First, we need to accept them as they are. They aren't going become Feelers anymore than we are going to become Thinkers. We can each move a little to the center, understand each other's motivation, and learn to speak their language - a little.
I'm not saying what we need to tolerate their rudeness, just that we need to accept that they are clueless. We attribute our rich perception of emotion to them and see all sorts of emotions behind their behavior and it simply isn't there. Thinkers don't even understand what we are talking about.
Thinkers prefer to suppress their emotions. They believe that the best decisions are made when emotions are not considered. They pride themselves on their "cool head". This is a very good approach for some situations, but we know that only when you also consider the effect decisions will have on people can you make a truly wise decision.
Their preference to make logical decisions comes at a price. Thinkers have sacrificed developing their Feeling abilities. They do not want to show their emotions and don't appreciate being pressured to be "more emotional". When a Thinker shows intense emotions he feels embarrassed, that he has "lost control" of himself. Thinkers do have deep feelings just like we do, but their feelings are not as visible. They generally prefer to keep their feelings suppressed, so they don't interfere with their preferred logical approach to decision making. Intense emotions can even overwhelm them. They can easily become overwhelmed by our emotions, so we need to keep things as mellow as possible.
So don't be surprised if a Thinker's communication is brusk and businesslike. This just means that he is happily being himself. You will need to carefully teach your Thinker how to communicate in a more personal way. (see my other articles for ideas) You will need to be very specific since he has little idea of how to relate personally. He will also need to be gently prompted to remember what he needs to do. Be patient. Look for progress, not perfection.
Because their Feeling ability is underdeveloped (like our logical ability), Thinkers have trouble seeing the consequences their purely logical decision will have on people. We need to patiently point out how their actions will affect people. This is easy for us since, we, as Feelers, focus first on the needs of the people.
Feelers naturally first give understanding, then we are ready to deal with the problem. Thinkers instead focus first on the task, then the people. They can become so focused on getting the job done that they may neglect relationships. They often can't relax and deal with emotions until they finish their task. They need us to remind them of what is really important and help keep balance in their lives.
Thinkers have trouble valuing anything besides what they know, logical reasoning. They need us to fill in the rest of the picture. They need us to let them know how people are feeling and how people will be affected by their action.
We also need to keep in mind that they also don't notice all the feedback we are sending them in the tone of our voice or non-verbally. If you don't think they are responding as you feel they should, stop and explain it to them.
You have all experienced the Thinker who, just being himself, proceeds efficiently along leaving a trail of emotional destruction behind him. One day, he is totally surprised when his Feeling staff mutinies, people quit, or his wife leaves him. So how can you communicate with someone who doesn't think he needs our perspective?
One problem we have is that Thinkers are more aggressive, especially when they are frustrated. They may try to tell us that we "shouldn't feel that way", or we can't feel that way" because it is "illogical". They are just saying that they do not have the Feeling ability to deal with our emotions.
This is why it is best to approach Thinkers in a way they can understand and deal with, logically. Carefully presenting your emotions and ideas in a logical manner is the only way a Thinker can comprehend what you are feeling or talking about. It isn't easy or natural for us, but it does work.
It helps if you can present your information in his language. If possible, take the time to write out your ideas logically. Remember that Thinkers are very verbal. Seeing words on a piece of paper gives them credibility. You don't have to write a formal paper, and you can present your ideas verbally, but taking a few moments to organize your thoughts can really help communication with a Thinker. Normally, I just stumble through daily conversation, but when it's really important to me, I'll take the time to write it out.
Make sure you put in the details he needs. It really helps me if I write out my thoughts, then I can organize them the way he needs. I can't do this in my head. It is just too unnatural for me. Even just an outline is a great help to logically put my feelings, information, and goals in a way he can understand.
As Feelers, we are gifted at persuasion. If we take the time to logically write out our goals, arguments, and supportive examples, we will be able to better communicate in the logical way that Thinkers need. We have to remember that, no matter how much we would like them to, a Thinker can not make a decision until they have all the logical, step by step, cause and effect data.
So engage his logical reasoning and ability to see cause and effect. Thinkers may not respond well to "I feel", but if we include, "I feel this BECAUSE and list our reasons" we will probably be able to get our ideas across.
Present what you are feeling as right in a step-by-step logical way that leads him to see the consequences the plan will have on people. Present other ideas and possible solutions.
Better yet, catch him before he is "on track", before he has his plan "carved in stone". He will be more receptive to new ideas before he makes his decision.
Do not confront him in front of others (like we want to!). He will be more open if you express your concerns privately. Don't be surprised later when he presents your idea as "his". Appreciate that you were able to get your idea across and that it is being implemented. That's what you really wanted.
Don't react emotionally to his words, assumptions, tone of voice, and body language. I know this is hard, and I'm still working at it. I'm not submitting or agreeing. I am just waiting for a good communication moment. This usually is when his task is done and he is relaxed. I accept that he has difficulty switching out of "project mode" and into "people mode", so I'm giving our communication efforts the best chance for success.
If I can't wait, I'll try and get him aside and express my concerns. I keep things in my ball court by telling him that I have some concerns (my language). I then try to logically (his language) explain the problems I see.
I do not submit, and withdraw. To a Thinker, if I do not "speak up" and do what he says, then I am indicating support to his decision which may not be true. This is why I will not quit until I have made sure that he has considered my perspective and observations. Notice that I said "considered", not just sat there while I "rambled on".
I don't push or be confrontational, and I don't argue. I am just gently and quietly persistent as I try to present my ideas as logically and concisely as I can. A good way to do this is to schedule a time to discuss the matter. Have yourself added to the agenda of a meeting, even if it is just in your home.
That is another point. We want to give all the extenuating circumstances. We believe that you need the whole picture to make the wisest decisions for all. Thinkers are task oriented. Just give him the information he needs at this moment to make a decision. Don't flood him with a deluge of everything you can think of that relates to the situation. Be as concise as possible and don't repeat information for emphasis. He can't handle it.
You can fill in more details later. For now just spoon feed him a little at a time. The "right time" to present information is when he needs the data to make the next decision. How do you do this? I ask him about the job and write down the important steps (remove gravel, smooth ground, put in frame, schedule cement etc.). Next, I list all the things I consider important, then I can decide what to tell him at what time.
If I have to make a presentation to a group of Thinkers, I have a strong Thinker, my husband, look it over and point out any weaknesses, so I can correct them. While he is doing this, I really try not to get defensive, after all, he is just helping me so I won't be torn to shreds. Thinkers are gifted in seeing flaws. Use this ability to help your proposals be better accepted.
Make a point of explaining how, by meeting the needs of the people involved, it will improve the over all performance of the team, company, or family (Yes, speak their language). Form a united goal that considers not only the task, but the people involved. Try to understand his perspective. Engage his logical ability and teach him our perspective by asking him questions. As him how he thinks his decision will affect the people, and if he can think of a way to both compete the task and meet the people's needs.
Use the Thinker approach to present your Feeling perspective: focus on solving problems not on relationships, speak in terms of consequences not feelings, use logic, ask them questions, be brief and concise, explain your reasoning, consider the good of the whole company or family in the long run, not just what is good for one person at that moment, be fair and honest, tell what needs to be done, how to do it, and specifically what they need to do to complete the task, and above all, be calm.
Remember that both the logical Thinking perspective and the valuing Feeling perspective are needed. We are complementary. No one can logically see the situation like a Thinker, and no one can see the human consequences like a Feeler. We both need and deserve each other's understanding, appreciation and respect. This is what good relationships and lifelong marriages are built upon.
As masters of communication, we Feelers need to bravely take the lead in conversations by trying to speak the Thinker's language of logic. This isn't easy, but because we value people and harmony, we must persist. As we teach the Thinker how to communicate with us and attempt to explain our perspective and the needs of people, we will all grow in understanding and unity.
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