I'm coming to understand why it is said that INFJ's (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) have a higher level of stress than any other personality type. Also, I'm realizing that a balanced use of my functions, my abilities, is absolutely crucial for me to be able to avoid major stress and live a happier life.
Like everyone else, I function best and utilize my talents best when I use my dominant, or greatest strength, to lead my life. It is the core of my self identity. For me, my dominant strength is Introverted Intuition. This means that my greatest strength is used in my mind flying to great heights in the "World of Imagination". This is a major challenge when you must spend so much of your time down on earth in the "Real World". There are only two personality types which prefer to use intuition in their minds as their dominant function: INFJ and INTJ (the second most stressed type).
Instead of using Extroverted Thinking with my Intuition like the INTJs do, I enjoy using my Introverted Intuition with Extroverted Feeling. Through listening and observing, my Feeling ability supplies my Intuition with input on the moods and emotions around me. Feeling also focus my Intuition on helping people reach their potential. My Intuitive ability enables me to form connections and insights, see patterns, essences, meanings, truths, principles, possibilities, and motives. With the emotional input, focus, and values that my Feeling function provides me, I am able help others by solving problems, and planning how to reach people related goals. Feeling gives my Intuition a voice, generally in writing, so that I can share my Intuitive insights, and create relationships and harmony. It also makes me a great listener.
I use Introverted Thinking (Ti) in my mind to check the logic, accuracy, and practicality of my Intuitive generated patterns, and insights. This enables me to not only set goals, but create a logical plan to reach those goals. My unusually strong (for a third strength) Introverted Thinking ability also balances my Extroverted Feeling. With the help of my Thinking function, I am able to stick to my principles and plans even when they disturb the harmony within the group. My Thinking ability also allows me to maintain an objective distance from others, and it helps me set appropriate boundaries with others, so that I can preserve my own Introverted Intuitive identity and strong sense of independence which places principles and goals for human improvement before mere harmony. When I do simple logical things, such as putting puzzles together, to allows me to use my Introverted Thinking function in a non-stressful way to give me a break from using my Introverted Intuition.
My Extroverted Sensing ability balances my Introverted Intuition and connects me to the real world. It enables me to implement my plans and achieve my goals. Extroverted Sensing supplies my Introverted Intuition with the sensory data it needs to process life into meaningful patterns. My Extroverted Sensing function also allows me to be aware of my environment, to exercise, and to enjoy life's pleasures such as a good meal, a sunset, beauty, and nature. This positive relationship with the world around me calms my soul.
This is the ideal pattern where all my abilities work together to help me reach my goals, with Introverted Intuition leading, Extroverted Feeling second, Introverted Thinking third, and Extroverted Sensing as my weakest ability. But now let's put in real life. What happens when the basement floods and I'm left to spend the entire day cleaning up the mess? How do I hold up to four children (mine) demanding my constant attention? What do I do when faced with days filled with endless tasks to be done and errands to run? One word explains it-- Stress!
Why am I so stressed? One basic problem is that both my Intuition and Thinking are Introverted which means that I can only access them when I am not distracted by Sensing input. Too much sensory stimulation blocks my Introverted Intuition's ability to understand, form patterns, or plan. If I am in a noisy, smelly (even perfumed), busy environment, my Introverted Intuition cannot process my Extroverted Feeling and Sensing input, and my Introverted Thinking cannot logically analyze my input and plans. Worst of all, I am unable to use my Introverted Intuition to generate insights and plans, solve problems, and see meaning and patterns. Tis is why INFJ's need more time alone than any other type. That's right. I must get away from the world; be in peace and quiet, or I am unable to use my dominant Introverted Intuition, or any other function to support it.
Consequently, since we do live in the busy, noisy "real world", it is quite easy for me to over-do using my Extroverted functions of Feeling and Sensing. When I am unable to have the quiet time alone that I need to access my Intuition to process my Feeling input, I just keep going, Extroverting Feeling and becoming more and more sensitive to others' emotions. Finally, I reach the point where I am unable to separate their feelings from my own; a point where I no longer have any emotional boundaries . As I empathetically experience their feelings as well as my own, I become drained. Not only that, but I feel responsible for everyone's feelings. If they are not happy, it is MY fault. Without my Introverted Intuition to give meaning, set goals, and anchor my identity and without my Introverted Thinking to evaluate my conclusions and plans, I simply keep using my Extroverted Feeling, trying to form harmonious relationships with others. In short, I become an easily manipulated puppet existing only to meet everyone else's needs -- except my own.
Why don't I meet my own needs? My Extroverted Feeling function is directed toward the outside world. This makes me very empathic and, with my Introverted Intuition, very altruistic. This is why I can easily pick up others' emotions, but I can only become aware of my own needs by the indirect process of writing my thoughts and feelings in my journal, or by talking to a trusted friend. This process puts my thoughts and feelings out into the "real world", then sends them back to me, so that my Introverted Intuition can process them. This is the only way that I can consciously deal with my own feelings, set boundaries, and refine my insights.
I've found that when I hit "puppet mode" where I am just trying to please others, my life really goes down hill fast. Why? One reason is that people often want me to endlessly listen to them and even push me, an idealist, to condone their negative behaviors. They, also, frequently want me to go places with them. As a person who recharges from within, this drains me. Most people are convinced that social interaction is the way to happiness, and, as loving people, they do not want to leave me home in "lonely misery". So, exhausted and lured by claims of promised "fun", I find myself miserably "on the go". With my Introvert need to recharge and my Intuitive need to make sense of the world and to creatively work toward my longterm goals, being neglected, I am soon physically ill due to excessive stress.
Another thing that tires me is that people frequently want me to do "simple" routine tasks for them. Now, besides way over doing on socializing (Extroverted Feeling), I'm also excessively doing things in the outside world (Extroverted Sensing). My balance is shattered. I no longer have any quiet time available to access my dominant Introverted Intuition, or my third supportive Thinking abilities. I am now completely in the "Grip" of excessive (for me) Extroverted Sensing. No longer myself, I obsessively clean, organize, and do detailed tasks on my computer. I spend my time nit picking and chasing dust bunnies. My days rush pass, mindlessly in a fog, until I finally "burnout" from stress and find myself confined to bed.
Finally, when I can no longer jump when others call and am unable to do any Sensing work, I begin to return to my natural balance. My suppressed Introverted Intuition and Thinking at last have the quiet time to process what has been happening to me and regain control of my life.
I have to concede that, though there are some people who take advantage of my weakness when I become over-stressed, most do not. Without time to be by myself and use my Intuition and Thinking, I am unaware of my needs and am, therefore, unable to set boundaries and say, "No". My lack of balance creates my stress.
At this point, if I cut socializing, Sensing responsibilities, and outside stimuli and just retreat into a quiet place where I can think (access both my Introverted Intuition and Thinking), I can start to regain control of my life again. If I journal (I like to put my feelings into poetic form), I can get in touch with my own feelings again. It can sometimes help to vent or talk with a close friend, so I can hear my thoughts and feelings and my Intuition can make sense of them. I usually talk with my husband, an ISTJ (Introverted Intuitive Sensing Thinking Judging person). Though he is neither Intuitive or Feeling, he loves me deeply and wants me to be happy. He is often able to help me see things from a different perspective and see options which I hadn't considered. Thankfully, he doesn't try to tell me what to do. That is the last thing I need at this time.
Other things that can help me relax are to read or watch a funny video. I enjoy children's literature, because their humor makes me laugh. I also find the beauty of nature, music, art, and classic musicals relaxing. These things help me experience my Extroverted Sensing in a pleasurable, instead of a stressful way. Another thing that really helps me regain a positive perspective is when people recognize and express appreciation for the Intuitive things I plan, or create. Also, doing simple puzzles or games can help me relax, because it engages my Introverted Thinking in non-stressful ways.
I really need all these positive experiences when I get out of balance, for when I stay out in the world and just use my Extroverted Feeling and Sensing to deal with life, I begin to lose my identity. Without the quiet time alone to access my Introverted Intuitive ability, my self, my dominant, preferred way of living, I have no sense of "Me". If I cannot enter that world in my mind, I also lose my use of my Introverted Thinking, my ability to logically analyze, and I become merely a lost "Dreamer".
Without my strong dominant Intuition, supported and balanced by my Extroverted Feeling, Introverted Thinking, and Extroverted Sensing, enabling me to have a healthy self concept, I enter the "Shadow Side" of my personality. Here I desperately attempt to use my mainly unconscious lesser functions.
I can use my fifth function, Extroverted Intuition, a little to help me be more open to new ideas and in brainstorming, but if I attempt to use it for very long, it will suppress my Introverted Intuition. Without my Introverted Intuition, I wander aimlessly, losing the intense focus that my Introverted Intuition gives me, or even worse, I will begin to doubt my previously trusted conclusions. Another stressor is having my long range plans, generated by my Introverted Intuition, changed. This causes me great frustration. Also, I will quickly unravel if I am frequently interrupted, because interruptions also keep me from being able to use my Introverted Intuition.
My sixth function, Introverted Feeling, is called the "Critical Parent". It is when I only see my mistakes and weakness. This negative "voice" can also be turned toward other people, criticizing them unmercifully. If I have been using my Extroverted Feeling so much that I have suppressed my Introverted Intuition and Thinking, I will lose my normal balance and fall into the "Shadow" of my poorly developed Introverted Feeling. Also, criticism, lack of appreciation, being around negative people or in negative relationships, and lack of harmony can all severely stress me and cause me to lose my healthy balance, my identity, and enter this unconscious "Shadow" realm.
My seventh function, Extroverted Thinking, is called "The Trickster" because it causes me to see other people through a negative lens. I also become fearful that others are trying to control me. When I reach this point, I have suppressed my strong Introverted Thinking and am trying to handle life without my normal logical analysis. I can become unreasonable, impractical, and express my lack of balance in impulsive behavior and angry outbursts. Definitely not my normal way!
Finally, when I am at the point of collapse, my eighth and very weakest function, Introverted Sensing, appears. This "Shadow" function is called my "Demon" for good reason. It is a point of hopelessness where I only see the negative. All memories, all people (including myself), are seen negatively, like through the dark distorted lens in the story, "The Snow Queen". When I fall into this hole, I will not try to save myself, intent, instead, on wallowing in pity. Only with God's help and through my husband's encouragement to use my Introverted Thinking again to see through the dark lies the "Demon" is sending me, can I free myself from this "Shadow". Slowly, I begin to turn to the light and see reality again. Only as I begin to look for the good things in my life, and to express gratitude for what I have, can I return to the light, to healthy functioning.
When I am in situations where I spend too much time using my Extroverted Sensing function, too much time focusing in the moment, I will become extremely stressed. I quickly get a smashing headache, cramped muscles, especially in my shoulders and jaw, dizzy, nauseous, shaky, IBS, talk slowly, and become exhausted. Even worse than this; I can't think. Once I stood in front of the dishwasher crying because I couldn't handle putting away the dishes! I have trouble making decisions, fall apart easily, can't remember even names of common things, and struggle to say a coherent sentence, am anxious and depressed. I can become incapacitated for the rest of the day if I have to act on lots of details such as finding my way through a strange city or computer program, or doing an excessive amount of computer details (for me balancing finances, family history research, or recording data), or doing endless routine housework. Sometimes, it can take me weeks or even many months to recover when I reach this point.
Tired of going through this depressing cycle of unbalanced Extroverted Feeling and Sensing living, I am determined to ensure that each day I have the quiet time I need to use my Introverted Intuition and Thinking abilities. Only then, can I live a balanced life where I can happily meet both my needs and others' needs.
A good ebook I highly recommend is The INFJ: Understanding the Mystic by Susan Storm an INFJ.
See also: Psychology Junkie
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