In General:
"ESFPs are essentially easygoing, adaptive, playful, and freedom-loving people who like to live fully in the present moment. In contrast, INTJs are quiet, ambitious, and intellectual people who strive to find, meet, and exceed ever-increasing challenges." 1
With his love of life and his living in the present, the ESFP husband has the ability to balance his intellectual, future living INTJ spouse. By being himself, he can help her enjoy living and help her get in touch with her feelings. He can also provide her with the quiet, orderly environment she needs and handle many of the routine details of life. This will help her be more relaxed since she has little Sensing ability.
Basically INTJs will become stressed, like everyone else, when they are having to use their weakest abilities too much (for them their Feeling and Sensing abilities). Too much time spent in their strongest abilities (for them Intuition and Thinking) can also fatigue the INTJ. Balance is essential for the INTJs well being. Since her weakest areas are an ESFP strengths, her husband can do a lot to help her keep her life in balance. (refer to BASICS at the bottom of the page)
INTJ STRESSES
Coping with Socializing
A major problem in too much socializing for an INTJ is that her Introverted Intuition, her major source of energy, is being suppressed. When this happens she will quickly become drained, over-stressed, and irritable.
This may cause misunderstandings and make work relationships increasingly stressful. It will help to take the time to do activities (see Suggestions) which can help her become aware of her own feelings and be more open to others' feelings. Having more access to her Feeling abilities will help her obtain the whole picture and have the balance that she needs to deal with others in a more understanding and productive manner.
If her ESFP husband makes sure that she has time alone to allow her Introverted Intuition to assimilate all the sensory input she has received, analyze it, foresee consequences, and make a plan on how to handle the situation, she will do better. If she has house guests for several days, she will need frequent time alone to think and recharge. At least a couple of two or three hours breaks from socializing could help keep her from becoming grouchy.
With a strong desire to take care of those he loves, her ESFP husband can give her quiet alone time when she has had to do a lot of socializing. He can also minimize social situations when she is stressed. Taking charge of most of the social arrangements for guests, or for a dinner, will also relieve his INTJ wife of having to function in her weakest ability, Sensing, for long periods which will enable her to enjoy socializing without becoming as stressed.
Coping with too much Sensory Input
Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, very spicy foods, or any other distractions which make it difficult for an INTJ to access their Intuitive and Thinking abilities are stressful and tiring. Prevented from using and recharging by assessing their Intuitive (1st) and Thinking (2nd) abilities is like trying to run without fuel and will soon result in fatigue and nervousness.
Having to multitask instead of dealing with one task (and one set of data) at time will be stressful. (plan to avoid if possible or delegate to someone else some of the work)
Also an INTJ will become stressed when they have to deal with all the input of a new environment without adequate planning to minimize the amount of details she will have to suddenly cope with.
Too much Sensory Input requires the INTJ to try and function in her weakest area - Sensing. She will become tired, can't recharge, and will be frustrated because she must suppress her Intuitive and Thinking abilities to shift to her 4th ability, Sensing. Often retiring to a quiet room or even just stepping outside or closing your eyes for a while and resting helps (lying on a bed in a dark bedroom is ideal).
Her ESFP husband can provide quiet time, space, and relaxing activities, so that his INTJ wife can recover. (see Suggestions)
Coping with Not Being Appreciated
The Introverted Intuitive Thinking mind is capable of creating innovative plans. They can become extremely frustrated when their plans are not accepted or implemented which can easily happen when they have a boss who only wants "the tried and true".
Being very aware of the "real world", her husband, an ESFP, could help his wife, an INTJ, by giving feedback (when and if asked) on the practicality of her plan and on how a sensing person might react to her plan.
Though it is difficult when the INTJ can see clearly how the company's goals can be reached and can feel very thwarted when her plan is rejected, it must be accepted that many people simply do not have the incredible INTJ ability to instantaneously accept new ideas. The INTJ can try and help them understand. She can patiently explain her plan, logically pointing out the reasons for each step and how each step can help the company reach their goals. She can present the plan a little at a time, get leaders feedback, include them in the process, break the plan into smaller easier to understand steps, and she can present other ideas, but the INTJ must be prepared that her ideas may be rejected.
She will need to use her logical abilities to not take the rejection of her plan personally. She needs to accept that her boss does not have the ability, at this time, to accept this change. Perhaps, in time, he might be ready, or may decide to use some part of her plan (often claiming it as "his" plan). Change often comes slowly, one step at a time. The INTJ will need to feel accomplishment and success even in even baby steps of progress.
When ideas are not implemented, applying stress reducing activities (see Suggestions) is all the INTJ can do. The only other thing she can do is to try another company where she will most likely encounter the same resistance to new ideas, since most companies are managed by the stolid SJ types who are wonderful managers, but pride themselves on staying with the "tried and true".
Coping with Working with Incompetent People
When people are not efficiently working to achieve the goals, an INTJ can become very irritated. INTJs focus on implementing plans to achieve organizational goals. They will feel frustrated when others treat their responsibilities lightly and do not share the INTJ dedication to achieving goals.
Getting in touch with her Feeling abilities (see Suggestions) can help her build relationships and achieve her goals. The INTJ can logically accept that though some people do not have their focus on goals, they will still do things with the proper motivation. Many people are not motivated as an INTJ is by a vision of the goal, but they can be motivated to do specific tasks in the present for concrete rewards, or for people's approval, or for recognition, or if they can socialize while doing the work.
An INTJ has the capacity to understand that people have different goals and are thereby motivated by different things. The INTJ can use her Intuition and Logic to be aware of what motivates people that she is working with and use that knowledge to achieve the goals.
Coping with Changes in Plans
Interruptions and changes in schedule make it difficult for an INTJ to use their Intuitive and Thinking abilities. Intuitive thought takes considerable concentration and it can be difficult to return to your work when the line of thought is broken.
As able planners, INTJ's plan their life so that they can function with the greatest efficiency. Planning allows them to use their strong Intuitive and Thinking abilities to manage their lives. Dealing with changes requires great Sensing ability which is their weakest ability. Any time a person is required to function in their third or fourth ability, they will become very stressed.
When allowed time so that they can access their considerable Intuitive and Thinking abilities, the INTJ can easily design a new plan to deal with changes. This enables them to cope with changes without becoming stressed. They also have a great ability to foresee possible changes to their plan and design alternate plans. If caught off guard, they can always state that they need time to think it over and "will get back to you later".
Though her ESFP husband is a master of seizing the moment, he needs to make sure that his INTJ wife has on her schedule daily set time so that she can experience positive Sensing and Feeling activities. It will be difficult to get her to stop working unless the time is set aside on her calendar. It can be called, "Adventure Time", "Family Time", or "Relaxing Time", but she must have it scheduled as a daily part of her life, or she will eventually lose her balance and become over stressed.
Coping with Having to Focus on the Present
On of the quickest ways to cause an INTJ to become stressed is make them handle routine details. With a mind that can devise complicated strategic plans, people are often surprised when an INTJ quickly become unraveled when required to do some "simple" tasks such as running errands, fixing a meal, or folding clothes. What is not realized is "simple" tasks for most people are what is easy for them. Since most people are Sensing, Sensing tasks are "simple". For an INTJ it means that they are being required to function using their weakest ability, Sensing, for extending periods. At the same time they are having to suppress their dominant Intuitive ability and strong Thinking abilities -- a recipe for a stressed, bored, restless, frustrated, and thwarted INTJ.
Focusing on the present is where her husband, an ESFP, lives. He can easily handle much of the routine details for his Intuitive wife, to her great relief. She will happily do all the planning and evaluating the family needs, and probably far more.
Suggestions for an ESFP husband to help his INTJ wife Deal with Stress:
Make sure she has tranquil time alone, so she can relax, recharge, and think using her Intuitive and Thinking abilities. Handle as many of the routine details as possible, so she doesn't have to over use her weak Sensing abilities. Also, provide plenty of time for positive Sensing and Feeling experiences (see Suggestions).
This will help keep her from becoming overstressed and grouchy. If she can maintain balance in her life, using all of her abilities in a positive way, it can keep her from becoming obsessively focused on her work. When she becomes more reclusive and a "workaholic", it is a sign that she is experiencing chronic stress that she hasn't been able to solve with only her Intuitive and Thinking abilities. It also means that she needs to have more positive relaxing Sensing and Feeling experiences daily in her life. In short, she needs to stop working and live a little. With balance restored, your INTJ will then be able to be more effective at work and a much nicer person to live with.
SUGGESTIONS
1. Make sure she gets time alone regularly to recharge and think things out
2. Listen to her afterward if she needs to talk our problems, but limit the time so that you do not become stressed yourself
3. Make a quiet tranquil space, with soft light and no clutter for her to relax. Keep noise, bright light, strong smells, and distractions to a minimum.
4. Help her assume responsibilities that are realistic and within her abilities to do and still maintain relationships, care for herself, and relax.
If she becomes stressed, encourage her to reduce her responsibilities load.
5. Help her get enough Sleep. She will need relaxing activities during the evening so she can begin to wind down and let go of work problems that she is trying to solve. She needs recuperative sleep to keep balanced. Keep a consistent sleep routine (time to bed, same activities right before bed, restful bedroom)
6. Using Sensing in positive ways such as Getting Outdoors, and Exercising Alone (or quietly such as riding bikes together, or a quiet relaxing Yoga class) can help bring balance into her life. Taking breaks during her work day and riding her bike around the block, doing some yoga, or any relaxing Sensing activity, will help her maintain balance during the day.
7. Solving a simple problem such as going through papers, alphabetizing, or doing a puzzle allows her to use her Thinking ability in a low key manner which will be relaxing.
8. Watching a Movie, Reading a Book, and Playing Music (also uses Sensing if you play an instrument yourself) all will help her get in touch with her Feeling function and thereby help to restore her balance and help her relax.
9. Especially when she is stressed, it is important to Reduce Sugar and Caffeine. These will make her stress worse because they are stimulants (sorry, chocolate is a mild stimulant; perhaps avoid in the evening). They will not help to calm her down.
It is important to remember that when she, an INTJ, is stressed, she will focus more and more on her problems at work and not feel that she has time for anything else. The more unbalanced she becomes, the more her problems will increase at work and the less she will be able to use her Intuitive and Thinking abilities. She will make more mistakes at work which embarrasses her, and become more frustrated.
It will be important to make time each day for her to relax, spend time with family, and exercise. She not only needs to give her Intuitive and Thinking abilities a rest, but she also needs to get in touch her Feeling abilities and positively experience life through her Sensing abilities.
She needs to have a set time when to stop working and relax, but it does not have to be spelled out what will be done. You, as an ESFP, have the gift of spontaneity. Use it to help her engage in the world outside of her mind. Remind her to sense and to feel. This is your strength. Bring her into your world and encourage her to enjoy life.
BASICS
These are her INTJ strengths
1st Dominant Introverted Intuition - the ability to analyze, see patterns, predict outcomes, and can plan how to reach organizational goals
2nd Extroverted Thinking - the ability to understand the world logically and use logic to make fair decisions; efficiency
3rd Introverted Feeling - this function gives a strong awareness of her morals, and ethics which she uses to confirm the correctness or her Thinking decisions
4th Extroverted Sensing - as her weakest ability, she has difficulty noticing and responding to experiences and in living in the moment but may develop more ability to do so in time
There are his ESFP strengths
1st Dominant Extroverted Sensing - they are masters at noticing the moment and responding to it with enthusiasm and optimism
2nd Introverted Feeling - he wants to be true to his beliefs and for his actions to match his morals and beliefs
3rd Extroverted Thinking - helps him utilize available resources to make his dreams happen
4th Introverted Intuition - his weakest ability, he has difficulty seeing the consequences of his decisions and in planning for the future; may learn to trust "hunches" of how things are going to happen;
1 Tieger, Paul D.; Barron-Tieger, Barbara (2001-05-15). Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type (Kindle Locations 5040-5041). Little, Brown and Company. Kindle Edition.
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