Managing the Holidays as an Introvert

Does the hustle and bustle of the holidays make you cringe as you anticipate it? Does a full engagement calendar make you feel like running for the hills? Does the thought of Christmas shopping turn you into a Grinch? Chances are you are an introvert like me. 

I really care for my family and friends so much, and I love being with them, but not all at once! During the three weeks before Christmas, I am expected to be more social than I am for the rest of the year combined. Every couple of days there is something "special" to go to. I confess that I really would enjoy each event -- if they were spread throughout the year!

Introverts at a Holiday Dinner

There we were sitting at the table: five introverts with three extroverts. The two dynamic extroverts each positioned themselves at opposite ends of the table with the introverts and the older, quieter extrovert seated between them. 

What happened?  Everyone ate, enjoyed being together as a family, and the introverts listened as the extroverts carried on their piercingly loud conversation with each other from opposite ends of a long table. Supposedly, they were trying in include all of us in their conversation. 

Were the introverts quiet because they just enjoyed listening and had nothing to say? As one of those quiet introverts, my answer is, "No". I would have liked to ask a few questions and talk with people that I haven't seen in nearly a year. Why didn't I? I tried to slip in a few words. I even tried to interrupt, but my words were drowned out by the extroverts' jubilant chatter. 

Are you in the right job for your personality type?

Many people drag home each evening exhausted from a day at work. Why? Of course there some jobs which are inherently stressful such as police, fire, and emergency rescue work. Also, there are jobs with stressful work environments such as working with strong chemicals, or offices with poor ventilation.  Unfortunately, there are also unreasonable bosses and negative co-workers, but, I believe, that the major source of job stress is personality type misfit.

There seems to be the right person for most any job and many wrong fits. Envision the classic "absent minded professor" (an INFJ) in a job where he is required to fill out many forms and submit them on time. Talk about a set up for failure! Not only that, what a waste of his abilities. Now envision that same job with an ISTJ. He strides in, briefcase in hand, ready to tackle, and master, the mountain of paper work in front of him. At the end of the day he leaves for his home energized by a job well done.

First - Learn Your Personality Type So how do you find that job which is a perfect fit for you?

Victim Mentality

People who think of themselves as a victim lack self esteem. They don't have confidence that they are capable to deal with life. They live a fearfully believing that "the world is against them" and that "everyone is out to get them". They see themselves as powerless, and so they passively surrender control over their life to others. They slouch, complain, and blame their way through life completely smothered in self-pity. 

Why would anyone do this? Everything we keep doing, we do for the rewards. Though being a victim may not sound very rewarding, it is very effective at protecting weak self esteem. Think about it. You don't have to take responsibility for anything - just blame it on someone else. No one is going to expect you to do something you might not be able to do. You don't need to fear failure, uncertainty, or rejection. You can remain safe and snug in your comfort zone. There is no risk, so you'll avoid a lot of pain. Of course you won't grow or develop the skills and confidence to deal with life or have any joy, but you are secure. 

How Do I Stop Being a Victim?

It has helped me to understand that the "Victim" way of looking at life isn't reality. It is just a coping method, and it has to be taught. Anything that has been learned can be replaced by new learning. I tell myself that I can learn a new pattern for coping with life.

Think back. Who taught you that life was frightening; something to hide from; something that you had no control over? Who taught you that you were weak and helpless?

The Intuitive Empath

An Empath is a person who feels and understands the thoughts, emotions, and energy of others. Intuitive Empaths are often:
Claircognizant or clear knowing
Clairsentience- clear feeling; picks up others emotions; feel of a place, people or animals; may have some feeling of how others are doing even at distances
Clairvoyance - sees images in mind; daydreams, uses metaphors, "I see" concepts in mind

Here are some descriptive comments about Intuitive Empaths:
are a constant thinker, and learner
ability to combine feeling and intuition
somehow knows what needs to be done
see a purpose and pattern to life instead of just a string of "coincidences".
are receptive to input from outside of themselves: receptive to spirit, to revelation, insights, ideas, sudden new thoughts; see images in mind; daydream

INFJ from the perspective of the StrengthsFinder

Clifton StrengthsFinder

mine; priorities in my life

Ideation (N)

see patterns & concepts

make connections

form new ideas

need study many subjects

need time to think

partner with an analyzer for balance; apply ideas is real world; practical

need to change environment often

Strategy (INJ)

chart course

see consequences

plan to avoid problems

trust intuition

need time to think out ideas

good at counseling 

Feeling - Introverted and Extroverted

FEELING

Prefer making decisions on what is best for people; values; maintain harmony

INTROVERTED  54%

Dominate INFP  ISFP

Support ENFP, ESFP

3rd and 4th   INTJ , ISTJ, ENTJ, ESTJ

Want harmony between their actions, thoughts, values - not violate their core values

Notice data which matches their perspective and values

May not verbalize values but act upon

Can “read” people, facial expressions

Authors, philosophers, singers, songwriters, actors

Emotion

Emotion is the right brain expressing itself - a thought by Cheryl Merrick

How Do Feeling and Thinking Types See Life?

Of course, Feeling and Thinking personality types often have very different perspectives of what is most important in life and, consequently, very different goals.  Though we must use both our Thinking and Feeling abilities to make wise decisions, people naturally prefer to use either Feeling values or Thinking logic to make most of their decisions.

Though it is tempting to simplify our differences and accept all the old stereotypes, Feelers decisions really are not "irrational" and Thinkers really are not "cold and unfeeling".  Both Feeling and Thinking people make decisions rationally based on their values, and both types have strong feelings. Feelers generally do not verbalize their reasoning, and Thinkers generally do not physically express their feelings.

How Can Thinkers and Feelers Communicate?

We've all experienced it with a spouse, acquaintance, or co-worker. There you are intelligent, responsible people meeting to try to provide information, give support, make a plan, or resolve a problem, when everything falls apart. The Feelers are hurt and angry, and may even walk away, leaving the confused Thinkers alone, wondering "What happened?".

What did happen? Is it that the Feelers were "too emotional", or were the Thinkers "too cold and unfeeling"? Actually, neither are wrong in how they approach life. A Feeler focuses on what is most important to people. A Thinker focuses more on logically completing tasks. Both perspectives are complementary and essential in making good decisions. 

We run into trouble when Thinkers and Feelers don't understand each other.  Interpreting the world from their own point of view, they often make incorrect assumptions. Because of this, they misinterpret the others' words and actions,  assuming the worst.  So what are some of the false assumptions that Feelers and Thinkers make when they try to communicate and work together?

What Can Thinkers DO to Better Communicate with Feelers?

You might be saying to yourself that it was nice to better understand how Feelers and Thinkers look at life, and it was even more helpful to have the false communication assumptions explained, but now what can I specifically DO to make communication better with a Feeler. Well, here it is!
Communicating with a Feeler - Do's and Don'ts
The main thing to remember when communicating with Feelers is that they are concerned with what is good for people.

The Ideal
Have a Positive Attitude toward the Feeler - A positive attitude is the basis of effective communication with a Feeler. Feelers "read" emotions. If you are annoyed with them, if you view them as inferior beings, if you don't respect their perspective, or value their goals, a Feeler will know. Your tone of voice and body language will broadcast your true thoughts. A Feeler will react not only to your words, but to the thoughts behind your words. You won't become a Feeler, but by simply making the effort to use a Feeling approach, your attitude will begin to change and your communication will improve. Feelers are very compassionate and will respond well to your efforts, even if they are less than perfect.

What Can Feelers Do to Better Communicate with Thinkers?

We Feelers know that Thinkers need our personal perspective, but how can we communicate with people who are often demeaning, argumentative, aggressive, and arrogant? Many of us have bosses, co-workers, and husbands who are Thinkers. I know at moments it seems impossible, but there are things we can do. Here are my suggestions from my 68 years of living experience and 45 years of being married to a very strong Thinker.  

First, we need to accept them as they are. They aren't going become Feelers anymore than we are going to become Thinkers. We can each move a little to the center, understand each other's motivation, and learn to speak their language - a little.

I'm not saying what we need to tolerate their rudeness, just that we need to accept that they are clueless. We attribute our rich perception of emotion to them and see all sorts of emotions behind their behavior and it simply isn't there. Thinkers don't even understand what we are talking about.

Examples of Thinker and Feeler Communication

We needed to choose paint for the walls in our home. My husband (a Thinker) considered the coverage and cost of the paint. As a Feeler, I considered the affect the paint would have on my allergies. We ended up choosing a paint with adequate coverage but at a higher price, because it would have little negative effect on my health. 

My supervisor stated that we were causing another worker, who gave us a ride each day, to be late for work. When we tried to explain, she (a Thinker) refused to listen, declaring that she didn't want to hear any "excuses". The other woman and I decided that we would show what was really happening. So we walked the couple of miles to work each day. The worker with the car was still late each day. It then became evident that she had been picking us up late. 

A man (a well trained Thinker) called needing information. He jumped right into his question, then suddenly paused, and continuing in a softer less business tone of voice, asked me how I was doing before returning to his question. 

How an ISTJ can Help an INFJ Cope with Stress

As an INFJ, I know about stress. For me, a person with Dominant Introverted Intuition, I can only access my greatest strength, create, and recharge, in my mind, but I also need to deal with the people and things around me. Though my mind flourishes in the world of imagination, my body does not. I live in a physical world. To use my Intuitive abilities, I must suppress my Sensing abilities. I have to shut out the world around me and enter the world of the mind. Conversely, to deal with the "real" world, I have to suppress my creative Intuitive abilities so I can use my Sensing abilities. Balancing between my two worlds, like walking a tightrope, is inherently stressful. 

I can manage this balance for a short time, but when my Dominant Intuitive abilities are suppressed for very long, I become very stressed. I do not feel like myself, and, without my Intuitive ability, I'm not really me. I can no longer see patterns, receive inspiration, create, see possible consequences, meaning in life, or work toward future goals. I don't feel connected with who I am and with my own needs and feelings. I become grouchy, critical, frustrated, emotional, illogical, depressed, and physically ill (headaches, muscle aches, nausea, IBS, fatigued, shaky). I withdraw from people, nibble all day, and constantly clean and organize my home. Finally, and mercifully, I collapse in exhaustion.

Coping with Stress - INFJ and INTJ Compaired

Since I have a family member who is an INTJ, I was wondering how she would be similar in coping with stress with me, an INFJ.  I know we both struggle with becoming overstressed. Since we are both INJ (introverted intuitive) we both prefer to use our dominant (strongest) ability in our minds and use our auxiliary (2nd strongest) ability to deal with the world.  We are the only two Dominant Introverted Intuitive personality types. We both prefer to use intuition in the inner world of the mind to gain insights, see patterns and meaning, and predict future outcomes. Our difference is that she uses Thinking to deal with the world and support her Intuition while I prefer to use Feeling to support my Intuition. It seems that though we would be similar in what stresses us as Intuitives, our Thinking and Feeling difference would make our stressors and coping also quite different.

As Dominant Introverted Intuitives, we must both deal daily with getting access to our strengths. Our challenge is that the level of internal concentration necessary to see intuitively all this meaning, projections, and patterns can only be done when our minds are not being distracted by the outside sensing world.  This isn't easy to do since we live in a Sensing world. Noise, bright lights, busyness, outside pressure, and too much specific data thrown at us too quickly, can frustrate us by preventing us from using our strong Introverted Intuitive strengths. And so, we struggle with living in two worlds. Though we live surrounded by a Sensing world, we can only utilize our considerable Introverted Intuitive ability in the world of the mind.

How an ESFP can help an INTJ with Stress

I know an INTJ who works in a high stress field. I have been wondering how can her husband, an ESFP, help her cope with her stress?

In General:
"ESFPs are essentially easygoing, adaptive, playful, and freedom-loving people who like to live fully in the present moment. In contrast, INTJs are quiet, ambitious, and intellectual people who strive to find, meet, and exceed ever-increasing challenges." 1

With his love of life and his living in the present, the ESFP husband has the ability to balance his intellectual, future living INTJ spouse. By being himself, he can help her enjoy living and help her get in touch with her feelings. He can also provide her with the quiet, orderly environment she needs and handle many of the routine details of life. This will help her be more relaxed since she has little Sensing ability.

Basically INTJs will become stressed, like everyone else, when they are having to use their weakest abilities too much (for them their Feeling and Sensing abilities). Too much time spent in their strongest abilities (for them Intuition and Thinking) can also fatigue the INTJ. Balance is essential for the INTJs well being. Since her weakest areas are an ESFP strengths, her husband can do a lot to help her keep her life in balance. (refer to BASICS at the bottom of the page)

Resources for People Who are HSP, Empaths, INFJ

HSP - Highly Sensitive People, INFJ (Introvered Intuitive Feeling Judging)

Storm, Susan. Tranquility by Type: Stress Relief Tips for Your Unique Personality Type

Everest, Kristine S.. Survival Guide For Empaths: How To Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs, A Plan For The Highly Sensitive, Coping With Distress, Empath Healing Made Easy For Beginners . KSE Publishing.

Orloff, Judith. The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People . Sounds True.

Soldner, Jennifer. The INFJ Heart: Understand the Mind, Unlock the Heart.

Soldner, Jennifer. The Empathic INFJ: Awareness and Understanding for the Intuitive Clairsentient

Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person . Kensington. Kindle Edition.

Help with Stress for an INFJ Empath

Basics
Ni (introverted intuition) is my dominant ability and needs to be in charge so I can think, process, solve problems, and maintain my normal balance in life. Since it is an introverted function, I can only use this ability when I am calm and being in a quiet place helps me focus intuitive abilities (Ni). Being alone allows others emotions to dissipate and puts me in touch with who I am and what I am feeling. If I am actively using my Se (Extroverted Sensing) ability, or my Fe (Extroverted Feeling) ability, then I must suppress (not use) my Ni ability and am therefore not in control of my life.

Se (extroverted sensing) allows me to pick up information and deal with the outside world. Fe (extroverted feeling) allows me to absorb the emotions of others. I can only use these my extroverted functions to provide information which my Dominate Intuitive ability uses to direct my thoughts and actions. I can use my introverted Ti and NI abilities together easily to analyze ideas and plan how meet my goals.

General Help

1. Be alone - I need to be alone without sensory input (peace and quiet) to be able to truly access and use my Dominate Intuitive abilities; to think; to write; to recharge; to solve problems, to receive inspiration; to set priorities and goals; to dissipate others emotions through writing; to be in control of my life; to be at peace. Gives rest from over-use of subordinate functions (Se extroverted sensing and Fe extroverted feeling).
   

Causes of Stress for an INFJ Empath

INFJ’s desire to help people by listening, counseling and giving emotional
support. As an INFJ empath, I struggle with chronic stress. After looking
at my life from a Personality Type perspective, it seems that most stress
comes when I do not use my strengths, but, instead, try to live as a sensing
person (Se) always busily engaged with the world, and an extroverted
feeling person (Fe) always interacting with people. This is my attempt to
change; to be me, to be more at peace, less stressed, and happier.
Suggestions for change are in blue.

INFJ - (Ni ) Introverted Intuition is Dominant ability
(Fe) 2nd, or auxiliary ability, is Extroverted Feeling
(Ti ) 3rd ability is Introverted Thinking
(Se) 4th, or weakest ability, is Extroverted Sensing

Causes of Stress for an INFJ Empath

1. Excess Sensory Stimulation - can feel overwhelmed; to use dominate Ni must be an quiet meditative state; loud noises, bright lights, clutter, fast movement; jiggling, roughness, spicy, strong perfume, or other strong smells or tastes; avoid and minimize; quiet sanctuary; nature;

2. Too Many Details and Pressure- can feel overwhelmed; pressure to handle too many things too quickly (deadlines), busyness, clutter; too much Se (4th ability); need to explore one topic at time deeply; focus on one thing at a time; simple home and simple routines;

3. Interruptions - will break the dominant Ni concentration; have a sanctuary in my home; not give out phone number; set boundaries 

4. Too Much Extraverting - can be overwhelming and draining: INFJ's are relationship oriented; like to form deep relationships with a few people; only use Fe (2nd, auxiliary) for support to Ni function, Fe enables to empathize, feel, and listen to others but is not my main source of energy; if use for a long time, it will drain me; majority of time on Ni 3 times as long; limit social; limit only to the most important social interactions