />
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see my companion post <a href="https://perspectivesonpersonality.blogspot.com/2018/06/victim-mentality.html">Victim Mentality </a><br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003P9XDAC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;">What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger</em>, Maxine Schnall </a>compares the two mentalities this way:</div>
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A victim asks how long it will take to feel good — a survivor decides to feel good even if things are not so great.</div>
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A victim grinds to a halt — a survivor keeps putting one foot in front of the other.</div>
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A victim wallows in self-pity — a survivor comforts others.</div>
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A victim is jealous of someone else’s success — a survivor is inspired by it.</div>
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A victim focuses on the pain of loss — a survivor cherishes remembered joy.</div>
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A victim seeks retribution — a survivor seeks redemption.</div>
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And most of all, a victim argues with life — a survivor embraces it.</div>
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<a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/cylon-george/10-ways-to-stop-feeling-l_b_8193216.html">https://www.huffingtonpost.com/cylon-george/10-ways-to-stop-feeling-l_b_8193216.html</a></div>
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Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-70034271757422437112018-05-25T17:10:00.000-07:002018-06-02T10:29:42.384-07:00The Intuitive Empath An Empath is a person who feels and understands the thoughts, emotions, and energy of others. Intuitive Empaths are often:<br />
Claircognizant or clear knowing<br />
Clairsentience- clear feeling; picks up others emotions; feel of a place, people or animals; may have some feeling of how others are doing even at distances<br />
Clairvoyance - sees images in mind; daydreams, uses metaphors, "I see" concepts in mind<br />
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Here are some descriptive comments about <b>Intuitive Empaths</b>:<br />
are a <b>constant thinker, and learner</b><br />
<b>ability to combine feeling and intuition</b><br />
somehow <b>knows what needs to be done</b><br />
see a <b>purpose and pattern to life</b> instead of just a string of "coincidences".<br />
are <b>receptive to input from outside of themselves</b>: receptive to spirit, to revelation, insights, ideas, sudden new thoughts; see images in mind; daydream<br />
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have a keen sense of knowing what they <b>feel from the spirit</b><br />
highly developed <b>spiritual, mental, emotional, and energetic sensitivities</b><br />
have subtle gift of <b>power</b> which they transmit through their <b>writing</b><br />
are able to put their <b>visions into words; </b>to provide inspiration, therapeutic help for others; often uses metaphors to express ideas;<br />
writing allows others <b>emotions to dissipate</b> and maintain emotional perspective and own identity<br />
are extremely <b>analytical;</b> weighs pros and cons; can plan steps to reach change<br />
good at <b>understanding and interpreting</b> intuitive input<br />
are good at <b>creative problem solving </b>concerning people; goal oriented<br />
is a <b>conscious creator</b> especially of ideas<br />
able to <b>absorb others feeling</b> so they can understand these feelings and know how to help that person, to provide inspiration, and to give therapeutic help<br />
good at understanding <b>abstract concepts; </b>can easily access situation<br />
good at r<b>eading body language</b><br />
have ability to <b>discern if people are telling the truth</b>, or if a situation is safe<br />
able to judge what is <b>good and bad</b><br />
often have feelings on <b>how things are going to turn out</b><br />
usually right in their <b>predictions and judgements</b><br />
<b>sensitive to the energy</b> around them; whether positive or negative<br />
become <b>overwhelmed in crowds</b> (sensory overload) due to too much input of emotions and energy<br />
<b>ideal counselor</b>: connects soul to soul; attracts others; gives support to others; good listener, puts others first, enjoys helping people, compassionate, <b>understanding</b>, makes deep connections and avoids disagreements, warm, harmonizes, devises individual pattern for each person<br />
gifted at <b>helping others understand </b>their own feelings, why they are feeling what they are, their thoughts, worries, emotions, and dreams<br />
can <b>put into words </b>what others cannot say<br />
able to <b>combine feeling and intuition </b>to predict behavior<br />
is able to <b>differentiate his own feelings </b>from the feeling of others<br />
more <b>in tune with their own inner</b> self than other empaths<br />
often <b>introverted</b><br />
<b>better control over how others can affect them </b>than other empaths because of ability to analyze and verbalize emotional input<br />
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<br />Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3536715289818986028.post-83094654590738806272018-04-21T10:11:00.000-07:002018-06-02T10:35:10.600-07:00INFJ from the perspective of the StrengthsFinder<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">mine; priorities in my life</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">form new ideas</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">need study many subjects</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">need time to think</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">partner with an analyzer for balance; apply ideas is real world; practical</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">need to change environment often</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Strategy (INJ)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">chart course</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">see consequences</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">plan to avoid problems</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">trust intuition</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">need time to think out ideas</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">good at counseling </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">enjoy and energized by learning</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">likes to take courses</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">Connectiveness (NF)</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">see big picture</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">see how all relates</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">intuitive</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">enjoys and good at helping people understand each other and work together well</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">mentor</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">deep friendships</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">relate informally</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">strengthened by close friends</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #351c75; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre;">builds trusting relationships</span></div>
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Cheryl Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12927870036749660372noreply@blogger.com0