How does narcissism get passed down in families? It is a pattern of coping that can be perpetuated for generations unless someone breaks the chain.
Here is how a narcissistic parent trains their child to meet their needs:
- When the child is an infant, before they develop any sense of self, confidence in themselves, or a support network, the undermining begins.
- The child is kept completely dependent on only the narcissistic parent to meet their needs
- The child is never allowed to feel secure since that would empower them
- The child's needs are not recognized, nor met promptly
- The child is constantly reminded that expressing their needs is "selfish" and told that they should be ashamed
I've known for years that my personality type is an INFJ (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging) using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I could easily see myself as this type of person. As an Introvert, I try to deal with the world through my extroverted Feeling ability, and choose to use my strongest ability, Intuition, in my mind creating new ideas. I also know that I definitely prefer to have things planned and settled (Judging).
It all seemed pretty simple, but I was finding that I'd keep making commitments that I really didn't want to do, or couldn't fulfill. After a few months of this, I'd end up exhausted, then I'd pull back into my mind spending hours alone studying and trying to get in touch with my "lost" identity.
It was after my most recent "crash" that I knew this "boom and bust" cycle had to end. What was I doing wrong? I needed more understanding than I was finding in my INFJ study. It was then that I remembered about the Enneagram. Could it help?
Though each Enneagram Type has great strengths, which I appreciate, I like best being me, an Enneagram Type 9. I must confess that it took me a while to accept that I really am a Type 9, The Peacemaker, or The Mediator. I wouldn't consider that I might be this type for several weeks. I think the problem was that I was comparing my weaknesses with others' strengths. Another difficulty was that I was looking at the qualities of a Type 9 from the viewpoint of others, instead of reaching deep within and feeling the "rightness" in my soul of being a Type 9.
Type 9 Motivation
Let's face it, someone who's motivation in life is to create harmony and peace isn't valued as much in our culture (in the United States) as a the "go getter" Type 3 achiever, or a the "take charge" Type 8 leader, or a the "rock of society" Type 6 , or even the "life of the party" Type 7. They all "do" something. Type 2 helps people, Type 1 reforms the world, Type 3 has a drive to achieve, Type 4 creates in the arts, Type 5 studies and invents, Type 6 manages, Type 7 entertains, and Type 8 leads. Actually, I find the other types rather intimidating. They are all so driven and forceful, while I am not.
Type 9 Peacemakers
Type 9 Peacemakers are very gentle people who can patiently work all our lives on our goal to form unity and peace around us. Yes, this is idealistic and optimistic, but think what the world would be like if there were more of us! Yes, we are the "eternal optimists" who not only look for and hope for the good, but devote our lives to making it happen.
When I saw that the Enneagram Type 9 deal with stress by withdrawing from reality, just puttering, procrastinating, being passive aggressive, cocooning themselves in comforting routines, hiding out in fantasy or study, "zoning out" (dissociation - feeling blank and not connected to anything), seeking comfort from food, fleeing into fantasy or worry, hiding from anxiety by doing "busy work", suppressing their own feelings to "keep the peace" and putting others needs first, I didn't think that could be me. It has taken me a while and some time observing my own behavior to realize that I really do these things.
Procrastination
For example, yesterday I had set a goal of writing the post about the positive qualities of the Type 9. Before I started, I decided to rearrange a couple cupboards, put in some laundry, and check my emails. By then it was 1:30 and my husband was home for lunch. After lunch, he was going to put a new sink drain in the kitchen sink. I told myself that he would probably enjoy having me nearby while he worked, and perhaps I should do some Christmas decorating in this room while he was there; after all we should enjoy all the time we can together - we are getting older.
At that point, I smiled at myself. What did I think I was doing? Well, I knew what I was doing. I was procrastinating doing something that was difficult for me to face. They say that Type 9 people like to stay in the background and not draw attention to themselves or "brag" about themselves. Having to write a post about what I like about being a Type 9, simply wasn't something I felt comfortable doing, so I was putting it off by doing "busy work" and puttering around doing things which didn't need to be done at that time. I was even trying to use my husband's supposed "needs" to help me avoid doing what I found difficult.
As an INFJ, I've heard many times how essential balance is to my happiness, but I've been unsure what that meant. Now that I'm also studying the Enneagram Type 9, I better understand how to achieve this balance in my life.
Suppressing my Feelings and Needs
As a Type 9, I can be very receptive to others' emotions. This can give me great empathy, and it allows me to understand many points of view. It can also enable me to be very supportive of other people and bring unity to groups. It can become a serious problem if I rely on this ability too heavily. By inappropriately suppressing my feelings and needs, so that I can be more receptive to others, I can end up losing my own sense of identity.
Losing my Identity
This is one of my major challenges in life. When I lose my identity, I have to spend weeks alone, thinking, to rediscover who I really am. If I regularly take the time to notice what I am feeling, it helps to keep me connected with myself. Writing poems, journal keeping, and sharing my feelings with close friends, such as my husband, all assist me to remember who I am. I also need time before I make decisions. It helps me connect to my introverted functions of intuition and thinking when I write out and discuss the pros and cons, and consider my own goals and needs, then I'm able to evaluate how best to support others. This regular reflective time where I engage my strongest ability, introverted intuition, supported by my introverted thinking, and with my extroverted feeling values and information and sensing input, is essential to maintaining my balance in life.
