Introverts at a Holiday Dinner

There we were sitting at the table: five introverts with three extroverts. The two dynamic extroverts each positioned themselves at opposite ends of the table with the introverts and the older, quieter extrovert seated between them. 

What happened?  Everyone ate, enjoyed being together as a family, and the introverts listened as the extroverts carried on their piercingly loud conversation with each other from opposite ends of a long table. Supposedly, they were trying in include all of us in their conversation. 

Were the introverts quiet because they just enjoyed listening and had nothing to say? As one of those quiet introverts, my answer is, "No". I would have liked to ask a few questions and talk with people that I haven't seen in nearly a year. Why didn't I? I tried to slip in a few words. I even tried to interrupt, but my words were drowned out by the extroverts' jubilant chatter. 


Were the extroverts trying to be rude? No. They were merely enjoying being together with another person like themselves. They were happy and quite entertaining. They also assumed that if anyone else had something to say, they would simply "jump in" and say it. Since no one said anything (that they noticed), they concluded that no one else had anything to say, therefore they gladly shouldered all responsibility for the conversation.

What the extroverts (two ESFP's extroverted sensing feeling perceptive) did not realize was that introverts have an entirely different communication style. First of all, it is fairly quiet. We talk one-on-one, quietly with the people who are near us. We do not raise our voices and shout to be heard at the other end of the table. We do not talk over other people's heads. We ask questions, then wait for the other's reply. Yes, we may tell a story, but then we allow others a turn to say something. I know that to extroverts this lacks the emotional energy and excitement of their high pitched bantering, but to introverts it is our natural way to communicate. We like quiet, one-on-one, deep conversations. We are not "repressed", or "unhappy". We have a good time and have plenty of things to say, but in our own way.

So how did the dinner end? The two ISTJ's went off and talked shop for a while, then fell asleep in their chairs.  The two INTJ's napped: one in her bed and on the other on the sofa. The INFJ (introverted intuitive feeling judging -- me) tried to be polite and "hang in there" while her head was spinning and her ears ringing, but left for home at the first opportunity. But, what about the extroverts? I left them reclining before a big screen TV, happily chatting away as they "experienced" a high action movie. 

Were the introverts defective socially? Were they "withdrawn" and "unloving"?  Were the extroverts "more loving" and "outgoing"?  It is true that introverts have a quiet, individual approach to communication, while extroverts like to socially engage with a group of people who are, preferably, other extroverts who relate in the same enthusiastic way that they enjoy. 

Is one style of communication better than the other? I guess it depends on who you are. As an introvert, I prefer to communicate one-on-one which does not fit very well in group holiday social gatherings. Let's face it, holiday dinners and other socials are given by the extroverts. This is their turf. This is where they shine. They are the people you would ask to give an exciting party. They are the hosts who make sure everyone feels comfortable and welcome. They are the entertainers. 

Where do we introverts shine? (We do shine, softly, in our own way.) We are not socially inept extroverts, but people who deal best with situations which require the ability to relate with one person at a time. Think of who you would turn to if you needed help. Wouldn't you choose the quiet introverted counselor to share your emotional problems with, because you know they will listen to you? Wouldn't you turn to the quiet surgeon, tech, or accountant, if you needed other help?  We introverts have the gift to be able to focus on one person, or problem, for a long period of time until we work it out. 

This doesn't mean that introverts can't enjoy being around a group of people they know and love. It also doesn't mean that introverts can't enjoy the charming, though loud, conversations of the extroverts, or that the extroverts can't enjoy having more people around them, even if they don't talk much (we introverts). 

It just means that while extroverts become more and more energized by the social, introverts will become more and more drained and will need time, in solitude, to recharge. That's me today. It is the day after our big holiday dinner, and I'm still tired. Do I wish I hadn't gone? No, but I'm glad I didn't stay any longer.