Thursday, October 26, 2017

How Does Your Personality Type Affect Your Children?

After writing about my dad, an ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceptive), and my mom, an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging), I can understand why 40% of my type, INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging), felt that they had an abusive childhood. Since my personality type is the most rare of all types, it would be rarer still to have a parent of the same type as I am. My dad wanted me to to be outgoing like he was. He viewed my quietness and immersion in the world of the mind as unhealthy and kept trying to help me "get out there". He wanted me to be spontaneous and "bubbly" -- like he was.

On the other hand, my mother wanted me to be quiet -- like she was, which was ok because I really am quiet. Like my dad, she also didn't understand my need to spend time in the intuitive world of thought. I loved to observe, think, read, and write. She kept trying to have me "do something" and kept trying to engage me in crafts and activities. She also worried about my "spending so much time alone". I couldn't explain to her that I needed time away from things and people to process all that was happening to me and to recharge after having to deal with all the details of school and being surrounded by people all day.


My parents meant well, but they were both sensing people and my intuitive approach to life was incomprehensible to them. I imagine that all intuitive children would probably feel rejected like I did. From their point of view, I needed help. Since intuitives are only about a third of the population of the United States, I think they often feel like "ugly Ducklings". I know I did. I spent many years feeling that I should be the "perfect homemaker" that my mom idealized. I tried diligently all day to keep my home tidy, keep all in order, do the laundry, and prepare good meals, and shop. At the same time I pushed myself to be "more friendly" initiating more social interaction than I felt comfortable with. Of course, this ended rather quickly when I collapsed in a frustrated, exhausted heap.  I repeated this pattern over and over again, trying to be the images I received from my parents, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't keep going out of my own element. There stress made me ill. I must be who I am to be well and happy.

I don't think I am that unusual to have felt stressed by parents who were so different from me. Extroverts have a hard time accepting the intoverts quiet ways. Sensors have difficulty comprehending the world of the mind that Intuitives live in. Intuitives  have difficulty valuing Sensors gifts in relating with the world. Introverts may not understand that Extroverts need to talk out ideas out loud and be engaged with the world and with people. Thinkers may see Feeling people as weak. Feelers may see thinkers as cold and unemotional. Judgers see perceptives as lazy, and perceptives see judgers as "up tight."  The fact is that we all have different gifts. We are all different-- all unique. As parents, we need to be aware of and nurture the person our child is instead of trying to cram them into our mold.  If we do not accept them, then we risk crushing their spirit. It would be wonderful if babies came stamped with the instructions for parents to "nurture them with love".

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