Monday, February 19, 2018

What Can Thinkers DO to Better Communicate with Feelers?

You might be saying to yourself that it was nice to better understand how Feelers and Thinkers look at life, and it was even more helpful to have the false communication assumptions explained, but now what can I specifically DO to make communication better with a Feeler. Well, here it is!
Communicating with a Feeler - Do's and Don'ts

The main thing to remember when communicating with Feelers is that they are concerned with what is good for people.

The Ideal
Have a Positive Attitude toward the Feeler - A positive attitude is the basis of effective communication with a Feeler. Feelers "read" emotions. If you are annoyed with them, if you view them as inferior beings, if you don't respect their perspective, or value their goals, a Feeler will know. Your tone of voice and body language will broadcast your true thoughts. A Feeler will react not only to your words, but to the thoughts behind your words. You won't become a Feeler, but by simply making the effort to use a Feeling approach, your attitude will begin to change and your communication will improve. Feelers are very compassionate and will respond well to your efforts, even if they are less than perfect.


A Feeling Approach

Do Review Why You Need Good Communication with Feelers - see my other articles. You will have little of value in your personal life, or in your business, without the perspective of Feelers. Before you give in to dreaming of a purely logical world, think of what you would be missing. It would be a cold world without artists, nurturers, healers, teachers, advertisers, musicians, writers, counselors, idealists, and lovers. Feelers' human values support families, but even businesses cannot survive for long without Feelers. Feelers not only evaluate what people need and sell products, they enable team members to work together effectively. 



Do Be a Facilitator - Utilize Feelers' perspectives and strengths to build relationships, make better decisions, plans, and problem solutions by learning to communicate with Feelers in a way that indicates both understanding and respect.  

Don't Use an Impersonal Approach with a Feeler - Thinkers sometimes shoot data back and forth in an impersonal manner to each other. They are both enjoying getting a task done. They take no offense, because they know that none was intended. On the other hand, Feelers do not respond well to being treated as if they were a mere thing to be used to get the job done. They are people and want to be treated as such. 

Do Deal with People First - A Thinker's natural approach is to deal with the task first and when that is settled, they can relax and deal with people. Though this approach may seem the most direct way to get the job done, you will waste considerable time trying to get the Feelers back on board after you have alienated them by not dealing with them personally first, THEN focusing on the problem. 

Do Be Personal - How can I be personal? Get to know the person you are dealing with. Ask questions about their family and interests. Try to establish common ground. Comment on events of interest to them such as a sports game, or local art fair. Remember special dates in their life, and express sympathy when appropriate. Since Feelers expend extra effort to please people with whom they have a good relationship, this investment of time and effort will prove its worth in the future.

Do Take the Time to Relate - Resist your natural inclination to deal with people only after you have the task completed. Greet people. Ask how they are doing. Give a compliment on their work. Ask if they have concerns. Make sure they understand your point or instructions before you walk away. Wish them a good day. You don't have to chat endlessly, but a couple of minutes invested in building relationships pays huge dividends.

Do Look at Feelers when You Talk with them - A Feeler often will not talk to you until you show them respect by looking at them when you talk to them and by giving them your full attention.  Non-verbal indications of respect such as looking at a person, turning toward them, and stopping what you are doing when they talk, are important to Feelers. These behaviors indicate that you value them as a person and are willing to listen to them. 

Do Express Appreciation - Expand beyond your normal critical analysis, and also notice what isn't flawed.  Feelers can become very discouraged when only imperfections are mentioned and all their good efforts ignored.  A few appreciative words, email, or note can highly motivate Feelers to improve their performance. With a person you want to deepen a relationship, give a general compliment (I really enjoyed your article), then give a couple of specific compliments (I especially like when you---). If you have a close relationship, end with a hug (not to be used in a work situation). Feelers need to have words reinforced with non-verbal action.

Do Give Recognition - Formalized appreciation can be a very effective motivator not only for the person receiving it, but for all those involved.  Taking the time to present awards, and posting the names of those who have made significant contributions on a bulletin board, in a newsletter, or in a group email are well worth the time. Giving appropriate gifts to an individual or team after they have expended extra effort, such as after a big sale, are huge motivators.

Do Invite - Ask Feelers how they "feel" about the situation, and LISTEN. Don't make up your mind until you have the Feelers' input. With a desire to have the Feelers' perspective and ideas, ask them questions to help them verbalize their concerns, reasoning, and observations. Remember this is not an inquisition. Proceed gently. Offer to put them on the agenda.

Do Accept and Validate Feelings - Talk softly and calmly. Accept the feeling (You seem upset). Validate or support the value of that feeling (Say it is ok. Share if you have felt that way, or say that it is reasonable to feel as they do.)  Reassure the Feeler that things will be better. If you are causing the distress, offer to make specific changes in your behavior (I will ---- or I will not ---). Feelers need first to be understood. After they feel secure, Feelers are then able to focus on tasks and fix the problem. This approach will take effort from a Thinker since their preferred approach to to finish the task, then give understanding.

Don't declare that they Shouldn't Feel that way - We all know that we can't command others to feel a certain way. Such statements simply indicate that you are having trouble dealing with the Feeler's emotions. Apologize, take a deep breath, and determine not to just react to the emotions.  Instead, use your logical, impersonal perspective to calmly help the Feeler identify their feelings, the causes, and possible solutions. Be prepared to make whatever changes are necessary.

Do Compliment a Feeler on what They Value - Express appreciation for their compassion, caring, sensitivity, empathy, and ability to predict how people will react and know how they feel, awareness of what people need, ability to mediate, counsel, handle emotional situations, teach, sell, and advertise.

Do Accept Feeling Input - Consider Feelers' observations, "gut feelings", and information which are not organized in a logical manner. Though they may have difficulty verbalizing what they "just know",  respect that it is the result of a different, value based, but equally valid type of reasoning.

Do Ask Questions - To bring out and clarify Feelers' information, use your strong analytical abilities. Thinkers can ask questions to help the Feeler express their underlying concerns, gather information from them, and help them identify their goals. Ask what they foresee as the personal impact of the proposal and how do they feel it will affect people. Be careful to use a supportive non-threatening Feeler style of communication.

Do Make Notes - When you ask a Feeler questions and make notes (whiteboards are ideal for this) you will indicate that  you not only understand the Feelers perspective, but have captured it in a usable logical format. This will enable everyone to utilize the Feeler's data. It will also show you not only want to understand the Feeler's ideas, but respect them. Don't forget to look at the Feeler frequently. 

Do Organize Data - Provide outlines before meetings and an organized outline of meeting conclusions. Send the outline to each member for their input, then finalize and distribute.

Do Allow Feelers Time to Organize their thoughts - Ahead of meetings, let people know what topics are to be discussed. Encourage everyone to logically organize their data and concerns. This will be a great help to the Feelers who have difficultly expressing their thoughts verbally and in a logical sequence.


Do Be Supportive - Curb your natural inclination to argue or debate issues. Frequently, repeat back your understanding of what the Feeler has just said. Validate their feelings by saying such things as, "I understand" and "that makes sense".

Do Seek Common Ground - Make an effort to mention what you agree on before stating where you disagree. This shows empathy and will help to establish some unity with the Feelers. If the Thinker respects and considers the input, needs, and goals of the Feeler, the Feeler will try to remain in harmony with the Thinker.

Do Provide a Safe, Accepting Environment - Insist on respect being given to each idea and perspective. Do not allow anyone to demean another. If Feelers are getting more emotional, this indicates that they do not feel that their ideas are being heard or respected. Criticism may be being expressed in someone's tone of voice or word choice.  Watch carefully, and ask Feelers if there are any problems. If they feel safe, they will be able to share their invaluable behavioral observations.

Do Seek Unity on Goals - Both the focus on the project and its effect on people must be considered to make a wise decision. Expand your project focus until it includes people's needs, then write down your united goal. Mission Statements are a good example of this goal unity.

Do First Agree on Goals in Meetings- After general unity on basic goals is established, make sure that everyone is agreed on the goals for that meeting. The will greatly expedite meetings your meeting. When this is accomplished you can proceed to discuss the implementing details.

Do Show How Plans will Benefit People - Since Feelers are concerned about people, explain how your plan will benefit the people involved. Welcome and respond calmly to questions about your plan until you have the support of the Feelers.

Do Explain all action in terms of how it Benefits People - If you take the time to explain how each action will affect the people involved, you will usually gain the Feelers' support. Help them see the larger logic of what is best not only for one person, but for the whole company or family. This includes daily responsibilities, special assignments, and disciplinary actions which must be taken.

Do NOT Move Ahead Until You Consult your Feelers - Thinkers often feel justified in taking action without consulting with the Feelers. Considering their course of action completely logical, Thinkers do not want to waste time meeting with Feelers only to explain what "obviously" needs to be done. If you do this, not only will you antagonize the Feelers who may then work against you, but you will be proceeding with only part of the picture. Thinkers do not have all the information they need to make a competent decision without the input from those who are masters at assessing the human component, Feelers.

Do Stay Calm - Don't react to all the emotional laden statements Feelers can throw out. Though you will feel overwhelmed and unjustly accused, stay where you function best - be calm and analytical. Consider the feelings you are being bombarded with as data you didn't have before. Don't try to order them to stop. Strive, instead, to understand this new data. Calmly ask questions until you understand the Feeler's concerns.


Do Report Fairly - Extroverted Thinkers tend to exaggerate for effect. Don't! This will hurt Feelers and cause a negative social atmosphere. Do give all the extenuating circumstances when reporting a situation. These are important to the Feeler and explain why they did what they did. Invite the Feeler to give further information.

Do Consider Human Needs - Are the Feelers comfortable and safe? Do they have adequate seating, lighting, temperature, social atmosphere, decoration, working arrangement, ventilation, equipment, parking, and breaks? Ask their input on anything they need. A little consideration will reap greater production.

Don't expect Feelers to "Speak Up!" - Since Feelers value harmony, any sort of confrontation can be quite stressful. They do not enjoy debating issues and would rather be cooperative. Being competitive and assertive are the natural way for a Thinker to approach life, but it isn't for a Feeler. Feelers are far less assertive, preferring instead to be invited to share their perspective. This assures them that their ideas will be treated with respect.

Do Express Appreciation First If Correction is needed, - Say at least two positive things before explaining what needs to be changed. Afterward, give more positive feedback and encouragement. Though standards should be consistent for everyone, Feelers are motivated to improve when they are mentored instead of just corrected.

Do Recognize that any Trauma or Discord will Disturb a Feeler - Contention within the organization or family, death, illness, changes, and world events can make it difficult for the Feeler to function. They need time to grieve, work out problems, get over shock, and adjust. Though it will take some effort on your part, Feelers need Thinkers to accept and validate their feelings before they can move on. Telling a Feeler that they need to get over it, or that there is nothing they can do, so why worry about it, will indicate a lack of understanding and your desire not to deal with something that is difficult for you. More importantly, this attitude will alienate the Feeler at a time when they need support the most.

Do Check for Indications of Serious Communication Problems - such as when the Feeler:
  • Suddenly leaves the room
  • Will not contribute
  • Refuses to talk to you
  • Sullenly declares, "Everything is fine!"
  • Bursts into tears
  • Starts yelling
  • Complains to others about you
  • Avoids being where you are
  • Threatens to quit their job, move, or wants a divorce
Do Accept Responsibility When Communication is Failing - Thinkers may feel that all is going well and be surprised when Feelers are upset. Since they haven't heard any complaints, Thinkers frequently mistake the Feeler's desire for harmony and their grudging compliance as agreement with their course of action. Generally, Thinkers are unaware that being united and gaining true support for their plan requires considerable effort and communication. Thinkers often do not consciously realize that they are undermining the efficiency and morale of the team (or their spouse) by their impatient or insulting tone of voice and by their impersonal approach.

Do Take Action to Improve Communication -
  • Truly apologize (remember, Feelers can read your emotions) for your inappropriate action toward a Feeling type of person. 
  • Be patient, supportive, and calm. Remember that you are dealing with a person who is hurt and upset. It will take time to undo the damage. 
  • Do not react defensively to the Feeler's emotions. Keep in control of yourself. 
  • Use your logic and cause and effect strengths. 
  • Show respect. Do not judge feelings or throw out a quick solution. 
  • Remember that without knowing the human side of the situation, you really don't understand what needs to be done. 
  • Guide the Feeler to find a logical solution to the problem.
  • Start with the feelings. Recognize the person. Ask the Feeler how they are feeling and really LISTEN. Offer suggestions if they won't answer. (You must be pretty upset after what I said -or did. I'm sorry. I was too on task and wasn't thinking. If this is your spouse, a hug will reinforce the validation.)
  • Validate the feeling. ("That is very reasonable that you would feel that way.") Feelers cannot move on to problem resolution until their feelings have been validated. If the Feeler continues to repeat feelings or problems, more validation is needed. 
  • Assure her that things will be better and mean it! This will allow the Feeler to feel safe enough to deal with problem solving. 
  • Use questions to guide the Feeler to identify his/her feelings, what the problem is, and how they want to solve the problem. 
  • Make sure you understand each point before moving on. Clarify by restating and correcting, if necessary, what you think the Feeler has said. Correct and restate again, if necessary. (I want to make sure I understand. You are feeling ----.  You feel ------- is a problem. You would like ----------. )
  • If the Feeler doesn't have, or won't give, suggestions for changes, then present possible options for the Feelers consideration. (I could do ---- instead. How would that be? Do not issue orders such as, "You SHOULD ----)
  • You may need to offer the Feeler time to think of solutions. Set a time in the near future to discuss the problem again.
  • Be patient. Remember that you demonstrated poor communication skills and injured a person. Now you are going to have to earn the Feeler's trust and cooperation.  
  • Give more reassurance - Demonstrate your understanding. Restate her feelings, and what you have agreed you will do. Assure her of your concern for her well being and your commitment to change.
  • Follow-though and make the necessary changes. - Apologize when you have set back and recommit to change. 
Do Use a Mediator - Mediators can expedite meetings and help Thinkers and Feelers communicate.  A conflict resolution specialist, impartial company or family member, a marriage counselor, or religious leader can often be of great assistance especially when there are serious communication problems.





No comments:

Post a Comment