Sunday, October 22, 2017

Are ESFP's Irresponsible?

Well, if you ask their wives, they think so. I've known several ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceptive) men who married SJ (sensing judging) women (my dad was one).  I've heard these men being called "lazy", "irresponsible", and "childish". They are admonished to "get going". One wife explained that ,"I made him a list. All he has to do is get it done, then cross it off.  It's that simple. Why doesn't he do it?"  The answer -- he doesn't want to.

ESFP's live to experience and enjoy life. To a J person who believes that work comes first (and sometimes last too),  this attitude is unfathomable.  SJ's (Sensing Judging) know what needs to be done and how to do it. These wives are sure who should get going -- their husband!

Once, a woman who has an SP husband was complaining to me that her husband didn't get things done. She sighed and wished she had a husband like mine who is a professional handyman (SJ). We talked about their life; about their long talks in the evenings, his joking and spontaneity, his playing with their children, his good cooking, his party giving, and his enthusiasm for life. I then looked her in the eye and slowly stated, "If you had my husband, he would be right on the job getting things done -- ALWAYS!  She listened, then her eyes got big, and she said, "OH!"


Women are attracted to the charming ESFPs, but often after marrying their fun loving ESFP , they want them to become the diligent SJ husband. Of course they still want him to be fun --"after all the work is done."  My mother confessed that she married my dad with the intention of changing him into "stalwart member of the community". She quickly found out that you can not browbeat, shame, or nag a happy-go-lucky ESFP into becoming a serious SJ achiever.

People simply are who they are. Rejoice in it! Bask in the glow of the ESFP.  An ESFP can be everything from the sportsman, fireman, or doctor, to the entertainer. Go kayaking with him, or dancing, or sky driving, or enjoy the fun party he gives, just don't try and make you red race car into a practical tractor. It won't work. Many woman have learned that if you want your "to do" list done, do them yourself, or hire someone else to do it, but don't expect your ESFP husband to do it. You'll never reform him into an SJ.  It's futile to try!

Aren't there any female ESFP's?  Of course there are! Since more woman prefer a feeling approach over a thinking approach, there are more female ESFP's (10%), than men ESFPs (7%). They are all around us. She might be your paramedic, chef, Real Estate agent, or child's teacher. You will find them on ski slopes, schools, hospitals, stores, farms, or the stage. They are often artistic and can sometimes be found with a guitar, or with a paint brush in hand. But some places you will not find them is behind desks in strongly bureaucratic organizations, or sitting for hours working quietly alone doing accounting, or teaching a class in philosophy. They do all share the same drive to experience life through their senses, deal actively with the real world, where they can solve real problems, and help real people. Whatever is their passion, they will be there and doing it well.

In marriage, this social, spontaneous, fun loving, woman of action, usually marries the stalwart SJ.  He is often attracted to her exciting personality, and she by his groundedness. Sometimes the husband may berate the SP wife about not getting the list of things he left for her to accomplish, and often he will not slack in his attempts to remake her in his image, into what he thinks she should be -- a dutiful SJ homemaker; like his mother.  Most of the time his efforts are charmingly ignored, and he resigns himself to accepting her as she is and enjoying her vivacious personality.   The SJ often views his wife as a child, while he assumes the role that he was made for-- "the parent".  Feeling needed he patiently "takes care of her." Many SP wives are happy to have her husband handle the dull details of life, as long as that frees her to do as she pleases.

So are ESFP's responsible?  Of course! Will they diligently preform all the details that give a sense of accomplishment to SJ's?  No.  Their goals are different. While the SJ strives to control life, the SP wants to experience it. Each type is diligent in doing what they value.


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