Multi-generational Narcissism

How does narcissism get passed down in families? It is a pattern of coping that can be perpetuated for generations unless someone breaks the chain. 

Here is how a narcissistic parent trains their child to meet their needs:

• When the child is an infant, before they develop any sense of self, confidence in themselves, or a support network, the undermining begins.
• The child is kept completely dependent on only the narcissistic parent to meet their needs
• The child is never allowed to feel secure since that would empower them
• The child's needs are not recognized, nor met promptly
• The child is constantly reminded that expressing their needs is "selfish" and told that they should be ashamed
• The child is kept confused and unsure of themselves
• Praise is never given for anything; it is not achievable
• The child is taught that they are not praised because the child does not deserve to be praised; the child is  inherently "inadequate"
• Every physical, mental, and emotional characteristic of the child is criticized
• Criticism is given in a subtle, long suffering manner by the parent
• The parent implies that only they could possibly love, care for, or even tolerate someone who is so "flawed" 
• The child's "fatal flaw" is never divulged, but is left vague - with the implication that it is so terrible that they can't even say it
• The child feels "flawed", but since the "flaw" is never identified, the child is unable to correct it, or even work on it
• The child is not allowed to develop friendships or any support network with extended family or even within the immediate family
• Closeness with the other parent and siblings is destroyed by the narcissistic parent by their constantly criticising and lying about the "victim" to the other other family members and by the narcissistic parent keeping their chosen "victim" apart from the support of other family members
• The narcissistic parent will lie about their victim thereby eroding their self esteem and destroying potential supportive relationships
• Often one child is designated as the "scapegoat" (victim) who gets all the blame for the parent's mistakes; another child may be considered as the "favored child" who can do no wrong
• Growing up and any expression of normal independence is severely punished
• Any expression of the child's needs is denied. They are told that their perceptions are "wrong". They are not really cold, hot, hungry, or tired etc. 
• The child's needs will be partly met, but only under the parent's total control. The parent will determine when the child is thirsty and give the child the water which is generally when the parent is thirsty. The child is always kept waiting to "let them know who is boss" and to teach them to be "good and polite".
• If the narcissistic parent is concerned about what others will think of them, then the child's needs may be met, or the child treated kindly, when they are around other adults, but not when the child is alone with the parent.
• The child never knows how his parent will react to them. They are kept anxiously trying to anticipate their parent's next move.
• The child is never allowed to take any independent action; every action must be directed by the parent
• When the parent's mistakes are noticed by other adults, the parent  blames the child publicly for the parent's own mistakes
• When in public, the child is not allowed to talk to, or even make eye contact with other adults, or even spend time with grandparents; ensuring the parent's total control of the child
• Everything the child needs is given only by the narcissistic parent; for example: school supplies were given as Christmas gifts
• The child is kept near the narcissistic parent, except when inconvenient for the parent, and away from the other parent
• The child's memory is discredited with "correct memories" supplied by the narcissistic parent
• Only the "favored" child is given lessons to develop talents, but the "scapegoat" child is told that, sadly, they don't have any abilities
• The child is not allowed to have any physical boundaries; bathroom doors may never be locked; parents can walk in their bedroom and go through their things whenever they wish; the child's bedroom does not have curtains; the parent chooses the child's clothing, room decoration; what the child must eat (and must enjoy); the parent chooses colors the child "likes", etc (generally the likes of the parent)
• The child is not allowed to have any emotional boundaries; they are to divulge all thoughts and report all interactions with others to the parent; their letters or diary (if they are foolish enough to have one) are read by the narcissistic parent
• The child will be severely punished if they ever question any action or statement of the parent
• The child lives with the constant threat of being abandoned and therefore conforms to the parent's wishes
• Success, award, or praise from other adults at school, church, sports etc is always nullified by the narcissistic parent pointing out that they "should have done better" and listing all of the child's weaknesses 
• The child is never to defend themselves in any way, or they will be severely punished for being "uppity"
• The child is always to be humbly grateful for all the things the parent does to them or chooses to give them
• The child is expected to be apologetic for even existing and for being a "bother" to their parents
• The child may never express any negative emotions
• The child must always have a slight smile on their face
• The child is expected to accept responsibility for all their parent's unfair and immature behavior
• The child is to accept that they "deserved" all that their parents did to them
• Shame is the major method used to control the child
• Withdrawing from the child is also used to punish the child into submission (not looking at, not being in same room, or not talking to the child)
• The child is trained to feel shame for having any needs, desires, or goals
• The child is taught that any expression of their needs, desires, or goals is "selfish" and is obviously an effort to purposely hurt the narcissistic parent, thus showing how "bad" they truly are
• The child is told that "good" people just think of others (which means only the narcissistic parent)

Don't think these examples are extreme. I actually experienced all of them.

So the child grows up. Here is a child who has spent their life trying the needs of their narcissistic parent. I was even told that my purpose in life was to "make my parents happy", and I was expected to do it. 

Now grown, the child has never had their needs, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, or accomplishments validated. They most likely have never seen how mature adults identify and express feelings and needs, or seen how mature adults solve problems. 

The child raised by narcissistic parent(s) becomes larger in size, but since they have not been allowed to go through the normal stages of development, the are often inside more child than adult. The child/adult has:

• Little self-identity
• Little awareness of their feelings
• Little awareness of their needs
• Few, or no, goals
• Little sense of attachment
• Little confidence in their abilities
• Poor communication skills
• Few social skills
• Few problem solving skills
• Their talents are unknown and undeveloped
• Experiences crippling shame
• Experiences social anxiety
• Little ability to self sooth
• Has trouble with asserting own needs
• Has difficulty self nurturing; with self care
• Little confidence in themselves 
• Few marriage skills
• Few parenting skills
• Great difficulty responding to their child's needs
• Often feel lonely and empty
• Little concept of boundaries; trouble setting and defending

So how does this child/adult deal with life? This is assuming that they somehow are able to get away from their narcissistic parent and live independently. The answer -- not well. 

Many will do what most people do. They simply copy the coping behavior of their parents, and so begins another generation of narcissistic child/parenting where the parent uses their child to boost their esteem and meet the parent's needs. 

But not everyone who is raised by narcissistic parents will become narcissistic themselves. Some are able to follow another path, but they still experience incredible stress due to their lack of good coping skills and because they lack a strong awareness of their own identity, needs, feelings, and goals. Consequently to survive, some turn to drugs, become severely depressed, some dissociate (space out mentally), become physical ill, some take their own lives, or, with support from others, some receive the healing they need and live happy lives.