Expressing Anger as an INFJ

I grew up in a family where expressing anger or even any assertiveness was not acceptable, so I learned to suppress my anger and turn it inward which caused a lot of depression. I also used to let people "guilt" me into doing what they wanted which resulted in more anger and resentment toward them, which I also tried to suppress. One thing I felt guilty about was that I was "too sensitive", so I suppressed most of my feelings, including my anger.

Now that I am in my seventies, I more firmly stand up for my principles and my needs. Because, as an INFJ, I want to have a sense of peace and unity with people, I still tend to suppress anger, but not always. When I feel that someone else is being unjustly treated, especially when it is someone who is unable to defend themselves, such as a child or animal, I immediately speak up or take action. This isn't a burst of emotion, but rather a totally confident stand for what is right.

Generally though, I prefer not to have confrontations with other people. I am so empathic that it is very stressful for me engage in face to face disagreements with others. All that emotion is simply overwhelming to me. If I must say something, then I prefer to do it on my own turf by expressing my arguments logically in writing. I've found that more aggressive outgoing people have sometimes tried to intimidate me into accepting their ideas by speaking loudly, standing close, and/or repeating what they want over and over, but wrong is wrong no matter how loudly it is said. This is not how I communicate. I never debate or argue what I know is right. I just "know" it. It is not something determined by the "winner" who speaks the loudest, stands the closest, or can look down on their opponent. "Rightness" is something I just know. It is a part of me and any emotional, physical, or financial pressure can not change what I know is right, therefore I will not express anger, but will instead withdraw from any situation where others are trying to intimidate me into doing what they want.

I will step out of the area, or better yet never even enter it. Often, I can feel how the other person is feeling, see their perspective, and understand why they are feeling this way. Usually, their behavior has little to do with me and everything to do with their own problems. So, if my values are not threatened, or I don't intend to have any contacts with this person again, I often just move away from that person and simply ignore what they said and did.

Some situations, such as business dealings, don't lend themselves to relating in my natural way by forming unity through coming to a deep understanding of feelings and goals, such as business dealings. Many very logical people are quite insensitive to others feelings, but in business transactions that is "how it is". It isn't the time to emphasize with their feelings or explain my needs and feelings. I will try to write or vent my anger or maybe let the manager know of the situation if it needs to be improved, but that is about all I'll do. If I can, I handle business things online. It simply takes far more energy to work through all our issues and feelings than I generally want to engage in being such a strong introvert.

If the other person is abusive, that is a different situation. Anyone who is trying to manipulate me, or thwart my vision I will confront if I must or if it is someone who I want to develop a close relationship with, such as my husband, I will do it.  First, I will take time to think it out, then I will explain how I am feeling, what needs to be changed, why, and how to do it, and how it will help us both to reach our goal of a closer relationship. The only time I really "lose it" is when I am experiencing an allergic reaction, or excessively stressed, or totally exhausted. I don't seem to have my normal control at that time and I will lash out, yelling at the other person and venting any pent up anger for quite some time. Needless to say, my husband and I try to be very careful to avoid getting me to this point.

Generally, I'm learning to rely on my INFJ abilities to work out problems. Journaling and discussion helps me be more aware of when I'm becoming angry, then I can focus on resolving the problem. I try to be calm, clear, and helpful with solutions. This is greatly appreciated and received well by my ISTJ husband, but it seems to work well with most people. I realize that they simply have no comprehension of my world and needs, or the feelings within me that their actions create. I use my empathy to gain the necessary information to understand the other person's viewpoint and to sensitively present solutions. When we are back united over true principles, then I no longer feel anger and am at peace.