How an ISTJ can Help an INFJ Cope with Stress

As an INFJ, I know about stress. For me, a person with Dominant Introverted Intuition, I can only access my greatest strength, create, and recharge, in my mind, but I also need to deal with the people and things around me. Though my mind flourishes in the world of imagination, my body does not. I live in a physical world. To use my Intuitive abilities, I must suppress my Sensing abilities. I have to shut out the world around me and enter the world of the mind. Conversely, to deal with the "real" world, I have to suppress my creative Intuitive abilities so I can use my Sensing abilities. Balancing between my two worlds, like walking a tightrope, is inherently stressful. 

I can manage this balance for a short time, but when my Dominant Intuitive abilities are suppressed for very long, I become very stressed. I do not feel like myself, and, without my Intuitive ability, I'm not really me. I can no longer see patterns, receive inspiration, create, see possible consequences, meaning in life, or work toward future goals. I don't feel connected with who I am and with my own needs and feelings. I become grouchy, critical, frustrated, emotional, illogical, depressed, and physically ill (headaches, muscle aches, nausea, IBS, fatigued, shaky). I withdraw from people, nibble all day, and constantly clean and organize my home. Finally, and mercifully, I collapse in exhaustion.

Are ESFP's Irresponsible?

Well, if you ask their wives, they think so. I've known several ESFP (Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceptive) men who married SJ (sensing judging) women (my dad was one).  I've heard these men being called "lazy", "irresponsible", and "childish". They are admonished to "get going". One wife explained that ,"I made him a list. All he has to do is get it done, then cross it off.  It's that simple. Why doesn't he do it?"  The answer -- he doesn't want to.

ESFP's live to experience and enjoy life. To a J person who believes that work comes first (and sometimes last too),  this attitude is unfathomable.  SJ's (Sensing Judging) know what needs to be done and how to do it. These wives are sure who should get going -- their husband!

Once, a woman who has an SP husband was complaining to me that her husband didn't get things done. She sighed and wished she had a husband like mine who is a professional handyman (SJ). We talked about their life; about their long talks in the evenings, his joking and spontaneity, his playing with their children, his good cooking, his party giving, and his enthusiasm for life. I then looked her in the eye and slowly stated, "If you had my husband, he would be right on the job getting things done -- ALWAYS!  She listened, then her eyes got big, and she said, "OH!"

Needing Each Other

He needs predictability
I need opportunity

He needs order
I need flexibility

He needs routine
I need variety

He needs time to work
I need time to think

He needs a plan
I need follow through

He needs my enthusiasm
I need his calmness

We both need each other

Marriage between Detailed and Creative people

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-10-1111-equally-yoked-together?lang=eng&_r=1&category=hasten-the-work/members-and-missionaries

I saw this video and it made me think of learning to "pull together" in marriage.

He shops, cleans, does laundry,
and pays bills "for us".
Allowing me the quiet time
I need to study and think,
 so I can write "for us".

Forty-four years ago I never thought I would write something like this, but I just did. In fact, I wondered if our marriage ever work. We were miserable. He was always so critical of everything I did. I wanted him to be more relaxed, and have a little spontaneity. He never wanted anything to change, and that was what my life was about -- change. My credo was, "Why not?" and his was, "Why!". He was a firm believer in, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!", while I longed to help everyone achieve their potential. My husband lived in constant fear of his "irresponsible, immature, incapable" partner who he tried, unsuccessfully, to keep in tight control. I grew increasingly resentful and angry toward this ISTJ (introverted sensing thinking judging) person who kept trying to "correct" me and who treated me like I was a child. I felt like I had red lines marked all over me. I definitely did not want to be made over into some "proper, orderly" person. If that is what he wanted, then why hadn't he married someone who was like that. I had been me. I hadn't pretended (like I could!) to be any one different. I was who I am-- a gifted creative person, an INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging) individual.

Well, how did we get from that dismal point to where we are now? Mainly, with a lot of prayer. I'm not kidding. It took help beyond our own for us both to appreciate the other's strengths.

Happily Married for 43 Years - INFJ and ISTJ

I have been thinking about this talk on the Renaissance of Marriage by President Eyring about how to make a happy marriage. I love this humourous video, Lasting Marriage,  on having a long happy marriage.I means a lot to me because my husband and I are very different.

My husband is a person who is always engaged doing something, such as his handyman business. He deals with the real world and likes to follow patterns that have worked well in the past. He does things with exactness. He is a quiet thoughtful person and so am I. The big difference is that my thoughts are racing at top speed. I leap from thought to thought. I love to study and think about ideas. I like to see patterns in behavior and help people reach their potential (I'm a natural teacher). I live mainly in the world of thought and future possibilities. So how have a hands-on builder and a head-in-the-clouds philosopher been happily married for 43 years?

Our Marriage - an INFJ and an ISTJ

Today I wrote in my http://meditationsofamormonmom.blogspot.com/ blog about marriage. Specifically about being married to a person with a very different personality type than I have and how we have come to appreciate each other's differences.

My husband is an ISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging) while I am an INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging). True we are both introverts. We both can focus on what is of interest to us for long periods of time. That can be a challenge at times.