There I was, a miserable mess. I kept crying. I felt there was no purpose to my life. I didn't want to live. There was nothing for me to do. Life was just endless details. My husband was always grouchy. I felt that no one loved me. The world had rejected me and my abilities. I wanted to just cease to exist.
Yes, I had reached my low, "I'll go out and eat worms", point in life. How did I get there? How have I gotten out? That's what I have been asking myself, because I sure don't want to go there again!
I looked at my life. My husband had just retired, so there were a lot of changes. Apparently, I was not adjusting well. What was I doing each day that depressed me so much? I was doing normal things such as dishes and laundry and dusting. I answered some emails and commented on Facebook posts. I visited with my husband, did some data gathering for him, went for a ride with him in the afternoon, and watched football or basketball with him in the evenings.
Just listing all that and I want to crawl into a hole. Everything was sensing details. I can see why I didn't want to even get up in the mornings! My husband is a very competent ISTJ (introverted sensing, thinking, judging). He happily fills his life with detail after detail, ad nauseam. Here I was the empathic, philosophical INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging) trying to be his shadow. I was picking up all my husband's orderly, detailed needs and desires and trying to meet them. I was trying to be an ISTJ!
Friday, December 30, 2016
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Generally, I have the feeling that I am going Up the Down staircase. My comments are frequently met by blank stairs and a sudden awkward pause in the conversation. Conversely, I stare blankly when other women conspirately share where to get the latest outfit or gadget.
Life can be very stressful for me. I find that I must consciously protect myself from a loud bustling world and the constant bombardment of feelings from other people.
To me a perfect day is definitely NOT made by a checked off task list, and lots of bustling around. Instead I long for lots of unstructured time to explore and create new ideas. I enjoy helping people individually to reach their potential through understanding who they are and why they are here. I ponder the purpose of life and enjoy the beauty and serenity of nature. I am the rose in the corn field, the philosopher in a world of doers. I am an INFJ.
Being an INFJ, it is my nature to question why am so different. How I do things seems "normal" to me. What am I doing differently than most people? My daughter, an INTJ, also experiences this sense of "differentness". Why?
Obviously, we are both intuitives. Around 30% of the population prefers to use intuition, impressions and inspiration, to gather information. Intuitives are ever looking for new possibilities, new patterns, new understanding. On the other hand, 70% of the people feel more comfortable with information which comes to them through their senses. Sensors love the tried and true and past experiences are valued, recorded, and applied in daily life.
But why do we often feel "odd" even among intuitives? I looked further and discovered that though less than one third of all people (in the US) are intuitive, we do not all use intuition in the same way.