My perspective at 72 of being an INFJ

 

At nearly 72, I'm realizing that I don't need others to approve of me or understand me. I am an INFJ and finally accept that, except for others like me, most people are not capable of understanding what I say, much less who I am. 

I have changed my expectations and now feel a deep peace. I appreciate others for who they are, share what we can together, learn from them, and enjoy working together with them. 

I now accept my limitations. If I must interact socially, I'll relax for a long time before and after. I also compensate for the stress of having to do routine details or anything which requires me to work in thinking or sensing mode for a long time. Walking in nature, getting lost a good upbeat story, or doing a puzzle really relaxes me. 

Gently leading others by example is so much more peaceful than trying to push others to change. It is fulfilling to develop and share my talents to inspire others (I write on my blogs, paint, and do photography). Now, I just live what I believe to be right, and enjoy life. I am, finally, just being who I am, an INFJ.

Photo- me biking at Zion National Park a month ago. My first outing after recovering from stage 3 ovarian cancer

Expressing Anger as an INFJ

I grew up in a family where expressing anger or even any assertiveness was not acceptable, so I learned to suppress my anger and turn it inward which caused a lot of depression. I also used to let people "guilt" me into doing what they wanted which resulted in more anger and resentment toward them, which I also tried to suppress. One thing I felt guilty about was that I was "too sensitive", so I suppressed most of my feelings, including my anger.

Now that I am in my seventies, I more firmly stand up for my principles and my needs. Because, as an INFJ, I want to have a sense of peace and unity with people, I still tend to suppress anger, but not always. When I feel that someone else is being unjustly treated, especially when it is someone who is unable to defend themselves, such as a child or animal, I immediately speak up or take action. This isn't a burst of emotion, but rather a totally confident stand for what is right.

Generally though, I prefer not to have confrontations with other people. I am so empathic that it is very stressful for me engage in face to face disagreements with others. All that emotion is simply overwhelming to me. If I must say something, then I prefer to do it on my own turf by expressing my arguments logically in writing. I've found that more aggressive outgoing people have sometimes tried to intimidate me into accepting their ideas by speaking loudly, standing close, and/or repeating what they want over and over, but wrong is wrong no matter how loudly it is said. This is not how I communicate. I never debate or argue what I know is right. I just "know" it. It is not something determined by the "winner" who speaks the loudest, stands the closest, or can look down on their opponent. "Rightness" is something I just know. It is a part of me and any emotional, physical, or financial pressure can not change what I know is right, therefore I will not express anger, but will instead withdraw from any situation where others are trying to intimidate me into doing what they want.

INFJ lack of Reflection

No Reflection by Cheryl Merrick

I make a comment

and the room suddenly quiets.

After an awkward moment,
all resumes as before.

I mention I write,

again the embarrassed silence,

followed by a change of subject.

Could I really think so differently

that others have no idea 

how to respond to me?

Sharing my talent,

I watch as others shrink away,

uncomfortable by the unfamiliar,

so that I see no reflection of me

in their eyes.

I wrote this after mentioning what I was writing to a friend who is an ISTJ. We

Things we can do to develop our abilities

Here are some things we can do to develop those abilities which are not as natural for us - our weaker abilities.

Developing Intuition

• Look to the Future
• Try the Arts - study, sample different mediums, design
• Kindle the Spiritual- religion, seek meaning in life
• Study - learn about new things, research new ideas
• Engage in Problem Solving
• Brainstorm
• Try Creative Writing
• Read Fiction
• Travel and learn about other Cultures
• Do some Long Range Planning
• Think about Possibilities

What do you do when your aging parent is narcissistic?

I've spent most of my adult life trying to get away from my abusive parents. Though my father died almost twenty years ago, my mother is still living. Now, the day I have feared for so many years has finally arrived. My step-father has died leaving only me to care for my ninety year old, relatively healthy and definately mentally sharp, mother. 

Though it sounds normal and responsible for the only daughter to care for her aging mother, what responsibility do I have to a person who has been emotionally abusing me my entire life?  Seventy years has seemed like an eternity as I have endured the pain my mother has inflicted. For the last couple of years I have stepped back, and my health has begun to improve as I have been relieved from the stress of having to deal with her. 

I have dreaded this day and hoped that she would die before her husband, or that someone else would step forward to deal with her, but there is no one else. There isn't any other relative to help. The people she knew have died, and she never had any friends. There is no one but me. I've been struggling with the urge to just run as far away and as fast as I can, but being a very loving, responsible INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging) person, I decided instead to do the "right thing".

Poems about my INFJ sense of mission

A Candle
by Cheryl Merrick

Most flames join
the blazing hearth fire 
adding to 
its merry warmth,

But a few choose 
solitary candlesticks
bringing light to even
the darkest night.

A Poet's Longing
by Cheryl Merrick

In a quiet room with a comfy chair
and large windows overlooking the world,
I found my poet's heart.

Within is a craving to experience 
the hours of intense focus,
and the exquisite beauty 
in the flashes of inspiration 
which connect me to the divine.

Recentering as an INFJ

Once again I was burnt out and unhappy. As an INFJ (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging) this happens to me frequently. At these times, I pull back into my mind so I can regain my center; a sense of who I really am. 

As I read and pondered, I was reminded that as an INFJ, I am one of the two personality types (INFP Introverted Intuition Feeling Perceptive is the other) who use intuition and feeling as a way to deal with life.  This really is a different way to live. Like other introverted intuitive types, we spend a lot of time in the world of thought, but combined with Feeling this world becomes extra special. It is the world of imagination, of creativity, and of the spirit. We are roses in the cornfield. We are lights shining in the darkness. 

We are also considered a bit weird, which as an INFJ, I can't deny.