People who think of themselves as a victim lack self esteem. They don't have confidence that they are capable to deal with life. They live a fearfully believing that "the world is against them" and that "everyone is out to get them". They see themselves as powerless, and so they passively surrender control over their life to others. They slouch, complain, and blame their way through life completely smothered in self-pity.
Why would anyone do this? Everything we keep doing, we do for the rewards. Though being a victim may not sound very rewarding, it is very effective at protecting weak self esteem. Think about it. You don't have to take responsibility for anything - just blame it on someone else. No one is going to expect you to do something you might not be able to do. You don't need to fear failure, uncertainty, or rejection. You can remain safe and snug in your comfort zone. There is no risk, so you'll avoid a lot of pain. Of course you won't grow or develop the skills and confidence to deal with life or have any joy, but you are secure.
Also, being a pitiful martyr gets you attention. You keep others engaged in caring for helpless little you. This gives you some sense of control over your life even though it is only through the manipulation or others so they will give you what you want or need. Being a martyr also insures that you will not be left alone, which is a terrifying thought for someone who doesn't feel that they can care for themselves.
Another reward of being a victim, is that you don't have to take responsibility for anything, not even your own emotions which you keep repressed. You can remain a "perfect" being who never makes mistakes, or becomes angry. Therefore you can completely avoid any guilt or shame for your actions.
This fake sense of "perfection" enables the victim to feel justified in manipulating other people. They feel they "deserve" to be given what they want even though they have not expended the effort to obtain it.
People do not just suddenly decide one day to become a victim. Usually, they are taught to cope with life in this passive-aggressive manner by fearful parents who have learned this coping approach from their fearful parents.
Through their learned helplessness, each generation tries to survive in what they perceive as a "hostile world". More often victims are fearful women, who afraid of rejection, raise daughters to meet their every unspoken need. Since victims fear that they cannot function without their enabler, they will do all they can to keep this person with them.
In their desperate efforts to shore up their weak self esteem, avoid loneliness, and see that their other needs are met, victims can be very manipulating. Because they lack the confidence to function as an adult, they will resist all efforts and suggestions on how they can take responsibility for their lives and solve their own problems.
They attempt to provide some security to their life by controlling the people they need to meet their needs. They do not want their child (especially their submissively trained daughter), or husband to ever leave them. They do not feel confident that they can handle life without them, so they try to weld chains of shame and guilt. Victims are masters of playing the martyr, making unneeded sacrifices while ignoring their own needs .
Since victims have never developed the skills and confidence to deal with life, most of all they fear that their enabler will leave them. Therefore, they do all they can to undermine that person's self esteem. They keep the enabler believing that only they could want or love them. The victim discourages any efforts of their enabler to grow and develop skills which might make them independent.
Out of fear of losing their enabler, the victim may try to keep that person from forming relationships with other people, or even leaving their side. Another way that victims control their enablers is by managing all possible resources. They bestow rewards for meeting the victim's needs and punish their enablers when they do not.
Above all, victims are people driven by fear. The are afraid of a world they don't feel competent to handle. Inside they remain a child, who craves someone to take care of them.
see my companion article How Do I Stop Being a Victim
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