How Can Thinkers and Feelers Communicate?

We've all experienced it with a spouse, acquaintance, or co-worker. There you are intelligent, responsible people meeting to try to provide information, give support, make a plan, or resolve a problem, when everything falls apart. The Feelers are hurt and angry, and may even walk away, leaving the confused Thinkers alone, wondering "What happened?".

What did happen? Is it that the Feelers were "too emotional", or were the Thinkers "too cold and unfeeling"? Actually, neither are wrong in how they approach life. A Feeler focuses on what is most important to people. A Thinker focuses more on logically completing tasks. Both perspectives are complementary and essential in making good decisions. 

We run into trouble when Thinkers and Feelers don't understand each other.  Interpreting the world from their own point of view, they often make incorrect assumptions. Because of this, they misinterpret the others' words and actions,  assuming the worst.  So what are some of the false assumptions that Feelers and Thinkers make when they try to communicate and work together?


Just like a woman! or Just like a man!  Actually, all women are not Feelers and all men are not Thinkers. Only around 3/4 of Feelers are women and 3/4 of Thinkers are men. So what about those 25% of women who prefer logical Thinking, or the 25% of men who prefer value based Feeling? They often experience considerable pressure from their society to conform. Consequently,  because their abilities are not considered "proper" for their gender, they may have difficulty having their talents recognized and may feel that they are not respected. [note- For ease of communication, I am using "He" for Thinkers and "She" for Feelers though it is only true three fourths of the time.]

Her behavior is irrational!  She needs to be logical for once!  Feelers' emotional reactions may seem completely unreasonable, illogical, and "muddleheaded" to a Thinker. This is because he is only seeing the logical part of the picture that he can understand. Since his Feeling abilities are weak, Thinkers prefer to ignore feelings and remain safe in their comfort zone. If the Thinker could perceive and understand all that a Feeler does, then he would understand that the Feeler's behavior really is logically predictable. (note- When stressed and frustrated, Feelers can just vent emotion and may be unable to solve problems.)

He is so mean!  From a Feeling point of view, you only deal impersonally with another person if you have no consideration or respect for them as a person and are consciously relegating them to the position of a mere thing to be used. From a Feeler's perspective, treating a person impersonally is offensive and "mean". From a Thinker's viewpoint, he is just being impartial.

She blows up every time I try to help her!  Yes, she often does, but it is not without reason. Consider that to a Feeler all your "impersonal criticism" is viewed from their preferred viewpoint-- personally. Feelers do not recognize that you are trying to be helpful. There may be other problems. Did you show respect for her by asking if she wanted your help? Also Thinkers, with their weak Feeling ability, are often unaware of all the negative messages they are sending to the Feeling person non-verbally and through their tone of voice.

All he does is constantly criticize me!  Well, it is true that he does point out the inconsistencies in all you do, but this is his strength, what he does best. With that you will surely agree! As a Feeler, though it may be hard to imagine, the Thinker probably is trying to be helpful. He really does not intend his criticism to be taken personally. Pointing out what is imperfect is how he hopes to improve things. He expects you to impartially consider the data he has supplied and make the necessary changes as a Thinker would do. (note- When frustrated, Thinkers can become illogical, emotional, and quite aggressive.)

I should lead since I am the man! The assumption is that capable leadership can only be provided by the logical Thinking approach to reasoning. Such statements are also based on cultural stereotypes. Women are expected to be patient, supportive, nurturing, sympathetic, and an "ever-loving" Feeler.  While men are expected to provide, protect, and always be the the detached "cool-headed" Thinker. Undoubtably, these qualities helped to maintain stable societies, but stereotypes can also prevent society from benefiting from diverse abilities.

Only Thinkers think!  It would be more accurate to say that only Thinkers use logically reasoning to orderly move from one idea to the next.  Feelers are concerned with human needs and use reasoning to determine how to meet those needs. Both Thinkers and Feelers use equally competent reasoning processes, though logic is more highly valued by society. This concept is reinforced since Thinkers' preference, logic, is taught as "real thinking" in our schools where the Scientific Method is enthroned and Social Skills are neglected. Feelers' preference, morals, ethics, and values, are now viewed as "inappropriate" and have been eliminated from the curriculum.

Only Feelers feel! Everyone has deep feelings. Thinkers simply prefer to make decisions based on impersonal analysis. Feeling is their weak side. Thinkers are uncomfortable showing intense emotions and prefer, instead, to suppress their feelings so they can approach life cooly and calmly. Feelers instead believe that emotions should be expressed.  They enjoy showing them physically which makes them feel more alive. Often a Feeler's emotions will affect the mood of those around them.

Verbal Expression is a sign of intelligence!  Thinkers' logical thought process is a left brain process and thereby gives Thinkers a strong verbal ability to express their ideas. They will have difficulty visualizing ideas since it is a right brain process. Feelers' valuing thought process is a right brain process which gives them a strong visual ability to express their ideas. They often have difficulty verbalizing their reasons and thinking process since it is a left brain ability, but the reasoning is there.

She is too emotional!  She wears her heart on her sleeve! Since Thinkers have a weak Feeling ability, they can easily become overwhelmed by Feelers' expression of emotion. It makes them feel uncomfortable, and they want it to stop. Thinkers prefer to make decisions calmly without the distraction of emotions.

My decision is right! It is logical!  It is true that Thinkers have an amazing ability to reason from one thought to another, connecting the ideas in an orderly way that leads them to a conclusion which makes sense and will accomplish their task related goal. We call this logical thinking. It's weakness is if the original assumptions are untrue or incomplete, then the logical thinking process will lead  to conclusions that are wrong.

You should be more direct! By this, Thinkers mean that everyone should focus on getting the job done. Consequently, they view Feelers' form of communication as "indirect" because they "waste time" talking about feelings before they "get down to business". Actually, both styles of communication are direct. The Thinker is directly focusing on the task and performance, while the Feeler is directly focusing on the people and relationships. 

You can't feel that way!  To Thinkers, only what they can logically understand is real. Since their Feeling ability is weak, they have difficulty noticing and understanding feelings. Feelings make them feel uncomfortable. Thinkers pride themselves on "keeping a cool head" in every situation. Thinkers desire a logical world that they can understand. In their attempt to cope, they may react to emotions they don't understand and don't know how to handle by simply denying that the emotions exist.   

You shouldn't feel that way!  This dismissive declaration is the Thinker's desperate attempt to regain control over his life. When a Thinking person is confronted by emotions which he can't understand, which don't seem logical to him, or strong emotional responses, he can feel completely overwhelmed.  Since he feels inadequate to cope, he just wants the emotions to go away.

I am superior! I am a Thinker!  Since men, predominantly Thinkers, have held the power throughout history, they set the criteria for measuring worth -- themselves! Naturally linear reasoners, Thinkers prefer to have life orderly ranked, and this criteria firmly established their logical reasoning abilities as the standard by which all are to be compared. This means that a Feeler is doomed from the start. Their perspective, contributions, and concerns often being dismissed as "irrational".  Since most women are Feelers, this attitude resulted with women being relegated to positions of merely providing support to the "superior" Thinking males. 

He tries to pressure me into agreeing with him!  Thinkers love the intellectual interaction of a good back and forth argument. It allow them to exercise their logic against an equal opponent. Feelers usually respond to argument by withdrawing.  To Feelers arguing is NOT fun. It is aggressive behavior. They see argument as a personal attack on themselves, and as an attempt to pressure them into compliance. It disturbs the Feelers sense of peace, for they see arguing as destroying the harmony they highly value.

He patronizes me!  Since Thinkers often only value logic, their preferred thinking process, they may conclude that Feelers are inferior. The Thinker is totally unaware that their tone of voice and body language conveys the superior, though benevolent, attitude they have toward Feelers. 

She talks on and on!  Thinkers like to make decisions after analyzing data. They want to get to the point! Feelers' decisions are made through a valuing process. They may want to present the whole picture, so they explain reasons for behavior, provide background, and, in short, give all the information they use in their valuing reasoning. The problem is that logical Thinking is a very linear process. Thinkers don't know what to do with all this "extra" information, and they are only able to process information if it is presented in a logical linear manner. 

He lies about me!  Sometimes Thinkers, especially those who are extroverted, may use exaggeration as a debating method to make a point. They do not intentionally insult the Feeling person.  To a feeling person, giving details impersonally without including the extenuating circumstances, is deceptive since it does not give the whole picture of what really happened. 

She blows things out of proportion!  Feelers believe in sharing how they feel, and they may feel a lot if the Thinker has not considered their goals, needs, and ideas.  Some Feelers may openly confront the Thinker, but since Feelers highly value harmony, they may more likely express their emotions to other Feeling people.

He won't listen to me!  Thinkers are task-oriented. They like to solve problems. Feelers need to talk to sort out and express their emotions. This Feeling "talking it out" is a necessary step in how Feelers solve problems. After their emotions are identified and validated, the Feeler is then able to focus on solving the problem. Being weak in Feeling, the Thinker usually does not recognize what is happening.  He will just notice her talking as "something she does" and consider it as mere background noise.

He won't talk out problems with me!  If they can, Thinkers will avoid emotional problem solving. Thinkers hate to feel incompetent, and dealing with emotional issues is their area of weakness. Also, being weak in Feeling abilities makes it harder for the Thinker to deal with a lot of emotion. Unfortunately, Feelers want harmony so much that often they don't say what is bothering them until their emotions are boiling over, which totally overwhelms the Thinker. 

He doesn't care about me!  Thinkers may deeply care for you, but they don't want to lose their focus on the task at hand. When things are settled and the job done, they are ready to show concern for people. Of course to a Feeler, it is too late. For them people and their feelings come first. This shows the central place of people in life and expresses others' concern and love for them. Since the Feeler deals first with what is most important to them, people, they assume that by doing tasks first, Thinkers care more for accomplishment than they do for people. 

He is unfeeling and doesn't care about people!  Actually, it is about decision making preferences. Thinkers prefer to make decisions after logically analyzing the data. They pride themselves on their ability to remain emotionally detached from the situation and on "keeping a cool head" no matter what comes at them. This gives Thinkers the ability to make the tough decisions, such as having to fire people. This doesn't mean that they don't care about people, or that they are "cold" and "remote". Since Thinkers prefer not to consider emotional attachments, they conclude that their decision is the best, since it is the most logical to get the job done.

She is too soft-hearted! Feelers value what is best for people. They may have difficulty making good decisions when they put one person's needs above the needs of the whole group; when they look just at short term instead of long term human consequences; and when they do not consider what is required to get the job done.

He should be more sensitive! Feelers often make this statement just before they withdraw. They have been hurt and expect the Thinker to treat them in a more Feeling way "if he really loves me". The problem is that the Thinker usually does love her, but simply has no idea how to "be sensitive". His impersonal approach is valued by the world, taught in school, and culturally expected of him. He is at a disadvantage since social graces (the Feeling approach) are rarely taught anymore.  The Thinker is left confused. He thinks he is doing what he should, but it simply isn't working in relationships, so he "logically" concludes that "it is her fault" which further damages the relationship.

She won't take a firm stand! A Feeler needs to consider the effects of decisions on people. They are not ready to make a decision until they are sure the decision will be good for the people involved. When they are sure about their decision, Feelers can be exceptionally firm and will fight to defend the needs of others.  

Why doesn't she just speak up if something is bothering her!  Since Feelers value harmony, the rough and tumble, argumentative world where the Thinker thrives is simply too stressful for them. Feelers do not want to have to confront Thinkers. It can feel like standing in front of a thundering train and hoping the it will notice you before it runs you over. Feelers prefer to be asked how they are feeling. When their opinion is asked, Feelers feel reassured it will be listened to and valued.

She is always working against me! And she feels that you are always working against her. The Feeler is considering what is best for the people involved, and the Thinker is evaluating what is best to get the job done. When Feelers and Thinkers unite, agreeing upon goals which consider what is best for both for people and getting the task done, then they will be the most effective.

Feelers and Thinkers are like two side of a coin; neither is complete without the other.  Though they each prefer to make decisions differently because they have different values, both perspectives are necessary to make wise decisions. Feelers make their decisions based on what is good for people, and Thinkers on what is logical to get the task accomplished. Thinkers and Feelers both use reasoning processes, and even though Thinkers don't like to show theirs, they both have deep emotions.  They each notice, understand, appreciate, and cope better with different parts of life.  In both the home and the business environments, Thinkers and Feelers need each other to supply what they lack. Only when Feelers and Thinkers are willing to let go of their false assumptions and respect the complementary perspective and abilities of the other, will they be able to truly communicate.