Think back. Who taught you that life was frightening; something to hide from; something that you had no control over? Who taught you that you were weak and helpless?
Now think about these people in your life. Look at them closely. Can you begin to see them for what they are - weak people who are trying to cope with life the best they know how. Try to feel some sympathy, some empathy for them. This should not be hard since you have been trained to also feel their frightening fear of life.
Forgive them and let it go. Now that you have become aware of what happened to you, you are beginning to gain control of your life. Forgive yourself. You did the best you could considering you only had the victim coping pattern to help you deal with life. Don't let the past sabotage your efforts to move forward into the future; into a fulfilling life.
This does not mean that you continue to allow "victims" to use you. Using you as an enabler allows them to continue to disown responsibility for their own lives. If you allow them to meet their needs though manipulating you into giving them what they want, you will be keeping not only them, but yourself from developing the confidence you need to handle life. Keep this firmly in mind when you are being pressured by guilt to come back, to prove your love, to do what you "should", to do your "duty". Though it is flattering to feel needed, being an enabler cripples both of you.
Now, you need to ditch the lies you have been taught. Are you really totally helpless? Is there really nothing you can do make the life you want? Have "the fates" really doomed you to suffer failure? Is everyone really mean and evil?
These are the things victims must keep telling themselves, so they can avoid the risk and pain of growth. Victims hide behind self pity and play the martyr as they try to make someone else responsible for their lives.
When you start seeing the real situation, you can begin taking responsibility for your own life. You can begin taking positive action. You can set goals, gain training, make contacts, build relationships, develop talents, and serve others.
Fill your life with uplifting thoughts, media, and people, and appreciate all you do have. Have faith in the purpose of life and know that you do have the capacity to change. Remember that none of us are perfect, and you don't have to be perfect to be loved. All you need to do is love others and just keep growing in the right direction.
As you do positive things, you will begin to see who you really are. You will begin to recognize and develop your own strengths and talents. As you do, you will begin to realize that you have much you can give to help others, and you will begin to see yourself as a capable person instead of a mere victim. Slowly your confidence will build until you realize that you are not a victim, but are indeed quite able to face life.
see my companion post Victim Mentality
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, Maxine Schnall compares the two mentalities this way:
A victim asks how long it will take to feel good — a survivor decides to feel good even if things are not so great.A victim grinds to a halt — a survivor keeps putting one foot in front of the other.A victim wallows in self-pity — a survivor comforts others.A victim is jealous of someone else’s success — a survivor is inspired by it.A victim focuses on the pain of loss — a survivor cherishes remembered joy.A victim seeks retribution — a survivor seeks redemption.And most of all, a victim argues with life — a survivor embraces it.
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